Almost Trapped
by Scottea
Summary: Kirk is able to relive how he felt when he first became a captain but he did not know the cost. As usual Paramount's property that I play with. Enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

It had been an unusual trip on a different ship and with a slightly different crew but Kirk had felt a way he had not felt since he first became a captain after the Farragut. A feeling of needing not only to prove to others how good he was at his task but also to himself. He had proven to all on this trip why he was a good captain, how he had made it on his own to where he was, and that as the captain of a starship was where he belonged. He had shown that he could command a decent crew without being told of unwise decisions or that his actions were illogical and that he could set new records even with older ships. It was just going to be the thirty-eight standard days trip to take supplies to Dallon-25 but he would enjoy the change.

Oh, there had been that minor engine problem but the officer Mister Scoot had assigned to go with them had that under control as Kirk knew he would. Mister Scott was an exacting task master in his engineering division and officers did not last long there long if they failed to meet his standards and while they may never be the miracle worker he was they were miracle workers in training. It had not taken the rest of the senior crew he had with him long to adjust to the ship they were to use while the Enterprise was in for a slight refit and repairs but there had been an uneasy feeling. He accepted that the feeling of unity they had on the Enterprise would not exist here as while it was his crew this was not their ship. His ship.

Anger flashed through him. How dare the others even silently question, with their looks, why he had left that Vulcan behind. That Vulcan had defied his direct order, had physically assaulted him on the bridge in front of not only the bridge crew but also the Galvainian representatives, taken over the ship, and was back on Star Base Six awaiting a hearing. Kirk looked around at the others and nodded, they had seen it, they knew what had happened, they would testify at the hearing.

He realized how correct the Galvainian chief of security, Marshal Utoga, was. They had spent may hours talking about their careers and he had felt good to have met somebody who had a similar career as him, with Utoga being the youngest man ever in charge of security. Utoga had reminded him of how great it was to be a captain, to know that he could command without the help of anybody as long as his crew obeyed him. They had shared stories about their first voyages as leaders. Utoga had told him of how being men in power they had worked their way there and did not need to be pestered by officers offering their opinions, the opinions of the commanding officer is right. He had also failed to understand why one senior was both First Officer and Science Officer as he believed that two experts were better than one with a good knowledge of both fields. Utoga had also pointed out that he had given that Vulcan some leeway that he did not accept from others but those actions were against so many regulations he could not have kept that Vulcan on the Enterprise had he wanted to and he didn't want to. Too many times he had let that Vulcan get away with things that he should have reported him for. He had, for just a moment, that flicker of doubt about what to do but Utoga reminded him of his role and his position. That Vulcan's actions had endangered the ship and crew. His actions had damaged the ship. Not just the ship, his ship.

Even as he thought back over it he knew he had done the right thing, the only thing he could do. When they got back to Star Base Six he would let them know exactly what that Vulcan had done and he knew it would end the Vulcan's career but he could do nothing about it as there had been witnesses to the assault by a junior officer and his persistent refusal to release the computer had been more than he could take. It was pure insubordination and in front of the Galvainian delegation it reflected on his inability to command and that he would not stand for. That Vulcan had overstepped the line after what he had done and said.

The first few days it had been strange not to see that Vulcan at his station or standing just to his right but he found having an officer at his right side and another at the Science Station the way he had first captained. It felt like it had when he was first made a captain and had both a First Officer and a Chief Science Officer. He had become used to only having to ask that Vulcan for answers instead of having to listen to the debate between the First and the Science Officer but he knew he would get used to it, again. By the time they encountered any real emergency he was sure the crew would be able to work together. There was no doubt there was an element of friction but that was to be expected. He had no doubt that in time the bridge crew would be just as good, if not better, than it was, without that Vulcan being there to correct every error no matter how slight. Yes, they would see how much better it was without that Vulcan around.

In those quiet moments at night the first few nights he tried to think what could possibly have made that Vulcan react as he had. It had been a diplomatic trip with the Galvainian delegation and that Vulcan had been unusually wary of the delegation, especially the security officer and science officer. He would just sit watching them while he, himself, had engaged in interesting conversation with them. He had seen the raised eyebrow from time to time when he had told them something that Vulcan was clearly cautious about. He had even started to protest when he had offered to give them unlimited access to the ship.

Twice before the scene on the bridge that Vulcan had said to him that the ship felt wrong. Felt wrong? A Vulcan feeling things? He clearly was uncomfortable around the Galvainians for some reason, some reason he would not talk about, and was saying that the ship felt wrong. He'd ordered him to see McCoy and McCoy said there was nothing physically wrong with him but that something was bothering that Vulcan and maybe he should listen. He had every intention of doing that once they got the Galvainians to Star Base Six but before that happened that Vulcan had caused that scene.

They had been four days away from Star Base Six at warp five when Utoga asked to see what the ship was like at warp eight for even two minutes. He had seen no problem with that as they had shown other diplomats and delegations the same sort of thing but that Vulcan had protested saying, again, that the ship felt wrong and that it was unwise to travel any faster till a full diagnostics had been done. The Galvainian ships were about a tenth the size of the Enterprise and without all the advanced equipment but were rapidly getting to that state and he saw nothing wrong in showing them what the ship could do. It would have them there much earlier but it would be good public relations.

When he ordered Sulu to go to warp eight that Vulcan had said, "Do not do it, Mister Sulu. The Captain is putting the ship at risk." Sulu had looked between the two of them and had reached to comply when that Vulcan had spun around to his console and flicked a few switches.

Sulu tried to go to warp eight again and again then looked from him to that Vulcan and back to him,"It is not responding, not allowing me to get it above warp five. It has been locked from the Science Station."

He had turned and ordered that Vulcan to release it and that Vulcan had stood straight with his hands behind his back and said, "I will not do that, Sir."

It had stunned him that that Vulcan should be like that, so totally Vulcan so suddenly. He had repeated his order and that Vulcan had again said, "As I said, Captain, **I will not do that**, Sir."

He heard Utoga say, "What are you going to do, Kirk? You are his senior officer, you are the Captain of this ship. You became a Captain without him and his insubordination. Such insubordination cannot be allowed. **Are you the Captain or not**?"

The anger at the total insubordination surged through him and he had gripped that Vulcan's upper arms and shaken him, "Damn you, **I am your Captain and I order you to unlock that system**. There is nothing wrong with the ship otherwise Mister Scott would have told me. If you do not immediately unlock the system I will have you off this ship so fast when we get to Star Base Six it will go down in history."

That Vulcan had gripped his hands, removed them from his arms and pushed him into his chair and looked, really looked at him and into him then said, "Captain, I will not risk this ship, the lives of my fellow officers a**nd most decidedly not your life** just so you can show off, as Humans say, and act, again as Humans say, like a pompous jack ass. There is something wrong with the ship. I cannot understand nor say how I know but I do know there is something wrong, very wrong with the ship." He had been silent for a moment just looking at Kirk and Kirk could not understand the look and was shocked when that Vulcan had all but pushed him into his chair, "If you are to follow regulations, Sir, I will go to the brig and be prepared for whatever is decided to be my fate upon arrival at Star Base Six but I will not release the lock. I will not be the cause of the destruction of the ship, the deaths of my shipmates, and," he had paused and briefly closed his eyes then looked right back at him, "**I will not be responsible for your death**."

He could still feel the fury that filled him. Somehow he had pushed himself upright and blazed at that Vulcan, "You just crossed the line, Mister. I am the Captain of this ship and you are just another subordinate officer under my command. You have three time deliberately disobeyed my order and have man-handled me. I know my ship. There is nothing wrong with it. You can go to hell with all your for the good of the ship and crew! This is my ship and the sooner you are off it for good and out of my life. Go! Go to the brig. I don't want to ever see you or hear from you again. Go! Go on! **Get off my bridge and stay the hell out of my life**!"

That Vulcan had looked at him, there had been a slight change he could not describe as it was fleeting but somehow significant, then he had started to walk away, paused, turned and held up his hand in the Vulcan gesture looked at him and said, "May you live long and prosper, **Captain Kirk.**" and lowered his hand, turned, and walked away. That had been the last time he saw him.

But that was then. They had left the Enterprise at Star Base Six and he had been ordered to take supplies to Dallon-25 while the Enterprise was thoroughly checked as the technical people, and only Mister Scott, seemed to believe the Vulcan. Scotty had stayed to supervise the examination of the ship and said he would send reports of any findings.

The other five senior officers had tried to get him to understand that that Vulcan had, as always, been thinking only of him, of them, and of the ship, but he could not forget that he had called him pompous jack ass and accused him of showing off. He just wanted to show Utoga what the Enterprise could do. He and Utoga had spent a lot of time together talking about their careers and Utoga had been amazed at how quickly he had made captain and then been given the Enterprise. They had discussed the worth of bridge crew and how he had become a captain without Vulcan help, how he had become a captain through his abilities and that of his entire bridge crew with two individuals as Science Officer and First Officer which simplified duties. Having the two had been different yet so like when he was first a captain. Utoga had been correct, he did not need that Vulcan to be a captain.

He was sure it Utoga had been there he would have given him a nod. It had been odd how easily they seemed to get along, how they seemed to understand each other. It was also obvious Utoga had studied his records as he knew so much about him, something he would have done. It had been slightly puzzling that Utoga had just vanished as he had. He had been so sure that they had had a connection, that they shared so much that they would stay in contact but as soon as they arrived at Starbase Six he had left without a farewell.


	2. Chapter 2

They were on the bridge that eighth day out when McCoy had come to the bridge as was his usual inspection of the crew, and said, "I wonder how Spock is doing?"

Almost as a knee-jerk reaction he had flared out him, "**That name is never, ****never**** to be mentione****d on my bridge, my ship, again**. Not here and not on the Enterprise, is that clear? He chose his actions. He knew the consequences. We move on. End of discussion."

There was an instant change in how McCoy looked at him and he was aware of the others looking at him in a stunned way. McCoy had shaken his head and Kirk could not tell what the look was, pity, anger, amazement, or confusion. Then he had taken a deep breath and looked right at him as though he were a stranger, "You can be assured, Captain Kirk, that** I will not mention his name again on the bridge of this or any other ship you are the captain of as I will not be on those ships.** Upon our return I will accept any one of the positions held open for me on any planet or station where you will never turn up. In the future one of my departmental orderlies will check bridge crew, as per regulations, and **you, Sir, may only see me as per regulations and not whenever you want**." McCoy had walked off the bridge and not been back nor had he spoken to him directly, all contact was through a senior medical officer.

Even as they were returning to Star Base Six, after twenty-eight days together on this ship, Kirk realized that they were not the team they were the Enterprise. They were officers on the same ship doing their duties and there was, on the bridge and around him, a distance that had not existed before. There was no relaxed chatter, no talk at all unless it was to do with the ship. He was sure that once they were back on the Enterprise and they thought over what had taken place they would see that his actions were the only ones he could take. There was also the fact they had to adapt to having both a new Science Officer and a new First Officer.

While he was aware of the change in how they worked together he was also aware that he was also feeling has he had when he was first promoted to a captain, he was proving he was worthy of a starship, proving he could do it, proving that he could be the best captain of the best starship without that man. It had been difficult but he had not allowed himself to dwell on who he was missing as he knew his actions had been right. Had McCoy found any indication of some mental factor it could possibly be blamed on that but there was nothing abnormal on the scans so that was all he needed to know he was right. It was best just to not think about him, about what he had meant to him. As the Utoga had pointed out a true leader has no regrets for getting rid of those who work against them.

As he was looking around he noticed how Uhura suddenly sat up and hesitated for a moment before she switched some switched to reroute a transmission. "Anything wrong, Lieutenant?"

She had looked at him, "Nothing, Sir. Just a call to Doctor McCoy from Star Base Six." He nodded. Routine, would be checking as to the status of all those who had been on Dallon-25 and general health status of the crew. He could just imagine McCoy's reaction as he hated having to make so many reports.

He had smiled, in just over eight standard days he would be back on **his ship**. Back on his ship and back out there where it mattered more than some short run that any captain on any small ship could do. Back to having the finest crew on the finest ship. This time when he walked onto the bridge of his ship, of the Enterprise, he was sure he would feel like he did that first time as he had shown that he could still easily captain handle a much smaller ship and did not feel, as had heard some captains of starships felt when asked to captain smaller craft, less of a captain. He had been glad of this time to get used to his two new bridge officers. There was still a delay factor when he asked questions but that would improve. There was also the way he was presented with the full breakdown and not just what was essential.

No, he had shaken his head, what that Vulcan had done was not only totally insubordinate as stated on his report to the Admiral based on Star Base Six but also unforgivable. By the time Starfleet got finished with that Vulcan he would be lucky to find any captain wanting him. He wondered if the Vulcans would even have anything to do with him after his stating that the ship "felt" wrong. Feelings, as he had so often said, were not logical and Vulcans believed in logic alone.

It was odd how for twenty-eight days he had not thought of that Vulcan all that often although only that night had he been sure he heard **that voice** call out his name in, in. Damned Vulcan, it felt like fear yet also farewell. Nothing. Just like that look on the bridge. It meant nothing. That Vulcan no longer meant anything to him after what he had done and said. That part of his life, that relationship, was done. Utoga had been right, it was best to forget those who worked against you. "You will find it easy if you refer to your crew, especially if they are of a different genetic background or are different in any way, by their rank and, if necessary, their surname then they become things and we quickly forget things we no longer have use for or that have been replaced. It is also best to always remind yourself of your status by using their rank and surname only."

When he went to the bridge the next day his new First Officer, Steven Yates, approached him, "Sir, has either the Communications Officer or Doctor McCoy informed you that there was another message to Doctor McCoy from Star Base Six late last night?"

Kirk had shaken his head, the officer was overly exact in his work on reporting things to him. He would have to tell him again that he needed to know only those things that directly impacted on the safety of the ship and the well-being of the crew. He would have to remind him that it was almost routine that upon returning to a star base the medical condition of all personnel be known so that there was no risk of any cross-contamination.

"No, but I am sure that,"

"I only mention it, Sir because it was unusually long and while the conversation was as was expertly scrambled we could tell that it was, as the one before, from **two locations** on Star Base Six."

Two locations. **Damn!** They were talking with **that Vulcan**. "**Doctor McCoy and Lieutenant report to the bridge.**" They had talked to that, that

The officer at Communications said, "Sir, you have a message from Admiral Mallin at Star Base Six."

"Put him on,"

"Admiral Mallin, we will be there in eight days. Ready to go back out on the Enterprise."

"You will have about another week's wait just for that, Captain."

"But," Kirk stopped and really looked at the man. He had said "just for that" meaning there was something else, something worth this call.

"We will need to talk with you and all your crew who came into contact with Marshal Utoga. We need to find out what areas he was allowed to and if he was under constant surveillance."

"Was there some," Uhura and McCoy entered the bridge together and he felt a knot being tied in his stomach as he looked at them and saw their expressions. "Is there some problem, Sir"

"I'd asked your Communications Officer yesterday not mention anything until we had our proof and, with the help of your Chief Engineer, we found it in the wreckage and traced it back to the Galvanian chief of secrity, Marshal Utoga."

"Proof. Wreckage. What?"

"It was Mister Spock locking your system," Kirk suddenly felt more hatred towards that Vulcan than he would have thought possible.

**"What sort of damage did that Vulcan cause my ship?"**


	3. Chapter 3

"**As I was about to say** it was his locking your system so that you could not go to warp seven that saved your ship and as at warp seven point five there was a trigger to set to fire all weapons in the ship,"

"**From** the ship?"

"**No, in the ship**. It was triggered to make the Enterprise a bomb, a bomb that would explode as soon as you docked. To trigger it you had to get up to seven point five and Mister Spock ensured you could not do that and he clearly knew they could not override **his programming**."

"You mentioned damage to the ship."

"Three of our top engineers were helping Mister Spock and Mister Scott remove that last relay trigger when, according to one of our officers, they tripped a device Utonga had put in to prevent the removal of the last and main relay. Mister Spock saved our three officers, Mister Scott, the Enterprise and the whole docking facilities at this base if not the base itself. Had the Enterprise blown up here the way it was rigged to there would be little left here. As it is it will only take about an extra seven days to repair."

Kirk looked from the screen to McCoy and Uhura. **They knew.** They knew something else, something they weren't. That cry. It had been fear and farewell.

"Is he?"

"Before this happened I had read but not processed your report, I will now forward your request for the new permanent bridge staff. I have agreed with and authorized Doctor McCoy's request to assist in the treatment of Mister Spock should he survive until your arrival."

Disregarding the Admiral Kirk looked at McCoy, "You, you didn't tell me?** You knew and didn't tell me?**"

McCoy looked steadily at him then looked around, "Your orders were that that name was not to be said on the bridge again. You made it clear you wanted no more to do with him when he told you what you were acting like and prevented you from taking the action Utoga wanted you to. We had all seen how you were acting like a puppet and a pompous ass but he was the only one willing to tell you. Scotty said he had a moment of coherent awareness and clearly said, "Don't tell Jim." so we didn't."

"My officers heard that as well and he called Kirk something else before passing out. My t something. Not captain or friend."

Under his breath as he closed his eyes Kirk said, "T'hy'la.,"

"That's it. Something Vulcan?"

"And personal." Spock had seen the danger and knew he had to protect the others. Always protecting others. The feeling of the ship being wrong. I will not be the cause of the destruction of the ship, the deaths of my shipmates, and **I will not be responsible for your death**." Fear and farewell. Spock, not that Vulcan. "Did, did he,"

A hand lightly touched his arm and he saw McCoy looking at him, "There was some very bad stuff in the explosion. Compounds that should never come into contact with flesh, thin metal shards that punctured his body, and the impact of the explosion. Confined space. With gasses and pressurized liquids. He saw it and got them out and stopped it from getting into the ventilation system. If it got into the ventilation system it could have killed all who were aboard and Scotty said it was also wired to have triggered catastrophic disruption to the wiring to the weapons array and it had been set to fire all within a two minute period. The explosion exposed the wiring and he, he was able to stop it before he collapsed."

"What? Who?"

"Utoga had delusions about being a master of advancement as he went up through the ranks faster than you became a captain and it is only now that the Galvainian government investigates his background that they find a lot of skeleton both literally as well as physically. He saw proving our finest crew and ship were not invincible would somehow make him even greater. Our top engineers and weaponry experts agree that what Mister Spock did to stop you accessing warp drive over seven and then shutting down the ventilation system to that area saved those aboard the ship, the ship itself, and the area that the explosion of the ship would have destroyed.

"Do not be too hard on yourself, Kirk, many more experienced, more senior, officers were fooled by Utoga. Seems he knew just how to get to them, how to get what information he needed from them without them suspecting anything, and how to make them do things they would not normally do or act as they would not otherwise act toward their crew. Clearly Mister Spock suspected something. He will be missed but I am sure Officers Yates and Lane will serve as well as they have had this opportunity to get used to your style and your crew."

_He will be missed. He will be missed. He will be missed. He will be missed._ **No!** Kirk shook his head to stop the echo and think. He would go to their Sickbay, see Spock, and apologize, Spock would see the logic to his actions as being human, and they would be back together. They had had disagreements before. He nodded to himself. **It was a** **disagreement,** he looked at McCoy ready to tell him of his plan but saw something about the way McCoy was standing, the way both he and Uhura were looking at him that stopped him and chilled him.

"Bones,"


	4. Chapter 4

"Bones,"

"**Don't!** **Don't you dare Bones me!** What was Utoga saying and doing, stroking your ego, saying all the right things to make you feel invincible? You spent more time with him than with Spock. There, I said his name. **Get rid of me too.** ** You did not listen to him. You did not trust him.** After all he had over the years you could not accept his actions when he was right. Was it his actions or the fact he saw you were being used and knew you were blind to the fact? Hell, none of us saw it at the time but we are not Spock. He tried to tell you in so many ways that he did not trust Utoga but I just bet that security officer got you to think Spock was jealous of all the time you were spending with that thing. I just bet that the Galvanian chief of security was having a laugh at his new puppet and how he got you to get Spock out of the way. We both know that Spock would be the last person to be jealous. We have seen how he does not mind you spending more time with others than with him and there has never been any jealousy nor envy. Whatever he was sensing about the man was right and you, you did not trust the man you so often said you trusted more than you trusted yourself."

"But he's,"

"He is in a very, very bad way and getting worse. He is in what they call a serious critical condition. They have him in a full regen tank, got him, according to Scotty, hooked up to everything they can and everywhere they can. They have not had experience with a Human/Vulcan hybrid like I have and I have sent them all the details I can that could help them but. **Dammit!** It was a blend of substances we have not encountered before and he is reacting to it as well as all the physical damage and the mental assault you carried out on him."

For a moment McCoy was quiet and stood with his head bowed but then looked right at him, "Scotty was there with the Base team when they got him out of what was left of the chamber, he tried to hold Scotty's hand when he said not to tell you, when he said T'hy'la and lost consciousness. I have the full team working with the Base's experts. From all test results he will be dead before we get to say goodbye. I will tell you what I told the others, we have to be prepared for a funeral service when we return. Scotty is there with him along with two of the science officers he had said show great promise."

"And Kirk there is no use trying to get them to leave. That Chief Engineer of yours actually pointed a phaser at one of my staff and myself when we tried to get him to leave. He's not in the way or anything it is just he keeps talking and singing to Mister Spock as though he can hear and respond. Our Chief Medical Officer has said there is no more they can do and he is beyond hearing anything which your Mister Scott called, and I quote, a load of what is found towards the anus of in a very constipated male bovine."

Kirk heard how McCoy was trying not to laugh and how Uhura giggled, "With, with all due respect, Sir, has your, your Chief Medical Officer had much experience with Vulcans?"

"No. It is just that Mister Scott is so insistent on not leaving and of keeping up a steady conversation."

Kirk saw McCoy smile at him and then at Uhura, "Mister Scott has experience with helping when Mister Spock has been injured. Just let him stay there. If Spock does hear something it best be a friendly and familiar voice. Am I to believe, knowing Mister Scott the way I do, that the two with him are there only to fill in when he needs a meal, to relieve himself, and for some sleep?"

"He does leave to relieve himself but he sleeps by the tank, has his meals there, as though afraid to leave Mister Spock alone. It is good that there will be someone with Mister Scott when the end comes as it was clear from reports about their work that they have a good relationship, and the way he is do determined to be close to him even now. I shall give you, Captain Kirk, a full report when you arrive. You are what, eight days out at warp two?"

Kirk saw McCoy slowly shake his head and close his eyes before looking at him again, then turning and walking away with Uhura at his side.

"Kirk?"

"Sorry, Sir, yes, eight days out. We could increase,"

"You forget **you are not on the Enterprise**, Captain? That ship will do a maximum of warp six for only a short period of time then drops out and is dead in space, you were informed of that when you were given the delivery mission. Also, regrettably from that I have been told, in a few hours there will be no need for you to arrive any sooner to see Mister Spock. As it is only medical personnel and those three officers from the Enterprise are allowed to see him. You two made a formidable team and the Enterprise the ship it was. If I may ask a more personal question, do you really want one of the last entries on his record to be, as you put it, hostile and deliberate insubordination?"

_Hostile and deliberate insubordination_. All Spock had been doing was trying to make him think about what was really happening, about seeing Utoga as what he really was and not the facade. Even hearing that he had groomed other captains into puppets did not please him. He had been taken in far too easily. The way he had made him feel and think. Damn! The way he had encouraged him to berate Spock. Spock. There, he had said the name. For weeks he had not said it nor allowed himself to think of it only that Vulcan. Just another one of millions. One of millions and the the one out of millions that he had been. No, was. He had to get to him. In a few hours, Kirk, there will be no need for you to arrive any sooner to see Mister Spock

He gripped the arms of his seat, "No, not, not that. That's, that's not Spock. I, I'll, we'll, I, I'll,." All he had said and done that day from when Spock had refused to comply with the first order to when he had filed his report came back to him in a rush.

He saw what he had so clearly missed, the way Utoga had a wide victorious smile on his face when he had said those things to Spock. It was what he had wanted, what he had planned, he had seen that smile vanish when Spock refused and walked off the bridge. That had not been planned. No wonder they had to dash away as soon as they docked they knew what they had done to his ship. They knew what would happen. Spock had been right. **He had not trusted him**.

"Kirk?" The voice was from outside his head but nothing mattered .


	5. Chapter 5

Nothing mattered now. He had destroyed the one thing thing that, the one being who gave his life meaning. Until he had met and got to know Spock he had never known such unconditional friendship and, he nodded to himself, love, apart from his family. _Stay the hell out of my life_ was the last thing he had said to him. _Stay the hell out of my life_ the look Spock had given him, the way he had said _Captain Kirk_ and not Jim.

He heard another, more familiar voice from outside his head, "This is Commander Sulu, Admiral Millan, The Captain is away from the Conn for a moment and will get back to you. He will then finish this conversation. We will update you on our status later. Sulu out. Pavel it's your." The two strong arms helped him out of the chair and slowly walked him to Sickbay.

'What the," he heard concern in that southern accent.

"Admiral Millian just told us that," Kirk heard how Sulu paused for a moment and then said, "we will not make it on time to see Spock. I think it all just hit him."

"Cap, Jim?" The concern and compassion was in the voice and he felt a familiar hand help ease him into a chair and felt then heard a hypo against his arm, "You just sit there a minute."

"Pavel has the Conn. Do not think the two new officers liked it but we did not even discuss it as the Captain just lost touch with what was going on after the Admiral said that we will not get there in time. I knew this was the only place for him."

"You and Pavel knew? Uhura and I knew shortly after it happened and as Spock had said not to tell Jim we also decided not to tell anybody else."

"We first thought her mood was just because of how the Captain had changed. Then after one call from Star Base Six she was different and wouldn't talk about it. She know then?"

"That's why I have her off duty for six standard days. I will have to be with her at the end as she will not deal with his,"

**"Don't,"** Kirk opened his eyes and looked at McCoy, "Bones, don't say it. I, I owe you all such a big apology. I have no excuse."

"We heard that you were not the first to be swayed by that officer. Sees almost impossible to think that he got to you the way he did, that you, of all people, fell into his trap. To get you to treat Spock the way you did just shows how much control he did have on you. Seems he has a long history of grooming others as he did you."

"What I said to him, how I said it," Kirk closed his eyes and started shaking as he remembered the look on his friend's face. That night waking up to hearing his name in that voice. "It, It's like it wasn't me. It's like I was saying things another person wanted me to and yet I said them, I said them to him."

"He would have understood, Jim." The hand on his shoulder lightly squeezed, "You know that he would have understood."

"You, you didn't see the look on his face, Bones. It was like I was a stranger. And like I was looking at a stranger. Then, then how he paused just before he left the bridge, how he, he held up his hand and, and," Kirk looked up into two blue understanding eyes, "gave me the Vulcan farewell, calling me Captain Kirk, **Captain Kirk and not Jim**, and then walked away. He thought I meant it, Bones. I saw that. He thought I meant is as, at the time, I did. At the time,"

"At the time you were not you, not the you he knows, the you we know. You were a cross between what you were before you got the Enterprise and what that security officer was persuading you to be."

"But he believed it, Bones. He believed I thought that. What, what if, what if he,"

"Jim, look at me. Look at me." McCoy's voice took on its authoritarian tone and Kirk looked up and saw the understanding and sympathy in the way McCoy looked at him, "If he dies before we get there you have to know he did call out your name, he did call out your name and t'hy'la so **he understood**. He was letting you know **he understood**.

"

For a moment Kirk nodded, knowing it was true. That voice had not been accusatory nor hate-filled, it had been a friend saying farewell. T'hy'la was a special word they shared, it signified what they shared. Then he remembered what Bones had just said, If he dies before we get there. **If.** Spock would point out that meant possibility.

"Bones, if?"

"Sorry. Guess I just do not want to accept facts, data. If he were here he would tell me it is illogical not to accept what the facts are telling me and yet I cannot believe it, will not believe it. We have almost lost him so many times before. So many times we were right there an almost lost him that I cannot accept it. If he knew we. No. If he knew **you** were coming he would hold on."

Again that look, that change came back to him and he suddenly felt cold. That look of a stranger. He looked at his friend and shook his head, "Not this time, Bones. This time I pushed him too hard, too far. I saw it, I saw him going back to that Vulcan so many see, that I first saw. He would have seen that I did not trust him."

"He would have known it was,"

Kirk shook his head and held up his hand, "No, Bones. No it was in look he gave me, Bones. I understand it now. He saw and he believed me. He actually believed I did not trust him and I did not trust him at that moment. I would not trust him when he had never, never lied to me or given me any reason not to trust him in all the time I have known him. My gods, Bones, I never went to see him and he never contacted me. He, he believed I no longer trusted him."

"You may think that, Jim, but would he, if he no longer trusted you or believed in you, would he really have, in that hell, have said you were not to be told? Would he have cared if you knew or not? I swear you will regret it if you ever tell anybody I said this but right now you have to be logical, Jim. **Think** of why he would not want you told: you had a new mission. And, look at me now," Kirk looked back at his friend and saw almost a certainty there, "if Spock truly no longer cared about you would he have said t'hy'la?"

"I hurt him, Bones. I hurt him so bad," Kirk shut his eyes and shook his head, "At the time I meant it and he knew I meant it. If he, if he, if he,"


	6. Chapter 6

"I'll be on the bridge," Sulu looked at McCoy knowing that Kirk was in a world of pain and possibly not really fit to be on the bridge. He had seen how Kirk had almost lost control when told what had happened and how Spock was. It had been an almost automatic reaction to get him off the bridge and to McCoy. He and Pavel had talked about the possibility that something had happened to Spock from the way Uhura had been after the first message and how she was after the second message all but said it out loud. They had discussed how Kirk would react and while he expected the reaction that occurred Pavel had been stunned by it. As he got to the door he looked back. Kirk still sat with his head bowed, eyes closed, and muttering, "If he, if he." and McCoy nodded to him as he picked up a hypo. He was the senior officer. It was his duty to take over.

As soon as he walked on the bridge he saw the two new officers as well as Pavel look at him, watched as he walked to the Conn and calmly, deliberately, pressed a button, "This is Commander Sulu, temporarily acting as the Captain of this ship. Engineering, give me warp five point two now, heading is still Starbase Six, and until I tell you otherwise keep it at that."

"Yes, Sir."

"Is the Keptin?"

"He will be fine, Doctor McCoy is with him and they are talking about when we arrive at Star Base Six."

The two young officers looked at one another for a moment, each aware of what the other was possibly thinking, of who they were thinking about. When Pavel started to stand Sulu shook his head, "Stay there for a bit longer, I am going to my quarters for a few minutes."

In his quarters Sulu thought of his friend and practiced some of the exercises he had instructed him in to help him relax while also improving his coordination and balance. He could hear that friend voice saying, "_You are progressing very well. You will soon realize and accept that your body and mind are one when they are balanced and relaxed, when you have control over both. Let them both do what they were meant to do but at all times under your control."_ Once he had stilled his mind more he thought of Uhura and knew he had to check on her not only for himself but the man on Star Base Six and the one in Sickbay. He looked at the antique Japanese sword the Vulcan had pointed out to him on one of the many outposts they visited. They both had admired it, could tell it was authentic and when the shop owner had said how much it was worth he knew it was well beyond his means. They were three days out from the outpost when Spock had asked him to accompany him to his quarters, which seemed unusual as Spock invited only a few to his quarters and it was accepted that he was a private person. His quarters reflected his Vulcan heritage and he looked in the sleeping alcove where Spock had pointed, _"I believe that you will hand that on to future generations who will appreciate it for what it is and what it was."_ The sword. He had looked at it then at Spock who had just said, _"It is only fitting that it be with one who honors the significance of the instrument as well as the craftsmanship. May it bring you pleasure, now please take it to your quarters without comment, your expression and body language says all that needs be said."_ So many times he had seen his friend say so much with just a raised eyebrow and other times he had seen his mastery with language. He placed his hand on the sword, "I have more to say to you **so you better be there**." then headed for the bridge.

Lieutenant Uhura sat still in her quarters rereading what she had put down in words and filed under a heading only she would know. It stated all her feelings on the trip, her reaction to the events, and explained why she was taking the actions she was. She had started it twenty days ago and would not finish with it till after they arrived at Star Base Six and sent one copy to the Captain and one to Command. It had been difficult to not be as emotive as she wanted to be when she wrote it but she heard that beloved baritone, _"A calm and logical woman with the right words is far more powerful than any sort of weapon any sentient being could create. You, Lieutenant Uhura, are a most gifted, calm and logical woman who lives a full live but remember you are also a weapon of great power. As with all things timing is everything and you will know when to use what you have to best effect."_ As she turned of the computer she knew when she sent it there would be definite effects on others, on herself, and knowing that the one on Star Base Six would have understood.

There was a chime letting her know somebody was at her door. She adjusted her uniform and went to the door. "Sulu, is, is,"

Sulu smiled, "I just came to see if you were okay and to tell you that as the Captain is in Sickbay I have the Conn and I have increased to warp five point two. Gives us a better chance."

She looked rather startled, "Why is he in Sickbay?"

"After you left the Admiral more or less said that," damn, how to tell someone as close as she was to the First Officer that in all likelihood he would be dead before they got there, "he will be dead before we get there." There was just a slight tremor of her body before she shut her eyes. Facing a Klingon bird-of-prey was nothing compared with just waiting for a reaction from his friend as she just stood still for a minute.

Uhura took a deep breath and looked right at him, "Thank you for telling me that. I will be back on,"

"No, Doctor McCoy has you off for six days and I agree. For now Pavel and I can help the two other officers and get to Star Base Six with you resting and the Captain recovering as the reality clearly is almost too much for him. I will let you know as soon as I know anything. Officer Hanning is at your station."

Uhura nodded, Officer Hanning would fit in well and was very skilled. "Thank,"

"You can thank me by resting. You know where I am if you need me."

Once he had gone and she had managed to get her breathing back and her mind settled the way her special friend had taught her so many years ago she sat down and thought of prayer but started to sing instead as she always had found peace in song.

You're from a different place than me

Our beliefs may differ it is true

Yet as opposite as we two may be

I found a wonderful friend in you

You like it real and I like to dream

Yet no matter what we may do

Be it or be it not by some scheme

What we have always comes through

I am outgoing you are more reserved

You see many options I see only two

I've often wondered how I deserved

This special friendship I have with you

As though afraid it would be crushed by her touch she opened the cover the special book she kept in a drawer by her bed and read the note, _Uhura, with thanks for sharing the music of friendship and the silence of friendship. Spock._ A book of songs of all continents and at lease one song from each country on Old Earth wen it was published in 1980. She smiled as she remembered how she had been so certain she was in trouble for reporting late for a beam up when they were at Star Fleet Headquarters and there had been a concert she had gone to and got talking with one of the singers about old songs. He had been helping Scotty with the transporter and when she was the second to last to beam aboard he had looked at her and simply said, _"Lieutenant, report to my quarters in eighteen minutes. I will give my report to the Captain and discuss this with you then."_ Eighteen minutes had seemed a lifetime as she thought of what it would do to her record to have it reported she was so late reporting back. He had been waiting for her when she arrived and before she could had said a word he had held out the book and simply said, _"I believe this is yours, Lieutenant. May I remind you that you are on duty in fifteen point eight one minutes. I will see you on the bridge."_ No more had ever been said about either incident. When she had gone to the bridge he had been there and acknowledged her with a nod that they both knew meant more than the others would know. _The silence of friendship._

While watching the two new officers trying vainly to fill the role that was filled by one Chekov was filled by conflicting emotions. It was not often he had been given the Conn, most times only when it was quiet and the First Officer was in command. He remembered twice not being sure about trusting someone when they had been on different planets and he had asked the First Officer what he should do he had seen an eyebrow raise and been told, _"Is there not a Russian proverb about trust but verify that would apply here?"_ and a time when the Captain was about to lecture him for a minor error and there had been the sound of a throat being cleared and that voice saying, _"Captain, perhaps Mister Chekov only need be reminded of the Russian proverb about there being no shame in not knowing, that the shame lies in not finding out, I am sure Mister Chekov will correct the error and find out what caused it."_ As he sat looking out the main screen his thoughts were on Star Base Six and of what Sulu had not said. He was trying to accept them as part of the crew but he could not accept that they did belonged there as First Officer and Science Officer. No, he could accept it but he would not accept it. For a moment he smiled as he remembered so long ago when Spock had reminded him of the difference between the two. There was still so much that quiet friend could help him with. He looked at the registers and took a moment to calculate the changes Sulu's action would have made and nodded, be there in less than five standard days. He remembered an old Russian proverb his mother used to say and knew it was true as he softly said it, "When you meet a man you judge him by his clothes, when you leave you judge him by his heart." He nodded as he added, "**And you, Mister Spock, have a great heart.**"

Kirk felt better and knew his place was on the bridge. McCoy had not commented but the way he was looking at him showed his surprise and silently asked if he were really ready. "I better get back up there, Bones. I trust Chekov but I need to be there."

When we walked onto the bridge Chekov quickly stood and looked at him, almost as though afraid, "Keptin, Sulu,"

"Thank you but I am aware of that situation."

"Oh, ahh, we are on course for Starbase Six at warp five point two and should be there in just over four days."

The First Officer gave an annoying humph and said, "**The Captain needs exact times** not,"

Kirk held up his hand but the man kept looking at Chekov, "such a vague statement. **It is little wonder you are not**,"


	7. Chapter 7

"**That is enough!**" Kirk turned and looked at the man as though seeing him for the first time. "Mister Chekov has the Conn and you will not disrespect that position. If he gave me vague information is it because the First Officer had not kept him fully informed. If I had been in the Conn would you have provided me with routine updates as to the status of the ship?"

"Oh course as that is an essential part of this position, to keep the Captain informed of the status. But he is not the Captain, he is just," the man suddenly became aware of the stillness on the bridge and the look Kirk was giving him.

"Sorry I am late back, Sir." Sulu walked in and paused as he realized something was happening.

"Lieutenant Uhura resting?" Kirk had not looked away from the man but Sulu knew the question was for him.

"She is resting, Sir. " proficient

"We are just about to be told what role Officer Yates believes Mister Chekov holds when given the Conn. He clearly stated that he was not the Captain and is just something else. I am waiting to hear what that is."

"Sir, I meant no disrespect but I was assigned as the First Officer of this ship with you as the Captain. Therefore **I should have had the Conn**."

Momentarily the words echoed in his mind was _assigned as the First Officer of this ship_ but stopped. "You have not really been out in deep space all that often as a First Officer, have you?"

"Yes, I have been out in deep space for eighteen months, Sir."

"And in those eighteen months what forms of previously unknown lifeforms, what unknown vessels, have you encountered?"

"None, Sir, but I am prepared."

"Oh, so before you became a First Officer you had encountered unknown lifeforms and unknown vessels?"

There was a telling pause, "Ah, not really, Sir."

"Please clarify the not really. Not really is rather vague. You either did or did not."

The officer looked at the floor then back at Kirk, "I have never encountered unknown lifeforms or vessels, Sir, however I have encountered challenging situations with them."

"How challenging?"

"I see no need to,"

Kirk was starting to see how inexperienced Yates really was. He had been so desperate to get back out into space that he had taken this milk run, this ship, and these two officers. He had listened to Bones telling him he had over-reacted but he had been so enraptured by that feeling he had first had on his first voyage as a captain. Now that was gone and he realized the high price he had paid, No. Bones had said "**If**"

He looked back at Yates regretting he had not even looked at the man's record. He knew nothing about him. "Answering the questions put to you by a Captain is a part of your sworn duty, is it not? Now, how challenging were those encounters and what part of the decision-making were you?"

Yates looked unnerved, threatened, "I offered my opinions and solutions with each encounter."

"And" Kirk sensed something unusual, something that didn't sit right with him.

"They were rejected but they would have worked. They would have world as all the details were right, they would have worked."

The word 'would' made Kirk really look at the man, "Were these encounters in space on a ship or on a base in a simulator?"

"You can check my record. I have all the skills and knowledge to be a First Officer. I have worked and studied hard and have proved myself worthy of being a First Officer. They would not have put me with you if I were not worthy of being a First Officer. I guess they wanted me to show you how much better it is having a Chief Science Officer and a human First Officer than **a hybrid that did both sufficiently** but."

Suddenly both Sulu and Chekov turned and looked at Kirk, both ready to restrain him as well as each other. Hey both saw that slight change in their captain's stance to know what was about to happen and were ready to restrain him as they knew he was still accepting the reality that they were losing Spock.

"**Hold it right there, mister!**" Yates looked like he had been physically struck and Lane backed well away believing it could easily become more than verbal. Kirk took two steps closer to Yates and looked him right in the eyes, "You are on this ship **only because I needed a First Officer**. **I made one horrific error that has cost me more than you will ever know**, **I will not make another horrific error by keeping you on as a First Officer**."

"They, they will ask,"

"And I will tell them that **I do not have bigots on my ship** and I have **proven officers** on the bridge. I have only those seasoned officers who have survived several actual encounters with unknown hostiles on the bridge. And I shall tell them you are highly deluded to think that you could ever be remotely in the same class of First Officer as Mister Spock." He looked at Sulu and Chekov and nodded, "I am sorry, gentlemen, but until I get a tested First Officer you two will have to share the duty of First Officer."

"Yes, Sir." was said in almost unison.

"But, but I am,"

Kirk turned back to Yates, "You can be on the bridge as an observer. You are not my First Officer. Understood?"

"Understood, Sir."

Remembering that rank has its privileges Kirk had managed to obtain details of how to get to the Intensive Ward of the medical facility on Starbase Six so that he knew exactly the fastest way to get to Spock once they had arrived. He had not only see the lay-out of the medical facility but knew exactly where the regeneration room was. He would leave Sulu and Chekov to deal with the initial debriefing if he had to but he had to get to Spock.

As soon as they were cleared to leave the ship Kirk bolted towards where he knew Spock would be. The others were right behind him and it was not until he turned into the room that had the regeneration tank that he stopped. It was empty. The room was empty.

**It was empty.** All traces of anybody having been there gone. **Any body**. Almost by instinct he turned an looked at McCoy, "Bones?" A part of him had been aware of McCoy calling out to him as soon as they had entered the medical facility but he had to get to that room. He had to get to Spock. He had to talk with him, had to explain to him so many things he did wrong, had to try to save the most important friendship he had ever had or could ever have.

Two hands gripped his upper arms, "Jim, Jim you have to listing to me. Listen to me now. I,"

"**Ye'll be keepin' him away** from him now." Kirk saw Scotty walking rapidly towards him and there was no mistaking the look in his eyes nor how tired he looked, Two men in security uniforms were behind him. "Ye'll allow McCoy in but nae others. Later maybe the others but **nae him**."

A nurse called out, "Mister Scott, we need you here now!"

"Right there. Keep him out."

The others raced after where Scotty had dashed to but were stopped at the door. The could not even look in through the windowed panels as the reflector was on that let those in the room see out but those outside only saw a mirror. The two security guards stood by the door and for a moment Kirk started towards them. Spock was in there and he was going to go in. Scotty had said to keep him away from him. Spock was alive and in that room and he was going to get in there.

The hands gripped his arms again and McCoy all but shouted in his ear, "**Dammit Jim, listen to me!** Look at me. **Look at me.**"

As though fighting every emotion he had ever felt in that moment Kirk managed to pull himself together and look at his friend. The pain was on the face, "Do you think I don't want to crash in there and take over? You think it has been easy being out there on that excuse of a ship knowing we could lose him, especially when I would get updates."

"You, you knew?"

"Yes and I knew you would try to get here too fast and get us stuck out there on that, whatever that craft was if you knew. Now none of them know how, and I'll be damned if I know after reading all the reports they've been sending me, but he is still with us. You had made it clear you did not want to know how he was.

Kirk tried to think when he had made it so clear then shook his head, "When, when you came to the bridge and asked about how Spock was doing it was," he could not form the question let alone say it.

"I wanted to see what frame of mind you were in before I mentioned what had happened. From your reaction I thought it best not to mention it. You clearly had enough emotional baggage to sort through without me adding to it. It wasn't like we were on the Enterprise and could have been back in time."

"He, he is going to ,"

"It is enough, for now, that he is still with us, Jim. They have noted that he only makes sounds and movements when Scotty is there. Seems there was an incident and they were going to remove Scotty after he charged into the room with the regen right after his first surgery, reached into the solution, and physically touched Spock. They said that Spock gripped his hand, breaking five bones in his hand, said Scotty. That was all Scotty needed as he then pointed a phaser at them with his other hand and said it was not set to stun and he was not leaving his friend."

"A real phaser? He aimed a phaser set to kill at,"

McCoy smiled and nodded, "As he was holding Spock's hand and the phaser Spock said 'Don't tell Jim.' and then 'T'hy'la. He handed it over once they officially agreed, before several witnesses, he could stay and they then found out it was inoperable." McCoy pointed to the door across the hall from the door into the room Spock was in, and Kirk saw it was an ablutions room, "Apart from the few minutes he was in there he has been in with Spock, in contact with him, letting him know he was not alone, and keeping him here since after he came out of the first surgery. He would doze in a chair by the regen but kept hold of his hand. The two officers with him would bring him food and hold Spock's hand when he used the ablution facilities. Scotty made sure he was not alone, that there was always a shipmate with him."

"Scotty is still mad at me."

"I think mad is a bit on the tame side, Jim. You have to realize that he was there when you erupted and told Spock to say out of your life. He has no idea what these last few days have been like for you as well as the rest of us. He is not the only one mad at you but the rest of us are more controlled. I'm gonna go in there for a minute and have a word with him."

"Bones, I have to see Spock, I have to,"

"You have to wait here with the others. I will let you all know what is happening when I come out.

Although he tried to think of a time when time had gone so slowly Kirk could not remember. To be this close. To know that Spock was still alive. To not be allowed to see him only made the waiting worse. It let his imagination and memory merge and he did not like the different scenarios as none of them ended how he wanted them to. McCoy came out looking more shaken than Kirk could remember seeing him and he said nothing for a few minutes as he stood just shaking his bowed head with his eyes closed and his arms firmly across his chest as though holding in a primal scream.

"Bones?"

"I, **I need a drink**."

That reply only made Kirk more uneasy, "What is it, Bones?"

"**Just GET ME A DAMNED DRINK!**" McCoy had not opened his eyes nor moved.

* * *

A/N May be away for a few days/weeks so will leave this here for now. Enjoy. Take care and HAVE FUN!


	8. Chapter 8

Chekov dashed off saying, "I'll, I'll find one."

While they waited Kirk looked at the other two and saw the concern on their faces as they watched McCoy clearly dealing with some inner demons. It was obvious they were both thinking of what could be so wrong but also knew to not say or do anything as there had been that tone, that verbal hair-trigger warning. Whatever he saw or heard in that room had totally shocked McCoy in a way Kirk could not recall ever seeing before.

If there were a record for racing from the canteen to the medical facility Kirk was sure Chekov had set it as he dashed up to McCoy with a bottle and a covered cup, "I got plain hot coffee and the only whiskey bottle they use in cooking as I do not know where the bar is."

With just nod McCoy took the bottle, "Hold the cup, will you?" Chekov held the cup and McCoy, after removing the top, poured a significant amount of whiskey into the cup and then drank the hot liquid.

Kirk looked at the others and saw their concern when McCoy just kept looking into the empty cup. Gently he placed a hand on McCoy's arm, "You okay, Bones?"

McCoy pulled away from his hand as though burned and glared at him, "**No, Captain,** I am not okay and, right now **I want you to stay the hell away from me**. He is, he is like that **because of you**, you who proclaimed long and loud to be his friend, who often said you trusted him more than you trusted yourself. Him being in there like that is proof you do not trust him otherwise you would have listened to him. **You should have trusted him.**"

He was quiet for a moment, glanced briefly at the closed door then blazed at Kirk while pointing at the door, "Because you did not trust the best First Officer in Starfleet, and perhaps **the best friend you ever could have had**, I have to go back in there and transfer his medical care to either Vulcan to see if they can help him or the special facilities at Starfleet where various specialists from all over the Federation will use him to learn more about treating such injuries. **Because of you**, you and blasted regulations, **I have to condemn my friend to hell**. You should be damned pleased with yourself, Captain. You wanted him the hell out of your life and **he is going to be in a hell for possibly the rest of his life** and we both know how long Vulcans live. I have told them in there that I will bring you in to see him.** I want you to see what hell you have put him in**. I want you to see what you did to the one person you said you would give your life for. You are not to say anything or do a thing and remain where we stand. You wanted him to stay the hell out of your life, well, Captain, you are going to see he is already there thanks to your help. You wanted to see him and I will let you see him one last time. Come on."

With McCoy's words numbing him with their truth and also the fury in them Kirk followed him into the room and stopped almost as soon as he entered. McCoy had said Spock had been exposed to compounds that should never come into contact with flesh, that his body had been punctured by thin metal shards, that it had been in a confined space with gasses and pressurized liquids but he had not been prepared for this. He had seen Spock seriously injured before but not like this, never like this. His body was mottled green-red-black-blue, from his head for the length of his body, the only privacy he had was a cloth over his pelvic area with tubes leading from it, tubes going down his nose and into where his stomach was. Periodically there was a series of tremors that threatened to shake it off the bed and caused a muffled scream to erupt from Spock. Almost instinctively he took a step forward but was stopped by the two security guards who pulled him out of the room after one had put a hand over his mouth to stop him from calling out. He last saw Spock being comforted and connected to Scotty.

The three rushed over to him and guided him to a bench where they had him sit down. He took the cup of water Chekov handed him but all he could see was that form, those tubes, the colors, and the tremors.

From somewhere in the distance Kirk heard a voice call out his name but he still could not stop hearing in his head McCoy's words and seeing how Spock was. It took him a moment to recognize the man walking up to him, Admiral Millian.

"I know what it is like to lose a good officer, Kirk, but you know that we have more pressing matters to take care of before the Enterprise goes out on its next mission. I need your report of the situation aboard the Enterprise as well as your assessments of your new Science Officer and new First Officer."

_Your new Science Officer and new First Officer. Your new Science Officer and new First Officer._ Almost in a panic he looked around for McCoy but he was not there._ Have to transfer his medical care to either Vulcan to see if they can help him or the special facilities at Starfleet. Let you see him one last time. The best friend you ever could have had. Had. __**Had**__**.**_

"**McCoy.** I need to talk with McCoy."

"You will later, Kirk. I am sure he has matters to deal with regarding Mister Spock's transfer."

"**No**. He needs my approval for that." Now actually looked at the man standing before him and saw a hint of understanding about the face but the rest of the man radiated hard-line Starfleet upper echelon, a man bound by the rules and procedures.

"Kirk, in a case like this it is the Chief Medical Officer who had been charged with caring for the officer who has this sort of decision to make. Although I can disregard your report wanting him removed from the Enterprise **it is up to Doctor McCoy** as to what is to be done with him unless there are any specific instructions on his records and there was no authorization for another person to make decisions for him apart from you but since you specifically stated you wanted nothing more to do with him on any level. If Doctor McCoy believes it best to transfer him then that is how it is. From my communique with Doctor McCoy he would, for initially a year, be granted permission to be at whatever facility Mister Spock is transferred to, to not only ensue proper care but also to further his knowledge into caring for a mixed species individual."

In the depths of his mind he knew that was true and with that knowledge he again heard McCoy saying, _You can be assured, Sir, that I will not mention his name again on the bridge of this or any other ship you are the captain of as I will not be on those ships._ At the time he had thought it just exasperation but McCoy had avoided him and been so professional and distant when they did talk. He had not known that Spock had thought enough about him to name him as the one to make decisions for him should he be unable to.

"We should go to my officer **now**, Kirk, to go over the details of your last mission and to discuss your upcoming mission." For about two minutes Kirk was vaguely aware of Millan standing looking at him but could not believe that he was being ordered to leave them. Them. The reality of losing both of them slowly dawning on him.

"With all due respect, Sir, I, I have be here for them."

There was a slight change in Millan's voice, "I can understand your feelings, Kirk, but you have to remember not only your duty to Starfleet but also the facts that** you originally left Mister Spock behind** and made it clear **you did not what him back under your command**. Granted that may have been made under Utoga's influence but **the request was signed by you**. Doctor McCoy has made it clear that he would prefer to stay with Mister Spock than remain under your command. It was you decision to transfer Mister Spock from your command and it was Doctor McCoy's own decision to stay with him," there was a slight chuckle, "actually it was more an ultimatum in that he be allowed to remain Mister Spock's principal care giver or he would resign."

_He would resign._ McCoy would resign if he could not take care of Spock, not if he could not be on the Enterprise. He would rather be with Spock. He had lost him as well.

"Kirk, We should go to my office now, Kirk, to go over the details of your last mission and to discuss your upcoming mission We will, of course, find extra medical sfass as Doctor M'Benga will relieve for McCoy.." For about two minutes Kirk was vaguely aware of Millan standing looking at him but could not believe that he was being ordered to leave them. Them. The reality of losing both of them slowly dawning on him.

"I, I can't just leave them."

"We will not be all that long and then you can come back and have the next nine days to say your farewells and get acquainted with your new crew. I, we need to know what happened out there as we have had an unprecedented number of requests for transfer from your crew all giving personal reasons."

_Acquainted with your new crew. Unprecedented number_, that feeling of the change in the crew, not just the bridge crew. Despite what the individuals might have thought of Spock as a Vulcan he knew the crew respected him as a man and a fellow officer. So often he had heard so many of the crew comment on how he had helped them learn or understand something. _Personal reasons._ They would have heard about what he had done to Spock and most likely thought that if he could do that to his closest officer and friend then he could do it to them, also the way he had done it was beneath contempt.

"Shall we go, Kirk?" It was an order as well as a question as he started to look a the others Millan said, "You will be allowed to return after our two meetings, Kirk, and be told the situation then."

As he followed Millan he suddenly saw again how Spock had looked at him after he had sent him from the bridge and told him to go to hell. The way Spock had looked at him and said, "May you live long and prosper, Captain Kirk." before walking away without a backward glance even from the turbolift. He had just walked away, walked out of his life. Walked out of his life just as he was not walking away from the bridge or even the hip but him, he was walking away from him without a backwards glance. No, **he had sent him away** ,_"Stay the hell out of my life!"_ was the last thing he had said, the last thing Spock had heard him say to him. All his anger, fury, and rage had come out in those words that he had meant at the time. At that moment saying, yelling, _**"Stay the hell out of my life!"**_ had made him feel powerful and in command,

In command, what a joke. He had been** a puppet**. Knowing that other more experienced, more senior, officers were fooled by Utoga did not make it any easier to accept how he had been so easily used. He wondered if any of them had lost what he had lost because of being used, if any of them had done to the only being in the known galaxies who knew them so well and who had followed their lead even when they both knew it could end in their deaths what he had done to that special being. Had all those other commanding officers treated their officers and friends the way he had? Had those officers and friends walk away looking as Spock had?

The first debriefing meeting was about Utoga and they were largely filling the small details he had left out, details that only further highlighted how he had been a marionette.

He realized he had largely just been hearing what was said but not listening till Millan said, "Captain Kirk, we note your report states simply that you ordered Mister Sulu to go to warp eight Mister Spock got into an altercation with you about it that turned physical and you ordered him off the bridge. We have been unable to either hear or view the events from when Utoga questioned your ability to be a captain to when the turbolift doors shut behind Mister Spock. We would like to hear your version of what happened. We have heard from Utoga but as he has been proven to give false information too many times in the past we are curious as to how wrong his report is this time. We have serious doubts as to what was reportedly said and done, not knowing what a dynamic team you two were."

_What a dynamic team you two were. Were. Were. **Were**_**.** He looked at the group around him, all senior officers and all expecting answers. "Spo, Mister Spock refused to carry out my order to unlock the system but he refused, I repeated the order two more times and he still refused, we exchanged a few words and I ordered him off the bridge."

"So there was no physical interaction started by you and you neither said he was just another subordinate officer or ordered him to stay the hell out of your life?"

"Over the years Mister Spock and I,"

"We are not talking about that, Kirk, we need to know about **this specific event**. Did it happen or not?"

Kirk looked at the man, "Over the years Mister Spock and I have often disagreed and one or the other of us said and done things that may seem out of place by those who do not know us. Mister Spock realized I had been influenced by Utoga and did try to make me see that by physically pushing me into the command seat. I could not see it and, and I reacted in a way I could never imagine I could or would do."

"Utoga's usual." the panel of three had all nodded, "You spent a great deal of time with him and no doubt he started talking about the past glories you both had and got you to thinking of your first time as Captain. He sort of isolated you from the others and would talk about better ways of doing things, ways of being as you were, Correct?"

Kirk thought back, back to how that first evening they had been board and Utoga had joined him for a drink and a talk and just about every day after that he had been with him, talking about the past and how they saw their futures. They seemed so alike and he had been so swayed by the memories that Utoga made so real that he wanted to feel that way again. He had believed he could feel that way again. He had spent more time with him that with McCoy or even Spock in that time and started to see what Utoga meant by being too involved. He had not realized that Utoga had him where and how he wanted him, how he had been using him for information and making him distrust those he had trusted. It had been so insidious he had not realized it. Sure, the others, especially McCoy and Spock, had tried to tell him but Utoga had reminded him how the jealous and possessive acted. He had noticed how the crew had acted around him but he remembered his first crew had acted that same way and Utoga had said it was how a crew should act. He had never stopped to think about his history with Spock when he had lashed out, he had not questioned Spock as to his reasons, he just heard Utoga asking him if he were a captain or not. He, he had told his best friend to say the hell out of his life. At first he wanted to blame Utoga but he knew** it was all his fault**, he had somehow believed what Utoga had said, the way he had said it, the way he had brought back the past and that feeling of having achieved something major and having a command he was after. He had been used and in turn had abused others. How stupid could have have been not to see he was being used. All he could do was nod.

"Kirk, you lashed out physically and verbally in ways totally out of character for you but are the ways Utoga planted in my mind. The trouble is that you are now having to face the effects of alone. In your case it was not your reputation and career at stake, like most of his other victims have been, but your ship that he waned to use as a weapon against Starfleet, It is clear that the Gavainian government had not thoroughly investigated his actions, only his results. When we told him we were duty bound to send him back to his home-world he started to get paranoid about what they would to do him as they would investigate everything and he would be struck from their history and killed in a way that would make our worst nightmare seem a dream.

"Your record will not show that Utoga's impacted on your actions and that, in fact, it was because of your interaction with Utoga that he was caught and his threat against this base and Starfleet were largely thwarted with, at the time of this hearing, no loss of life although the Enterprise did suffer minimal structural damage. We will adjourn for thirty standard minutes then discuss your assessment of officers Yates and Lane and their roles on your ship."

Sitting in the small cafeteria with others around him chattering Kirk knew he should be pleased that his record would not be damaged, that they realized that he had been used. _Acquainted with your new crew._ The words echoed in his head and he kept seeing that, that form, not wanting to believe it was what he had done to Spock. The look on Spock's face before he left the bridge, the near hatred on McCoy's face when he said he had to transfer Spock's medical care to another also kept flashing before him. He heard Utoga saying how only a fool makes friends with any crew members as they are all expendable if need be. Damn! He had lost his two best friends and realized that the rest of his senior crew could just as easily seek and be granted transfers. Spock had tried to tell him not to trust Utoga and he had accused him of being jealous.

A security guard walked up to him, "One of your officers says he wants to see you. I told him after the hearing but that I would tell you."

Under his breath Kirk bet it was either Yates or Lane wanting to appear important. "Thank you." He watched the man head for the door and as soon as it opened Chekov rushed into the room with the security right behind him, "**Keptin**, he, wants to. see you."

"I told the Captain that and I told you,"

"Keptin," Chekov looked right at him, looking him in the eyes, "**HE, he said, said your name**." there was an urgency in Chekov's voice and it was clear he had run all the way from the medical facility and was not about to be stopped. "Sir, **HE** **wants you**. **HE** **wants you**."

_**HE** **wants ****you**. **HE** **wants you**._ Kept echoing Kirk knew who the "he"was and knew that was all that mattered. By the time he looked again for Chekov he noticed the young officer was already out the door and could be heard running down the hallway. _**HE** **wants you**. **HE** _**_wants you._ ** He looked at the security officer briefly as he went by him, "Tell Admiral Millan I am at the medical facility, he will know where I am."

* * *

A/N Okay, got day's freedom so got this done. Away again for a few days (may be the week) so got it to here. Take care and HAVE FUN. Enjoy.


	9. Chapter 9

At the door to the room McCoy gripped his arm, "You just follow his lead, **Captain**. You do not ask questions, **you do not stress him**, you do not touch him, and you leave when I tell you. I have told Scotty you are going to be in there and I will admit he would have made one helllulva watchdog. But he is the one who heard him say your name and report."

"My name?"

"Your name, not your rank. But then 'Jim' is easier to say than 'Captain'. He is having difficulty speaking so it is virtually one syllable at a time which is a vast improvement. You upset him in any way and **I will personally haul you out of there**." McCoy shook his head as he let out a long breath, "Get in there before he drifts off again."

Going in the second time was not as bad as he had thought it would be. He saw Scotty holding one of Spock's hands and watching him with eyes that dared him to even breath wrong.

In the silence he heard that baritone he thought he would never hear again, faint but there, say, "Jim, re port." he went to move but the look from Scotty stopped him.

"He'll be here soon, laddie. I'll tell ye when he is here."

"Scot ty?"

"Right here, laddie. I'm right here. Ye just rest."

"My re port."

"Chekov's got him for ye."

"Here?"

He hesitated till Scotty nodded at him, "I, I am here, Spock."

"Where?"

There was pain and confusion in his voice and Kirk moved to where Scotty indicated he stand and he saw two dark eyes look at him. Just about everything inside him screamed for him to run from the pain he saw on Spock's face but he stood there, "I am right here, Spock."

"My re port, Sir."

_Sir. Sir, not Jim._ Kirk felt suddenly cold. That look as he left the bridge. Calling him Captain Kirk as he left with the same tone he used for everybody else. "It, it can wait, Spock."

"Must give re port."

"You need to rest, Spock. It can wait."

"**Sir**, by reg," Spock's entire body started to violently spasm and he said a strangled "**No!**" before so many things happened.

Kirk felt McCoy grip his arm and start to pull him away as Scotty reached in to gently but firmly hold Spock's head still and shoulders pressed down by crossing his arms across Spock's chest, "Easy, laddie. I'm right here. I'm right here. We kin get through this one. Grip me arms." Almost as soon as he had said it Spock very firmly gripped Scotty's upper arms and the tension eased in his body, "That's the lad. Tis nae as bad as the last. That's it, laddie. That's it. Easy. Easy now."

"I, I ask for,"

"Now we'll nae have that, laddie. I told ye that before. Now ye just rest. I'll nae leave ye."

When Kirk struggled briefly in McCoy's hold he felt other hands grab him and pull him out of the room.

In the hallway there was no denying the blazing anger about the two blue eyes that looked at him, "**I told you not to stress him**!" Chekov and another officer released their hold on his arms and knew they were right behind him ready to grab him if he moved.

"He'll think I left him, Bones."

"He'll think his **Captain** left him. Like I said and you saw, one syllable words and Jim is one syllable and Captain two. That blasted Vulcan training of dedication, wanting to give a report and to you, his commanding officer, at a time like this."

_His commanding officer. Commanding officer. Vulcan training._ Kirk closed his eyes not only not liking the look on McCoy's face also to try to stop seeing how Spock had just been and how he was when he had left the bridge. "That's what he." No, Kirk opened his eyes and looked at McCoy, "That's, that's how he sees me now, isn't it? The way he looked at me, I could have been a stranger not his,"

"**Don't!**", McCoy held up his index finger between them, "**Don't you dare think of yourself as nor call yourself his friend**. Friends do not do what you did to him. Friends would never treat their friends the way you did him. Friends would never say to their friends what you said to him the way you said it if they ever said it at all. He would not show it but you hurt him deeply this time. When any of us went to see him he only used your rank if he spoke of you."

That slight change he had felt when Spock had looked at him on the bridge came back to him. Spock had been shutting off any and all feelings he had towards him. Once again protecting himself form the pain emotions cause him. Captain Kirk. But he had called out to him. Millans had said he had called out his name and T'ly'la.

"Bones, he called out to me, he called out,"

"I know and I also know how staunch atheists, at the moment they think they about to die, call out of a god they have denied all their lives. Reaction only wit no real thought. To think, after what you did to him, it could be anything else, that it could mean anything, is delusional. You didn't even go to see him after he walked off the bridge, did you? We know Utonga went down to gloat."

"He **what**?" Kirk shook his head not wanting to believe it but somehow not too surprised after all he had learned about Utoga..

"Oh, your new best friend did not tell you he went down a few times to look at Spock as though a prized catch and yet also with some hostility? Apparently he was really furious when Spock stopped the explosion. From what I hear he used some most unusual adjectives to describe Spock when he was there and Spock just stood looking at him in total silence and totally still. He even said how you were not missing him and how much better you thought the bridge was without him there to constantly questions your reasoning. Odd how his enemy went to see him but not the one who, for so long, claimed to be his friend."

An anger at himself and at Utoga stirred in Kirk. He had not gone down to see Spock because Utoga had said it was best to leave him in the past, to forget such an officer who did not respect him. It had seemed so right the way Utoga had stated it. Damn, he had been such a fool.

"How, how long will he be like that?"

"That's like that old question, Jim, how long is a piece of sting? That one syllable at a time has taken him and Scotty over three weeks of almost constant work. Scotty's only left him to use the ablution block and then he has had Brent Kelly in with him. How he is now may be as far as he progresses or we could get the old hobgoblin back. One thing you have to know, Jim, is that when the Enterprise leaves he does not. You saw him. Maybe in a year he could be walking and talking but the ships leaves in eight days and Scotty is doing all he can to stay with Spock although he does not want to leave either the ship or Spock. They started with just Spock moving a finger, then slowly, syllable by syllable , word by word, to this stage. They have worked together and got Spock back to us this far"

_This far_. Kirk really looked at McCoy Have to transfer his medical care to either Vulcan to see if they can help him or the special facilities at Starfleet. came back to him. "Don't, Jim. Don't even think about getting him back onto the ship as you had him transferred. It has taken three weeks of almost constant work by Scotty to get him this far back. All the experts are amazed and cannot accept it as by all that they, and I, were trained to believe he cannot happen but that is from a cold analytic point of view. What has happened in there with them is pure dedication and compassion and, may Spock forgive me, emotion, not any fancy equipment and medication."

"But they must know,"

"What they know, Jim, is that **you signed the papers to get him off the ship**, they have him now and can study him while I find an appropriate place for him."

"The Enterprise,"

"I just told you is out of the question. Apart from you signing him off the ship there is the fact that we do not have enough trained medical staff to help him with rehabilitation. We cannot expect Scotty to do it all, even though he is worse than a mother-hen when anybody tries to get close to Spock. Hell, even getting some crew trained in even the basics of caring for him as he is and will most likely be for some time would take at least two weeks and we leave in what, eight days. I've heard they think if he makes it through this it will take a year for him to get to a entry level."

Kirk was vaguely aware that one of the officers who had been in with Scotty had been sitting further along the hall and had got up and left. He had seen the man y in the corner or the treatment room just watching even though McCoy had said that there were two officers with him. All he could think about was how he could get Spock back on the ship. Mallin had said he had not actioned the request and if he had time he could think of what to do. There had to be a way.

An official came in, "I'm sorry, Captain Kirk, but we **must** have the meeting regarding your two new officers."

Words of protest started to form but he looked at McCoy, "You go to that,Jim. I have a patient to check up on."

As he walked to the meeting room Kirk kept hearing, _Your new Science Officer and new First Officer. Acquainted with your new crew_. He had always known that on so many missions he had send Spock on without him that there was a possibility that he would not return but this, this was different. He had caused this to happen. It was not some natural disaster, so alien factor they had not encountered before, some war they were trying to prevent. He and he alone had caused it by not only **not trusting his best friend** but also driving him to this as he should have known that Spock would try to find the cause for the Enterprise feeling odd, that Spock would have obtained permission to help find out what he had been so sure was wrong with the ship. Both Yates and Lane were in the room waiting and stood as he entered. Two different egos and aims leading to delays in information and almost open hostility on the bridge.

"Well, Captain Kirk, as we discussed prior to this incident, when you originally submitted a request for a new First Officer and a new Science Officer we let you assess Yates and Lane to see if they would fit your in with your crew. We are aware that Mister Spock is no longer being considered for medical reasons but can you tell us that had the incident not occurred with Utoga **he would he still be both your First Officer and your Science Officer**."

"There is **no other being I would have there**, Sir, **no other being I would trust with my crew, my ship, ****or****my****life**. I am more ashamed for my actions than you can ever know. They were unworthy of me as a Captain in Starfleet, they were unworthy of me as the Captain of the Enterprise, and far worst than those they were most unworthy of me as a friend. If there were any way at all possible for him, for Mister Spock to be back on the Enterprise in that role," a mental picture of how Spock was flashed before him and he paused, "but there seems to be no way as even with special rehabilitation there is no certainty as to how long it would take and the Enterprise has a mission in eight days."

"Although Mister Spock has made some slight improvements, from what we have been told is it highly unlikely that he will return to active service within a standard year. Had he shown more improvement, or the possibility for more improvement before you leave, and if you had a larger medical team we would have considered allowing him to assist as First Officer to assure us he would become fit enough to again be part of the dynamic team we know is on the Enterprise. We even, with the medical team who are caring for him here, did a projection of how long it would take, the trained staff it would take, to get him up to that level and it would be in excess of three thousand hours, roughly a standard year's work. It is with great regret that we must break up such a dynamic team. We will go over what the reasoning is for us to put forward these to officers and will discuss your opinions."

As they read out all Yates and Lane had done Kirk looked at the two men knowing he would have to have and not Spock. They had both shown they knew their positions and yet he was unsure as they seemed to know nothing about their duties and responsibilities in those positions. He knew he had been expecting higher standards than perhaps he should have been expecting from them but it was more than that, more, even, than them not being Spock. That almost petulant _I should have had the Conn_ and the conversation that followed still bothered him as it showed him an immaturity and bigotry he would not abide with on his ship. And the way Lane went off on so many different tangents instead of just a simple yes or no. Then there were the eighteen times when he had turned to them as he used to with Spock expecting them to be able to give him an update without having to be asked. Eighteen, he slightly shook his head, it must have bothered him for him to remember how many times he did it. He had seen and heard how they treated the bridge crew and found himself comparing them with Spock and with what he expected.

"Your thoughts, Kirk." the voice pulled him back from the comparisons he was starting to make, "Kirk. Your thoughts. Do you see any difficulty having them as your new First Officer and new Science Officer?""

"I do not so much see difficulty as much as **personality clashes** due to a total lack understanding of exactly what the role is of every member of my crew and respecting the officer and the role irrespective of rank and an uncertainty of the ready availability of information in critical situations without considerable wasted time to a basic yes or no question, Sir."

Almost immediately both men sprang to their feet and almost in unison said, "That's a wrong assessment of my abilities."

"As a First Officer **I should have been given the Conn**. He had no right as he has not been in a senior role. It is important for there to be consistency in the ranks and that way the crew know who holds what position. I was the First Officer and should not have been placed under the orders of a lesser ranking officer. I was trained and have progressed as I have by knowing my place and keeping my eye on advancing, not staying where I am and not being lowered to serve under the command of a junior officer."

"And I have reached my rank by providing all possible answers to questions that I am uncertain about. By supplying all possible answers the officer asking can decide which option is the information they require."

"But you were put under the orders of a junior officer. If,"

The officer Kirk had seen walk out of the room Spock was in came rushing in, giving Kirk a quick nod, "I, I mean no disrespect to this meeting, gentlemen, but I am Lieutenant Brent Kelly from the Science Department of the starship Enterprise have here," he held up a computer chip, "the names of the three hundred and eighty-five members of the crew of the Enterprise who are willing to undergo training so that we can help Mister Spock fully recover aboard his ship. We realize that there will not be enough time to train every one of them in the remaining days but those who are trained here can then, on the ship, train others who will train others. We can do it in,"

"That is unacceptable. **I am the First Officer**."

Millans glanced at Yates then looked at Kelly and said, "Continue."

"Thank you, Sir. We can have enough people trained to help Mister Spock fully recover in twenty-four point five three standard weeks. We will be able to help Mister Spock without any disruption to the running of the ship. I have been authorized to,"

"But I will have the First Officer's quarter's."

This time Yates was ignored, "Please tell us how you calculated this time factor. We were told that it would be at least a standard year."

"We figured that you would say a year but that is doing just eight hours a day with him meaning a total of two thousand nine hundred and twenty hours. The crew of the Enterprise on that chip are willing, with the shifts we will do, to work with him for seventeen hours a day which is one hundred and nineteen hours a week, dividing that into the hours you have allowed is twenty-four point five three weeks." Kirk admired the man's ability to stand up in front of the panel and be so exact and do determined. "We were unable to contact all the crew as some were down here with Mister Spock and the others down here for other reasons but I am sure they will all want to help."

"You see, that it why I will be a great First Officer, why I will increase the efficiency of the Enterprise, **I do not allow junior officers so much leeway**. He is wasting time as,"

"I am also here," Kelly looked at Kirk then back at the panel, "to advise you that should Mister Spock **not be returned to the Enterprise as First Officer** you will find each and every one of those three hundred and eighty-five members of the crew of the Enterprise will resign."

Yates laughed, "You expect us to believe the whole crew would resign just for one officer."

Kelly again looked at Kirk and then at Yates as though he were something he had steeped in while crossing a pasture full of livestock. "I doubt if any would for you but Mister Spock is a part of the Enterprise, a major part of the Enterprise, I doubt if there is an officer on the ship he has not helped, even in some small way, in all the years he has been on the ship." Kelly shook his head, "You have been with a lot of us for twenty- eight days yet** you never got to know any of us, you never talked with any of us.** Sure, Mister Spock may not have been on first name terms with the crew but **he knew us, he made us feel like part of the whole, part of the family**. They take him off the ship and they will have to find a new crew. We, no doubt, will be asked why we resigned and **we will tell all who ask** that Command was not willing to allow a senior officer, who has served on the Enterprise for over a dozen years and who is temporarily unfit for duty, the twenty-four weeks it would take the get him back to being fit for duty on his ship. We will tell them **that Command intends to** **replace him with something that has the knowledge but not the aptitude not the attitude that a First Officer must have**."

Yates laughed, "I still say the whole crew would not resign over one officer."

For a moment the panel chatted among themselves then Millan looked at Yates "**You may not believe that** the crew of the Enterprise would resign in mass to keep Mister Spock aboard but **we know ****they would**, we know the extent that this crew will go to for one another. For the next twenty-five standard weeks you, Officer Yates, will be stationed aboard the Enterprise as an **assisting** First Officer and you, Officer Lane, will be stationed aboard the Enterprise as an **assisting** Science Officer. You will both be answering to not only Captain Kirk and to both the more practically experienced and the more senior officers on the bridge, but also Mister Spock should he be medically verified as fit for any form of duty. Failure to do so will reflect very badly on your careers. At the end of those twenty-five weeks, dependent on Mister Spock's status as attested by the medical staff at Command via comm units, your futures on the Enterprise and in Starfleet with be assessed. If that is not acceptable you may resign here and now."

Yates and Lane looked at each other totally stunned, then both said they agreed to the terms.

For just a moment Kirk sat still, not fully believing what just happened. He looked at Kelly and saw him nod back before turning to face the panel, "Thank you, Sirs, now if you will excuse me I have to let the others know and get the ship ready for the return of **our First Officer**. Captain, I will see you on the ship."

When Kelly had gone Millan and the other three on the panel talked for a few minutes then Millan looked at Kirk and smiled, "Captain Kirk, I can not speak for the others but I will say **you have one helluva a crew**. I had heard how it would close ranks to protect one another unlike any other ship in the fleet but till now I had thought that a rumor. I had also heard that there were those on the ship who did not like Mister Spock, that also seems to be in error. I think you should get back to the Medical Center and tell your crew there and start making arrangements for the transfer of Mister Spock back to the Enterprise, providing that, after your actions towards him, he still wishes to be under your command."

As the panel stood to leave Kirk managed to mutter a "Thank you, Sirs." as what had happened slowly registered with him. For a moment Millan paused and looked right at him. "Oh, when you have the chance you might like to talk to Officer Kelly about the protocol of such meetings as this. He did help clarify that those who had put in for transfer may have meant personnel reasons and not personal as we now fully understand the situation. We belief that situation has been rectified. While it is heartening to hear how loyal a crew is to their comrade and captain there is a time and place and manner in which to do so. Let him know that such actions **will not be tolerated again**."

_Providing that, after your actions towards him, he still wishes to be under your command. Sir. Providing that, after your actions towards him, he still wishes to be under your command. Sir. Sir._ Echoed in his head as he walked back to the Medical Facility. He felt chilled thinking that Spock had believed he had let him, that he had lost the one being who was the other half of him. If Spock woke up and he was not there he would believe he had left him. _ You didn't even go to see him after he walked off the bridge, did you? _No, he had sent Spock away. He had sent him away and not gone to check on him. **He ****had**** left him.**

McCoy's hand radiate a different feeling to Mister Scott's, Spock realized as he lay holding McCoy's hand and slowly drifting into a healing trace. He had remembered it all from when the delegation had come aboard. From the start there had been something about the Security Officer, something he did not trust. He had seen Jim changing, had seen how he was spend more and more time with the Security Officer and how the Security Officer seemed to know too much about Jim's past. Several times he had asked Jim to join him in a chess game but was told he was busy with the Security Officer, showing him around. He had found out that Jim had shown the man places on the ship they very rarely showed anybody for security reasons. There had been a change about the ship, not just the feeling of the crew that he had felt but the ship itself. He could understand the change among the crew for Jim was most decidedly not himself but he could not understand the change in the feeling about the ship. Then when the Security Officer had wanted to see how fast the Enterprise would go he knew he could not allow it. For some reason he knew it would do something catastrophic to the ship. When he locked the access to warp drive he knew he had crossed a line, he had taken control from Jim, he then deliberately refused to obey Jim's order three times. He had seen the look on Jim's face when Utoga asked if he was a captain or not. It was not the James Kirk he knew. It had not been him but when he had said to stay the hell out of his life **he had meant it**.

While Jim had not been in contact with him the others regularly visited him and it had been Mister Scott who also believed something had upset his bairns. They had set up a small computer he secreted in his cell and used only when he was sure that only Chekov was on duty. A few times the first week the Security Officer had come done and just looked at him, he had looked satisfied and it only confirmed that there was something very wrong with the ship, that he had somehow done something to the ship. Utoga had come down several times and vented and laughed at how easy it was.

When they returned to Star Base Six he had been pleased that Mister Scott had agreed to be responsible for him till a hearing could be convened so that he could help inspect the Enterprise. They had three of Starfleet's top engineers working with them. One hundred and twenty-seven point two standard hours into their search they found the first explosive and it was clear it was linked to others, others that were linked to the weaponry of the Enterprise. From the look on the faces of the others he knew they knew, as he did, that it was so arranged as to use the explosives on the ship to turn it into a bomb. It was a cramped space with only just enough room for the five of them to just be able to move. Mister Scott had pointed to a timer, a countdown and he could see the Scotsman knew the same, they had some how tripped the last switch. There had only been one thing to do, He had physically pushed the others out despite Mister Scott saying he'd not leave him, He had got them out, secured the hatch, and, as all nine lines had to be pulled at one time, reached out and wrapped his gloved hand around them all and pulled.

He had woken in a regen tank. Breathing with the aid of a mask. A hand was holding his, not gripping it as his fingers had been injured, but a hand letting him know he was not alone. He had been fairly sure whose hand it was and had that confirmed when he heard the brogue, "I'm right here, laddie. Ye did it. We'd've nae got it done had ye not do what ye did. I'm right here, laddie and I'll nae leave ye." It had been oddly reassuring that it was Mister Scott who was there has he heard other voices, voices he recognized as doctors, who were doing what they could for him. Something had upset his internal chronometer that had only recently got back to the norm but he knew he had been in the take for some time and that Mister Scott was always there. Dimly he remembered the first time the pain had threatened to overpower him that he had thought of Jim, that he had mental reached to him to say farewell as this pain, physical ad mental, were threatening to break him. He had managed to grip Mister Scott's hand hard enough to maintain control enough against the pain to mentally call out "Jim" and gripped Mister Scott's hand tighter and managed to whisper to him, "Don't tell Jim.", as he felt himself sinking, he called out to his beloved friend, "T'hy'la." then, feeling Mister Scott still holding his hand, he yielded to the need for sleep.

A pain he had never felt before jolted him from his sleep. He had felt the hand still in his and had gripped it then as his body started to shake beyond his control with the pain, and gripped the upper arms of the man holding his down, reassuring him with a steady, "That's it, laddie, grip me as ye need when you need. I'm right here, That's it laddie." As the pain eased and he realized the liquid that had been around him had been drained and was being replaced with fresh liquid. He realized that he was still tightly gripping the upper arms of the Scotsman. He had started to ask for forgiveness and had head, "We'll nae have that, laddie. I offered. Ye need to rest now. I'll be right here. I'm nae going to leave ye." He had been grateful not only for the support but also because he was finding he could only manage one syllable at a time as that part of his mind was being slow in recovering but was improving. At first it had just been mainly because of Mister Scott's obvious understanding and familiarity with him, as well as his patience, that they had been able to communicate with just hand grips and expressions, then had come sounds then syllables.

Mister Scott had stayed with him, seeming to leave only for short periods of time. When he had asked for Jim there had been a strange look of almost anger on the man's face but he had said that he would be back. Although Jim might not want him in his life he still had to give him his report on what happened, of what he found, of who he suspected. Every time the liquid in the tank was changed or the pain got too much he would grip those strong upper arms and Mister Scott would again be supportive and not complain. The worst pain had been one hundred and twenty-eight standard hours ago when they had removed him from the regen tank and placed him on the bed he was on and removed the mask. It was too much too fast for his to process ad he had pulled Mister Scott to him, clung to him as he fought for control against the pain. He had heard voices telling Mister Scott to let him go and had heard Mister Scott telling them to "Leave things a-bee. He needs me and I'll nae leave him."

With the mask off and Mister Scott there he had let Mister Scott know that he had to make his report. It was important he give his report. When Mister Scott had understood him saying Jim's name and report he had understood and said that Jim would be back. He also would sneak him some actual food, although at first the doctors were annoyed when it did not upset his systems they allowed it. It started when one of the officers had brought Mister Scott come pie he had put a bit of it on the tip of his index finger and offered it to him. Tangy lemon. Clearly he had showed he liked it as Miser Scott had given him more and more, not minding that the was licking his finger. He was still not to have solid food but what Mister Scott gave him was not really solid, it was pie and he expected to soon be able to open his mouth wider and take more in but as Mister Scott had not minded he had simply licked the pie from his fingers in larger and larger portions.

Then had come that feeling. That certainty, Jim had come. Jim was there. He had asked Mister Scott in the shortened way they had developed as he was still having some difficulty with speech, if Jim were there for his report. Then Jim was there, he was going to give him his report when the pain had again over powered his control for the twenty-fifth time. As the pain eased he had sensed Jim had left. He needed to give Jim his report as Jim was still his senior officer as far as he knew. He had eased back as Scotty held him steady and allowed him to grip his upper arms in a vain attempt to control the pain. ** Jim had gone**. Jim had left him. Jim had gone without him. He let sleep take him as he sought escape from the fact that **Jim had left him**.

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A/N Seasonal conflict going on with autumn trying to take over from summer using my yard as part of their battlefield means a lot of work and a few post-BC medical capers means I may be be back shortly or be a week or so away. Anyway - take care, HAVE FUN, and enjoy.


	10. Chapter 10

Kirk raced back to the Medical Facility. He knew he had to get there not just to tell Bones the news but to let Spock know he was there. Spock had to know he had not left him, would not leave him. _You should have trusted him. You should have trusted him._ Bones had been right. This was his fault, he had not trusted Spock. He had been so enraptured with remembering that feeling of being a captain for the first time he had not trusted him. Knowing that more senior officers had been tricked by Utoga did nothing to ease the agony of knowing what he had done and what he was sure he had lost.

Two security guards he recognized from the Enterprise were outside the door and when he went to go in one gripped his arm, "We have orders not to allow you access, Sir. You can sit down over there on the bench or return to the Enterprise to check it is ready for the next mission, Sir. Doctor McCoy said it was up to you and that he would let you know if there is any change."

The Enterprise. He had not even really thought of the ship. He had now asked how the repair and refit was going. Knowing that they had a mission in eight days was enough to tell him the ship would be ready. He was duty-bound to be ready, to have thoroughly reviewed the mission's goals, to have the crew ready. The ship.

He had taken about six paces away from the door and down the hall when he heard one of the officer say to the other, "Told ya he would pick the ship." Just for a moment anger flared through him then he realized that word would have been throughout the ship about how he had treated Spock and he knew that there was bound to be those who believed his actions were his own and those who knew that he had been used.

Slowly he turned and he could tell from the reaction it was not expected and then there was an expectation they were in trouble. "Either of you know where the main Comm Center is? I left my communicator on the ship."

The two looked at each other and then one held out his to Kirk, "You can use mine, Sir."

"Thank you."

He walked over to the bench and sat down before flipping it open, "Kirk to Enterprise. Come in Enterprise."

"Enterprise here, Sir. Go ahead." Uhura was her calm self.

"Who has the Conn?"

"Sulu, Sir."

He could picture Sulu moving over to Uhura's station before he heard, "Sulu here, Sir."

"Ship's status?"

"All repairs are finished to be finished in two days, we are then to go on a three day shake-down, and return to get our next mission. No problems are expected as the damage was, confined to, contained in one area, Sir."

"Crew?"

"We have enough crew aboard to maintain the ship and most of those due for rotation are returning. There is a large percentage of the crew who," Sulu was hesitant and Kirk nodded to himself, he did not want to say that they were waiting to hear what was to happen with Spock.

"Officer Kelly made that clear, Sulu." Kirk looked at the closed door and the two guards, "I will be back in contact shortly. Kirk out." As he stood he looked at the officer who loaned him the communicator as he handed it back, "I will need to borrow it again when I come back. What is the quickest way to Admiral Millan's office?"

Surprise was on the faces of both men as they told him of the short route, a service route, that not many knew of but that saved about ten minutes of walking although it did involve climbing.

Even as he was rushing through the warren of narrow service access halls and up service ladders Kirk knew it was the right thing to do, the only thing he could do. He only hoped the others would understand.

He knocked on the door to Millan's office as he opened it as there was nobody at the desk in front of it. Millan set down the cup of coffee he had been holding and looked up at him, "Kirk. What is it that was not covered before?"

"I did not mean to charge in like that but I have just heard that the Enterprise is to go on a three day shake-down after the repairs have finished."

"Standard as well you know."

"I cannot go on that shake-down trip and want Mister Sulu to be in command."

Millan looked at him, "Why can you **not** be on that shake-down trip on your own ship, Captain?"

"My First Officer needs me more right now than the ship does, Sir. I will be ready for the next mission but **I cannot leave Mister Spock right now**."

Millan picked up his coffee, took a sip, and looked at him over the rim of the cup for a minute before setting the cup down, "**You cannot leave** Mister Spock right now or **you will not leave him** till facilities have been made for him aboard the Enterprise?"

"I have to be with him, I have a lot to talk over with him."

"What used to be called fence mending? Utoga gave a fairly detailed description of what was said. Him being Vulcan you really think you can mend that fence?"

Clearly Millan had seen his doubt and with how Spock had acted made him shake his head, "I have to try, Sir. I need what we had, I need him. I know that makes no sense but,"

"Do it, Kirk. I," Millan turned to his computer and flicked a switch Kirk recognized as a dispatch switch, "Note to Danials, Personnel, Starfleet Command. For the next five standard days Captain James T. Kirk has placed Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu in command of the U.S.S. Enterprise while he remains to assist with the rehabilitation of First Officer Spock who is showing some minimal improvement and to help evaluate what accommodations will be required for Mister Spock's likely return to the U.S.S. Enterprise. Millan, out."

"Thank," Kirk started.

"No, no thanks Kirk." Millan looked right at him, "Eleven years ago I was a Captain as well. I was also close friends with my First and there was an incident that saw him put in a medical facility for a month. He was not as severely injured as Mister Spock and was to be on full duty after the month but I had not waited for him. I got a new First and we worked well as team, perhaps too well. I had wanted to be out there so much I did not check his record thoroughly, I knew nothing of his past. When we returned to the base four months later we were out doing a run around a park one night. I thought nothing of it. I had visited my former First beforehand and told him of my evening plans and he had asked if that was wise. I said I was running late and did not need to be questioned about running by somebody who could not even run at the required standard. I, **I'll never forget the look on his face**. He just turned and walked slowly back into the medical unit he was in. About ten minutes into the run my new First turned on me with a hyprospray saying he would be Captain. He had me pinned when my former first came charging from nowhere with six security people after him. I still am vague as to how he got between me and that hypospray but he, he got the full load from the it." For a moment he was silent, bowed his head and slowly shook it, "Having run after me his heart rate was already much faster than mine would have been as we had stopped for a few minutes. He, he died before I could say anything, before I could even get to him. Afterwards I found out how far and how fast he had run to save me. It was well over requirement. The, the last thing I said to him was he could not even run at the required standard. I could not let the last words, should something unforeseen happen, between you and your First be you telling him to go to hell. I could not not give you the chance to see the look of a friend on Mister Spock's face and not a look possibly akin to the look I last got from my friend. It's been eleven years but hardly a day goes by that I do not see his face and that look. You think it is bad now with that being the possibility, you have an idea of what the feeling is like to live each day with the reality. You best go see how he is doing and inform Lieutenant Sulu of the situation. It would be difficult to think of you without him on that ship."

"Thank you, Sir." Kirk all but ran through the station to get back to the medical facility.

When he got back to the door to the room Spock was in the officer held out his communicator without a word, "Kirk to Enterprise."

"Enterprise here. Go ahead , Sir."

"Sulu, you have the ship for five standard days. You take her out on that shake down. Millans has made it official." he paused for a moment and looked at the closed door, "I will keep you advised about Spock. Kirk out."

He handed the communicator back with a nod of thanks and went and sat on the bench. Words said to him years ago when his mother had taken him to an old Earth American Indian medicine woman before he took command of the Enterprise, _"You are blessed, James Tiberius Kirk, for you will find another who completes you, who is very different in many ways than you, yet who is closer to you than your own shadow, and who will understand you as though they share the one mind with you. You must always treat the other as you would have it treat you or you will lose it. Nothing can hurt as much as being the cause of the loss of such a one."_ Kirk shook his head, she could have said how much even the thought of losing such a one would hurt.

As Kirk sat waiting he realized Millan had given him a glimpse into why he had been almost pushy about him getting Spock back with him on the Enterprise. He wondered if the look Millan's friend had given him was anywhere near the hurt he had seen for perhaps a second on Spock's face before that Vulcan mask fell back into place. That flash of shock then deep pain quickly hidden.

Time meant nothing as he just sat there. Scotty had gone to the ablutions area twice and McCoy had come out once to try to get him to return to the ship but if where he was was as close as he could be to Spock then he was staying right there.

Shortly after Scotty's second trip to the ablution area McCoy came out and sat beside him, "He's still with us. You should go to the ship and get ready for the shake-down trip."

"Sulu's doing it. Millan's gave the okay. Spock may need me."

"Till that event on the bridge I** thought you needed each other**. If I had not been there I would not have believed the venom and hostility in your voice, Jim. I would have sworn it was not the James Kirk I knew. And how you just seemed to cut him off after that was not you but the damage had been done, Jim. We all saw it. We knew it was Utoga's influence but you were so wrapped up in that illusion we could not get you to see what you were doing. Only Spock kept diplomatically trying and finally in that one last desperate attempt to get you to see what was happening and how you reacted clearly shattered him. At the time you attacked him **he was very emotional**, he had those mental shields or whatever he uses to protect himself from human emotions down,** and you attacked him**, you got to his core. It was as though there was a massive almost total disconnect about him after you said to stay the hell out of your life. Now we would visit him in the brig but it was not the Spock we knew who would show some of his human side, who would use our names and not our official titles. Now we may get him back to a level of mental and physical fitness that he could be on a ship but we may not get our Spock back."

We may not get our Spock back. That look came back to him. The look that locked away the shock and deep pain. That total Vulcan, totally emotionless face.

An officer opened the door and looked at McCoy, "We need you now!"

"Has he asked,"

"Once or twice in very severe spasms he has started to call out your name. Has said 'Help me J' then an emphatic 'No'."

Almost automatically Kirk started to follow McCoy into the room feeling if Spock had wanted him he had to be there, but as soon as the door shut behind him he found himself pushed hard against it and Scotty glaring at him, "Ye'll nae hurt him again, Sir. He's of nae importance ta ye now. Ye told him so. I'll nae let ye hurt him again. I nae like being away from the lad but I'll nae let ye near him again unless McCoy tells me ta."

McCoy glared over at him, "Quiet you two. Scotty get back here and you, **stay there**."

Scotty walked back over and took Spock's hand, "I'm here laddie. Had to leave ye for a mite but am back now."

"Need, need Vul van heal er. Feel him. Hurts to."

"I will see about getting a Vulcan healer for you, Spock." McCoy looked over at him and Kirk knew the significance of a Vulcan healer. Spock wanted him removed from his mind.

"Thank you Mc Coy. Need him gone."

Need him gone. Need him gone. Kirk closed his eyes and shook his head then slowly left the room. One of the officers outside the door gripped his arm and helped him to the bench, "Are you alright, Sir?"

A part of him screamed out "_I've just driven my best friend away from me and back into a Vulcan hell and you wonder if I am alright!_" but he just nodded, "I will be, thanks."

He smelt the coffee before he saw the cup being held out to him, the officer who had loaned him the communicator looked at him, "You look like you could use it, Sir."

After the first sip he realized it helped, a little. He still heard, _We may not get our Spock back. Need him gone. Need him gone._ An anger he had not experienced before grew in him as he thought of what he had done. _You got to his core A massive almost total disconnect._ He shut his eyes only to see that look on Spock's face as his words made Spock's Vulcan side remove all emotion from that beloved face. Somewhere in him he again felt the sudden emptiness. That was it, until that moment he had not know exactly what that feeling had been but it was an emptiness, a feeling of loss he had not known before, like a major part of him was missing. He felt so alone and frightened. Millan had said, "_You have an idea of what the feeling is like to live each day with the reality._" and he was so afraid that he would have it for the rest of his life.

A part of his mind had been aware of movement around him but all he could think of was life without that important part of him, of what he had done. The grip of a hand on his arm pulling him jolted him back to the present reality as did the contained fury in McCoy's voice as he pulled him into a small room, "**You and I need to talk, NOW**."

* * *

**A/N** Between sessions so thought I would get this done and will see about another later. Enjoy


	11. Chapter 11

It was a small room, hardly anything in it, just a table and four matching chairs and a big window that let them see into the room Scotty, a crew member Kirk knew he had seen before, and Spock were in. Kirk only glanced in and then, turned his back to it, closed his eyes and bowed his head as the audio was on and he heard the guttural moans of his friend.

Two hands gripped him and turned him around, "**Oh no you don't**! **You don't get off that easily**. And before you say I don't understand, **I don't**. I don't understand how you could have done what you did to him. I don't understand how he could have done what he did to save the ship and who knows how many lives. And." blue eyes seemed to blaze into him, "heaven help me, I don't understand why I have not ended it for him when I have had the opportunities to do so. Now you can fly off and leave him but you will be without your Chief Engineer and your Chief Medical Officer as neither of us will turn our backs on him."

It was like a slap and Kirk opened his eyes and really looked at his friend and Chief Medical Officer, "I never,"

"**Never what?** You sent him away telling him to go to hell and never, never, went to see him. You can't even look at him now. If that is not turning your back on him I sure as hell don't know what is! In all the years I have known you I never, never thought you could be like that, like this. Makes the rest of us wonder if you could do that to him that you could do to us."

Kirk shook his head, shocked that McCoy could even think that, "Bones, I could never,"

"Did you think you could **ever** do to him what you did? **Ever?** Oh, I know of a few times when you have had to act totally indifferently towards him when the situation called for it on various planets and in front of different beings on the ship, **but Spock knew** that was part of what had to happen. This, this was intentional, personal, and, worse, you really meant it." Those blue eyes looked into him and Kirk knew he was right, "When you said that to him you really meant it and he knew you meant it, he felt you meant it."

Kirk briefly closed his eyes as the truth stung. at the time he had meant it but he had been under. No. He stopped himself. He had allowed himself to be influenced by Utoga but he had said the words and had, at the time meant them, he had felt like he had so much power and to be told no the way he had had inflamed him. He opened his eyes to find blue eyes looking at him, studying me, "He, he said he feels me and it hurts him to feel me. Mi gods, Bones, he, **he wants a Vulcan healer to remove me from his mind**."

"I know and I cannot get a Vulcan healer here for three weeks. He will be like that, in that mental anguish, for three weeks, and even the Vulcan healer said with his Human factors they may not be able to help him. If they can't help him there is a facility on Vulcan that will look after him."

_A facility on Vulcan that will look after him. A facility on Vulcan that will look after him_. "You, **you** would send him to a facility on Vulcan that will look after him?"

"Not my first choice but if I would be allowed to visit him and check up on him, yes. Sort of ironic, they might not be able to help him because of his Human factors and I can do no more for him because of his Vulcan factors. Even after all these years he can still surprise me with that unique physiology of his. I can take care of his physical injuries but with Vulcans you know the mind and body are far, far more linked than ours are and that's the problem."

"What, what do you mean by problem? Surely if you know the problem you can,"

"If the problem had just been the injuries from that explosion I would have been able to help him but he was mentally traumatized before that and that has compounded matters. At first I thought it was just me but the Vulcan healers said if he were not in total control of his emotions at the time of the accident then there would be complications and what we have is part of those complications." McCoy stood for a moment just looking through at Spock and Kirk could see a helplessness about his friend. "How am I going to do it, Jim? How can I let my friend suffer like that for three weeks, possibly for the rest of his life? I can hear him so often when he thought I was out of earshot telling others that I am the best doctor in not just Starfleet but the Federation, and I can't do a damned thing for him. **What the hell can I do for him**?"

_He was mentally traumatized._ McCoy did not have to say that was his doing as he knew it. That look on Spock's face haunted him. And now he saw the pain his other friend was in because of his actions.

"You know Scotty had the worst of it, don't you? He was there. He's been there from with him since he came out of the first surgery, not that they could do much but get him into a regen tank. He needs sleep but won't leave Spock. He's slept, well, dozed by him with his hand by his. Officer Kelly takes over when he needs the ablutions and brings him his meals and clean clothes. His upper arms are both very Almost all his life badly bruised but he won't let me treat him as the medication makes him drowsy."

Kirk closed his eyes as he realized the ripple effect of what he had done had spread further than he had thought. He did not want to think of what impact it could have, would have had on the rest of the crew, especially the bridge crew. He had seen it in the looks Chekov had given him and heard it in both Sulu's and Uhura's voices. That continuation of the feeling he had while on the bridge after sending Spock off, the way there was not that relaxed easy feeling on the bridge. The way the security officer had said about knowing he would take the ship over Spock.

He looked around the room and found a chair to sit on, put his hand on his knees, and his head in his hands. All that meant anything in his life was gone. He was aware of McCoy patting his shoulder and heard him say he had to go. Go. Gone. Going. Almost all his life he had known he would die alone but he had not thought he would die inside first as he felt he was doing. Losing the trust of the crew and camaraderie of the bridge crew was nothing to knowing what he had done to the being who was. Was. Was, he shook his head as he could hear that special being moaning with pain in the other room, pain he was largely, solely responsibly for.

From deep inside him it came, all the fear mixed with the sorrow and regret, all the self-blame and the need for forgiveness, first with him just moving his hands to cover his nose and mouth in a vain attempt to stop the tears and silence the words. He found he had to lean against the table for support and put his elbows on the table so he could further bury his face in his hands as he tried to control the pain, the anger, the blame, and the helpless that warred within him. Fleetingly he fought it, felt his whole body shaking, and then finally yielded, letting it come out in sobs as he kept saying, "I'm so sorry, Spock, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it, I didn't mean it. Please forgive me. I'm so sorry, Spock, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it, I didn't mean it. **Please forgive me**."


	12. Chapter 12

An anguished and emotion-filled "_I'm so sorry, Spock, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it, I didn't mean it. Please forgive me._" slammed through his shielding and even his own pain. Jim. Jim was in pain. Pain he had caused him by leaving him to that thing from the Galvainian delegation. Jim did not have the Vulcan mind skills to stop. **No.** Jim had meant it. He had seen that Jim meant what he said, it had been clean in his stance, in his voice, on his face, and in his words and how he had said them. From his hand came a sensation of amity and friendship. He felt the reassurance he had felt from the start emanating from the hand holding his own, he also felt exhaustion, great exhaustion. Slowly he opened his eyes and saw what he had seen every time he had opened his eyes, Montgomery Scott looking down at him and smiling.

"We had hoped ye would sleep through this part, laddie. Tis going to hurt agin like it did afore. Ye just grip both ma hands like ye did then. McCoy splinted the one hand but tis nae bother."

Doctor McCoy came into view and smiled at him, "Spock, a Vulcan healer will be here in three weeks. I am so sorry but it is the best I can do." then he took his hand from Mister Scott and looked at him. "I am going to have to hurt you. I saw on the notes that this caused you great distress the first time it was done but I have to do a check on your back and rotation and I apologize for the agony it will cause you. I will be as gentle and as quick as I can. You just scream if you need to and grip Scotty's hands. It most likely will be worse than last time as you have had a few very bad spasms. Ready?"

While he was aware that his ability to control his pain was not as strong as he wanted Spock prepared himself for even more pain and concentrated on trying to block out the pain and the feelings of deep regret and self-anger he felt flowing from McCoy as he slowly started to roll him onto his right side and Mister Scott again lightly held his hands. "_I'm so sorry, Spock, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it, I didn't mean it. Please forgive me._" again assaulted his mind and joined the physical pain of his body and it was beyond his control.

He heard Scott say, "Let it out, laddie, let it out. I've got ye. I'm right here. Let it out." and unhesitatingly gripped the hands that had been in his as the pain increased.

_Stay the hell out of my life. Spock, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it_. His mind was in total turmoil as tried to fight the pain while hearing Jim's words. He tried reciting that there was no pain but it could not be denied. **There was pain**. He could no longer isolate the two pains he felt, the physical and the, the emotional. There is no pain. Jim meant it._ Stay the hell out of my life. Spock, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it._ The pain.

Pain finally compelled him to do what he fought against doing, with his eyes tightly shut as though it would bock off the pain, he screamed out mentally and physically out to that one being who mattered most, "**Jim! Help! Help me!**" and immediately regretted it and quickly said, "**No! No!. Jim, no!**". There was McCoy 's raised voice and then two hands gripped his shoulders and that voice saying his name and saying "I'm here."

Aware of the conflicts going on within himself Spock opened his eyes and saw that face, those eyes, _Stay the hell out of my life. I didn't mean it, I don't want to ever see you or hear from you again. Spock, I'm so sorry. You can go to hell_. All the conflicts seemed to merge into one whirling cauldron and he felt himself being pulled into the vortex of the swirling emotions and thoughts and seemed to be being pulled out of his mind. He saw horror and shock in the eyes looking at him and closed his own against it as he accepted what it was. He opened his eyes one last time and saw the hazel eyes still looking at him, into him, and said, "This , this is hell. Pain. I am in hell." he closed his eyes and as he yielded to the warring pain factors within him he said, "Jim."

"**Jim! Help! Help me!**"slammed onto his mind from the speakers shattering his thoughts of what he had done and he was at the door when he heard, "**No! No!. Jim, no!**" but ignored it. Spock had called out for his help.

Three people tried to stop him from getting to Spock, he heard both Scotty and McCoy yell for him to stop as he pushed them both aside as he had to get to Spock. The look of total horror and fear on Spock's face chilled Kirk. What totally stilled him was when Spock said, "This, this is hell. Pain. I am in hell." He felt a hypo push into his arm as he heard Spock sigh "Jim." then nothing.

Jim Kirk's first thought when he woke was of feeling safe in familiar surroundings, then, when he looked around, he realized he was on his bed in his quarters on the Enterprise and Admiral Millan was sitting at his desk watching him. "Doctor McCoy told me you would be out for a few hours and he was not wrong. And before you ask both he and I agree that this was the best place for you. You are more or less under a form of house arrest by which I mean you are to remain on the Enterprise till further ordered to leave the ship. Mister Sulu will be acting Captain for the shake-down trip after which time you will have your orders and new mission. In order for me to facilitate the upcoming transitions I have extended the shake-down trip to eight days. "

"I, I can't go. I thought we had," he started as he slowly sat up and looked at the Admiral but Millan shook his head. "You said,"

"I know what I said, Kirk. I said that I could not not give you the chance to see the look of a friend on Mister Spock's face and not a look possibly akin to the last look I last got from my friend. I gave you that chance but you totally destroyed not only it but also your former First Officer with your actions."

_Former First Officer_. He remembered hearing Spock call for him. hearing him also say no and then charging into that room and seeing the look on Spock's face, of hearing him say he was in hell. "What, what do you mean former First Officer?"

"I better let Doctor McCoy explain." Mallin turned to the computer, "You there, Doctor McCoy?"

"Right here, Sir."

"Could you please advise Captain Kirk of the situation? If you want to turn your video on it,"

"No disrespect to you, Sir, but right now **I do not want to see Captain Kirk. I do not what to even hear him**. He was warned that Mister Spock was physically and mentally traumatized and well verbally and physically tried to stop him getting to Mister Spock when Mister Spock called his name in a state of delirium. Apparently Mister Spock recognized Captain Kirk, would have known he was leaning over him and still being in a heightened state of confusion apparently believed he was in the hell that Captain Kirk had told him to go to. It is fourteen hours since the incident and Mister Spock is still in a state of extremely deep shock, disassociation, and is in full restraints. I will give you a few minutes of visual and audio so that Captain Kirk can see that Mister Spock has obeyed his order to go to hell."

McCoy did a slow pan of the bed Spock was on and Kirk saw the restraints holding not only his arms and legs still and his body strapped down but also the strapping holding his head still. He heard the repeated almost pleading, "No, no, no." He also noted how he was still gripping Scotty's hand. Although he would have known McCoy was showing what was happening Scotty never looked away from Spock and Kirk knew it was not only to keep an eye on Spock but also not to acknowledge him.

"Thank you, Doctor, McCoy. What was your recommendation?"

"My recommendation was based on what is** best for my patient** and was that you order Captain Kirk to return to the Enterprise, that he allow Mister Sulu to be acting Captain for the shake-down trip, that on return he be banned from the Medical Facility and have no contact with myself or Mister Scott until we make direct contact with him, and that Mister Scott and I be given leave to take care of Mister Spock."

Although Kirk wanted to speak he knew from the look Millan gave him not to say a word. It was clear from how McCoy refused to have any visual contact that he was still seething over what he had done. Although he did not want to acknowledge it he knew that he was the reason Spock was in the state he was in. He had not trusted him on the ship, he had been so easily swayed by Utoga's way of making him feel how it had felt to be a Captain the first time. Spock was in a version of hell and he was losing McCoy and Scotty. The ripple effect had intensified.

Millan looked at Kirk, "As you know, Doctor McCoy, I have agreed with your recommendation and have notified Command." Kirk felt like his world had stopped as he looked at Millan, "I will be advising Captain Kirk that he is to remain on the Enterprise and allow Mister Sulu to be acting captain for the shake down period and that he is not to contact yourself or Mister Scott, I have notified security on the base that Captain Kirk is not to enter the Medical Facility, and Mister Scott and yourself have up to seventy-eight days to see Mister Spock is taken care of. I believe you mentioned a Vulcan facility."

"Yes, I was in contact with a Vulcan healer about the latest developments and it is thought that **he will have to go to Vulcan to a special facility**. Now normally I would fight against such a move but I, I have to think of my patient. If they can guarantee me, and I see for myself, that they can give him more peace then I will sign him over to their care. To me it would be hell but Mister Spock is in a hell we cannot imagine and if they can help him I will do it. I will notify you, Admiral, of any changes. McCoy out.".

For a few minutes there was silence as Kirk just looked at Millan as all that had been said slowly registered with him. He had lost not only Spock but Bones and Scotty as well. He had heard it in McCoy's voice whenever he said Captain Kirk, seen it in how Scotty had not looked up. _Captain Kirk can see that Mister Spock has obeyed his order to go to hell. Mister Spock is in a hell we cannot imagine._ The crew, he had admitted to himself long ago, looked at them for guidance and not him. Oh, the crew respected him and obeyed him but those three. There was something about those three such very different men, different personalities.

Millan finally said, "You heard all that. Any questions?"

Know that the multiplying questions he had were ones he alone had to answer later Kirk shook is head. "No, no questions, Sir."

"I know it seems unfair, Kirk, but after your actions it was **the only thing we could do** without taking more drastic action. I have spoken with your bridge crew and they are aware not of the details but of the fact that a new First Officer will have to be found and that in all likelihood it will be a member of the senior crew of the Enterprise. During the shake-down trip I expect you to seriously look at your crew and decide which officer you will have as your new First Officer and who will take their place. It will be difficult to do but it is essential we have a team that works well out there and it is often best if the Captain and First Officer know how the other works under pressure."

Kirk saw it as he looked at the man, a deep pain about his eyes as though remembering a time. His First Officer. "May I ask a rather personal question, Sir?"

Millan looked at him, "About my First?"

"Yes. How, how did you deal with it?"


	13. Chapter 13

Millan gave a sad laugh, "**Did**? Don't you mean do? It hasn't gone away, Kirk. I doubt if it will ever go away. I deal with it **every day**. I see his face **every day**. That look. I see it when I least expect to. Two years after the incident I took a few months off believing that a long break would help. It didn't. Counseling did not help. Visiting his family didn't help even though they were forgiving and understanding I still saw his face and that look. I never know where or when in the day I will see it but **it is always there**, Kirk. It is always there. So many emotions on it I am not sure what he was thinking but I knew I had really hurt him. I will tell you this, walking about this ship you will have memories of being with your former First, at the strangest of times you will find it difficult to walk by his quarters, to sit at a table where you used to play cards or just talk, to work out with a new partner in the gym, but the worst is on the bridge." momentarily Millan closed his eyes then looked back at him, "when you turn to pass a comment or ask a question and there is a stranger there and not him. Even when I was given a new ship I still saw his face. I had hoped to spare you this living nightmare." Millan stood, "I will expect your report and debriefing in nine days. Remember that **for the next eight days Mister Sulu is the Captain** and **not you**, unless there are any unforeseen hostile events. You may move about the ship but cannot give orders, again unless there are any unforseen hostile events. You just think things over, Kirk. I will see myself off. Good luck."

Thinking was not what Kirk wanted to do. He wanted to make everything right, find a way back to how it was, how it should be. No, how it was meant to be. There had to be something he could do. He heard a mocking laugh in his mind, "_Haven't you done enough?_"

He knew he was going to have to leave his quarters and go about the ship but wondered what he would find. The fact that Millan had not told of the specifics meant none of the crew knew he had, had gone against McCoy's orders. McCoy and Scotty had both tried to stop him, they had both seen him sentence his friend to a living hell. While Millan might not have heard it Kirk had heard all the emotions in "_he will have to go to Vulcan to a special facility_" and all those emotions conveyed. He sat for a moment then knew he had to go out and face whatever remaining on his ship was going to be like, he would go get a coffee in the main rec room.

.

When Leonard McCoy turned off the communications he looked back at his patient and saw how Scotty was still holding his hand. The exhaustion radiating from the Chief Engineer was almost palpable but he refused to leave or let go of the hand that held his. According to the medical staff when he first arrived from the Enterprise they told him Scotty had been with him from the moment he was out of surgery and would not leave him. A shiver went through him as he thought how Spock had been when he arrived and realized he had been worse and Scotty had been there. Looking at Spock's medical record since the accident was terrifying as they had no idea how to treat a Vulcan/Human and Scotty had been able to help a bit. It was amazing what Scotty had been able to do, how he had helped Spock communicate. What was not on the records was how emotionally distraught Spock had been after how Jim Kirk had treated him. Only those who knew what to look for would have known how deeply Kirk's outburst had hurt the supposedly emotionless Vulcan. Add to that emotional trauma the physical trauma of the explosion and there was a long way to go to get Spock to even a basic level of physical ability. There had been no way to know, exactly, how mentally or emotionally damaged Spock had been then but it was clearly obvious now that he was totally emotionally shattered and possibly had too shattered by Kirk's actions to even acknowledge how deep into a state of total mental and physical shock he was slipping. He had seen how Jim Kirk had been totally horrified with what his actions had done to this being he had for so long called his other half. He had seen how much pain he was in and had told him that Spock was too shattered to deal with his own emotionalism without adding his. He had explained how at war Spock's two sides were and that he needed time and that, even that had not been enough to stop Kirk from acting as he had. How stupid he had been to think that Kirk would not react to hearing Spock call out but had believed that Kirk would have stopped when Spock also said No.

He had been on the bridge when Kirk had had his outburst and told Spock to go to hell and to stay the hell out of his life and when Kirk had charged past the two guards then him and Scotty and got to Spock they had all seen a glimpse of the hell Spock was in. They had seen how Kirk coming in like that had pushed Spock further into that hell. Pushed him so far into it there was little possibility of getting him back. He had been in touch with a Vulcan healer before about what to do and the healer was on the way but still three weeks away and now, after he had informed the healer of Kirk's actions and Spock's reaction, the healer had said that a facility on Vulcan would take care of him as he had closed his mind to all stimuli but that needed to exist. Exist, not live. In time he might find a way to forgive Jim Kirk for what he had done but for at least a few days, maybe even weeks, he wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. He had to think of Spock and, as he looked over at the bed, of Scotty.

He was thankful that Millan had not told the others the full extent of what happened but had told them that a new First Officer would have to be found. There was no doubt in his mind that those three would find out the truth and when they did the bridge would be missing other good people as he could not imagine them wanting to be around Kirk, not after the expressions on their faces that day. Perhaps Kirk had not seen it but the three of them and Scotty had started to move but Spock had just moved his right hand slightly and they had stilled. That was what had made them such a team, they understood one another so well that such a slight movement could say so much.

As he watched Scotty lightly wiped Spock's face and kept talking to him. He'd heard him tell Spock that if he did not go back to the ship then he would not go back to it as it was where they both belonged and that it would not be a home without him. How sure he had been that had he not given Jim the hypo and knocked him right out that Scotty would have killed him to stop him. Never before had he seen such hatred on the man's face.

He walked back to the desk and again reread all the notes he had and tried to finding something, anything they had not tried. There had to be something that could reach into that wonderful mind.

.

Montgonery Scott felt the murderous rage slowly abating in him. He knew that usually Mister Spock could sense the emotions of others through touch and he did not want his friend to feel what he was feeling. He had witnessed on the bridge what that Captain Kirk had done to this man who he had so often proclaimed to be closer than a brother to him. He had been ready then to attack Kirk but those long fingers had raised very slightly and he had stopped. As usual this gentle man had thought of him and the others who had also shown they wanted to take action. Just the slightest of moves from this tall thin man had stopped the four of them.

His bairns had not been right and only Mister Spock seemed to also know that something was amiss although he'd not seen him down in Engineering nor over at the Engineering station on the bridge. He had insisted in staying behind and, without telling Kirk, had got Mister Spock and two of the Base's finest engineers with two of the lads from the Enterprise to help him check the ship. It had not taken them long to find the problem.

Whoever had set up the bomb had known where to place it for maximum result. It would have turned the whole ship into a bomb. His ship. There were wires and light links as traps. They had removed a few minor explosives but there was the main trigger. There was no way to stop it. It had been set so that that Utoga and his mates could get clear and not be suspected. It was on the final countdown. Mister Spock had all but shoved him then the others out of the compartment and secured the door. Through the one small window he had seen Mister Spock reach in and pull on something, there was a sudden shuddering of the area and then there was green blood on the window. It had taken four of their security men to hold him back when others went in and he had seen a twisted body on the floor and was helpless to move. They carried Mister Spock by him as they rushed to the medical facility and had held onto him till he calmed and walked to the medical facility. He was told he had to go give a report but the officer had finally come to him as he was not about to leave Mister Spock. The two lads from the Enterprise who were with them had stayed with him and Mister Spock, taking turns being with them, bringing him food and holding Miser Spock's hand so he could shower and change and twice have a drink to steady himself.

He had been against McCoy letting Captain Kirk see Mister Spock the first time after what he'd done to him on the bridge. Now he knew that so many believed Vulcan have no feelings but Mister Spock had more feelings than many Humans he knew. He cared almost too much about others, especially the crew and in particular that Captain. Even a blind man could have sensed how deeply troubled Mister Spock was and it had taken the two of them over eighteen days to work out how to communicate and then McCoy lets that Captain in and Mister Spock got more agitated. Mister Spock had waned to give his report. In all that pain he was still thinking of duty. Anybody with a fifteenth of a brain could tell that Miser Spock did not need to see or hear from that Captain. Perhaps McCoy thought it would help but it had no real impact apart from causing him to have another attack or spasm, as McCoy called them.

The first time he had had the spasms he had told Miser Spock to grip his hand or his arm and he had four broken fingers and badly bruised upper arms as a result. They would hold onto one another with each spasm and then Mister Spock wanted to ask for forgiveness. He soon put him to rights about that as he had offered knowing full well the Vulcan would not be able to control his strength.

Then that Captain comes charging in like he was going to save the day when Mister Spock had a spell of delirium and called out for him then told him NO. Charges in past two security men and even got away from him and McCoy only to further traumatize Mister Spock by leaning over him and touching him. Being in that state and touching a Vulcan in the state Mister Spock was in showed he was doing it for himself and not for Mister Spock. Whatever he was feeling Mister Spock was feeling who knows how many million times worse and yet Captain Wonder thought he could just come in and all would be well. If McCoy had not drugged him he would have seriously harmed him, possibly killed him. He would have if he had not known Mister Spock needed just a hand to grip, to hold onto. He had heard Miser Spock say he was in hell but he'd be damned if he was going to let him go alone. Maybe, just maybe if he held on long enough, if he kept talking to him and he could feel he was needed, that he was loved, just maybe he would fight back again. There had to be a way to reach into that the pit and pull him back.

A smile momentarily touched his lips as he thought how the three would react when they figured out why a new First Officer would be joining them. They were smart enough to work it out and he would not like to be in that Captain's place when they did figure that he had done another action that compounded the first and what it had caused. Aye, now that would be something to see as Lieutenant Uhura had special feelings for Mister Spock and would be the one to tell him exactly where he could go. He could not speak for the others but if Mister Spock had to go to a special Vulcan facility he could not, no, he would not go back to the Enterprise if that Captain were the captain. A faint movement of the fingers holding his hand made him look down. Mister Spock still had his eyes tightly closed but it was a distinct grip unlike the others. He just had to get him to hold on, "Aye laddie, now I gotta tell ye about a trip I made to Old Earth Scotland, to the area of my ancestors."

.

In a corner of the main rec room Lieutenant Uhura, Sulu, and Chekov sat at a table and for some time each was quiet. There were other people in also having conversations and a break although there was not much that needed doing till they were actually on the trip as all the engineering crew had checked and triple checked everything. Uhura set down her coffee cup and said, "I don't know about you two but **I will find out** just what happened to Mister Spock. Millan said it was due to Mister Spock being unable to return that we are to get a new First Officer. I want to know what complications. Maybe there are some modifications we can make so that he can come back."

"The Keptin could tell us as he was there. Mister Spock was improving. Maybe they mean a new First Officer till Mister Spock returns. It may take time as he was badly injured but Doctor McCoy seemed hopeful."

Sulu just sat looking at his tea for a few minutes then looked at his two friends, "We all knew Captain Kirk was being influenced by Utoga but only Mister Spock stood up to him. We were all treated with disrespect while he was under that influence and Mister Spock stood up for us. After how he treated Mister Spock, after what and how he said what he did to him, I can not, will not, be a First Officer to him. I will serve as acting Captain during the shake-down but I will not be a First Officer to him."

Chekov looked at both of his friends, "You do not think the Keptin did anything, do you? He wanted to be in with Mister Spock by Doctor McCoy told him not yet."

They were aware that the room had gone suddenly quiet and looked around to see Captain Kirk walk in, and pause.


	14. Chapter 14

The stillness in the room told him all he needed to know. While the crew did not know what had happened in the room in the medical center they had seen or heard about what had happened on the bridge and were wary. As Bones had pointed out to him they would be wondering who would be next. In all the years on the Enterprise he had never felt like he did, feared by his own crew. Some were looking at him with sympathy but most were looking at him as though he were somebody to watch and be cautious around.

"Captain Kirk, care to join us?" Sulu had stood and looked at him. While it had not been his usual relaxed voice Kirk nodded, at least somebody was talking to him. He got his coffee and walked over to the table, noticing how Uhura and Chekov were watching him.

"Rather than having to deal with that Yates as First Officer I am having Patterson from Engineering there and instead of that Lane as Science Officer I am having Wytalski from the Physics Section of the Science Department. I'd seen Mister Spock helping them when they wanted to do more, learn more and thought it best to carry on with their advancement as they know the ship and the crew and are the best in their areas. When we return I will see Mister Spock and I feel sure he will be pleased to know that they have had the experience and I will tell him of my assessment of their performance."

Uhura had smiled, "You forgetting we still have to have Yates and Lane on the bridge? Both Patterson and Wytalski are not familiar with the duties."

"Patterson is good choice but Wytalski, **are you crazy**? Wytalski only knows Physics, nothing else. Nothing else in the sciences."

"I had to think what would best serve the ship as well as the personnel. They know the ship and the crew and they need to learn, to be prepared. They have shown they are keen to learn and take on more and more responsibility. I have seen how Mister Spock used to test and push them and wanted to keep that pressure on them."

Uhura gave a little laugh, "Oh, sorry. I just was picturing Yates and Patterson having a debate about anything. Patterson would have him reaching for a multi-lingual lexicon in record time." she looked at him and Kirk saw acceptance on her face, "I know that you know of the times he and Mister Spock used to have a verbal contest on the bridge and how much Patterson's confidence and vocabulary improved as well as his general knowledge."

Kirk smiled back and nodded, "And when they would make it a specialized and limited contest."

"Like the time it was drinks and Patterson said Zythum and Mister Spock said 'Very good, now what went in to making that drink?' and when Patterson said he did not know and was ready for Mister Spock to lecture him Mister Spock just said 'Surely if one knows of the drink one knows what is in it but as it is a beer from old Earth antiquity I will accept you would not know." Chekov was silent for a moment then looked at him, "The new First Officer will only be till Mister Spock is back to full fitness, right? He was improving."

"He, he suffered a major set-back." he was aware of all three looking at him and each with the same question about their face "Doctor McCoy said that Mister Spock was physically and mentally traumatized to such a degree that he will need to go to Vulcan."

"But **he will** come back from Wulcan, **won't he**?" Kirk knew that Chekov had seen Spock had improved slightly when they arrived, had seen him alert and aware before returning to the ship. He knew nothing about what he had done.

"Doctor McCoy has a Vulcan healer arriving in three weeks to evaluate Spock's status and it is likely he will have to go to Vulcan to get proper treatment." Kirk looked into his almost empty coffee cup and hoped that that was enough as he did not want them to know what he had done. McCoy had obviously said nothing despite being in contact with the ship and neither had Scotty and Millan only said that a new First Officer would have to be appointed and not given them specifics.

"But he will." Chekov stopped and Kirk was aware of how the three of them were looking at him. They were all shaking their heads not wanting to believe what Kirk was not saying.

"Although Doctor McCoy has not said so directly to me I," he paused for a moment knowing he had to say it, "I understand that Mister Spock will not be returning to the Enterprise but will be going to a facility on Vulcan. If, if you will excuse me."

Back in the shelter of his quarters Kirk tried to calm himself. He had almost broken down in front of the crew. He had told them what they needed to know. For a moment he closed his eyes only to see Spock's face with the pain, horror, shock ,and fear all over it. He could hear Spock's and McCoy's voices. This, this is hell. Pain. I am in hell. He will have to go to Vulcan to a special facility _Jim! Help! Help me! _

**Help**, that was it. Kirk opened his eyes, that was it. He had to help. He was on the ship, had the computers, he would find a way to help. There had to be some sort of treatment Spock could have in Starfleet. There had to be a way to keep him away from Vulcan. If he went to Vulcan he would never see him again. _I don't want to ever see you or hear from you again_.

No. **He would find a way**. If there was a way he would find it. While Sulu took care of the ship he would find the way to keep Spock with them, with him.

The way Kirk had suddenly left them had left the three senior officers slightly bewildered and yet they fully understood. They had seen how he had reacted when they had been notified that Spock had been severely injured and that Utoga had been behind it all, they had seen how the reality of what he had done struck him harder and deeper than anything physical could. Now, if Spock were to have to go to Vulcan there was every likelihood that Kirk would not see him again and they had seen how much Kirk had relied on Spock over the years, how often it was as though they share the same mind. As they looked at each other they saw the other had the same though, if Spock were to leave then something in Kirk would die, he would never be the same man again.

"We must try **something**. We have six days, right?" Uhura looked at the others, "I do not know about you two but I am not willing to just let Mister Spock go without a fight. I also still **will find out just what happened**, why he had such a sudden change as you," she looked at Chekov, "said he was slowly improving."

"That is what Doctor McCoy said. That he was wery slowly getting better, he was responding and understood. Something bad had to have happened." Chekov kept looking at her then at Sulu and nodded, "We will find out but first we find a way to help him. It is not the same without him."

"We also do not know what sort of a set-back it is nor how bad," Sulu looked at his two friends, "We should think of both physical and mental shock. I know one of my ancestors specialized in the medicines of different teas. I will go find out what I can on that. See you two on the bridge."

As the three walked from the rec room they were aware of the others watching them but they also knew they had not only the ship to take care of but a shattered Captain to keep a eye on and a friend who needed them to come up with a way of helping him get back to them, even if it was to be a very Human way.

As he sat in the Comm Sulu thought of what lay ahead as he had eight days as Captain and knew that Captain Kirk would be watching him. He wanted to believe the man was so under Utoga's influence but was waiting for more information from Command about their findings before he would again feel comfortable about the man. Should it come back that no other senior officer had been able to resist Utoga's influence and had also caused serious rifts with their crew he would stay on the ship but would not even consider being the First Officer. He had seen how very different Kirk had been with Utoga, how he treated the crew, and he would have bet his life that there was nothing that could ever make Kirk treat Spock the way he had. While there was every likelihood Spock would not be back he was not ready to accept that possibility, Uhura was right, they had to try something. They had eight days.

As he walked back to the bridge Chekov was trying to remember what his grandmother had said about great-great-great grandmother Toropov who saved many soldiers in the war on Old Earth in the 1940's who had what was called shell-shock. He would just have to think more about what she had said. In eight days he had time to contact a few cousins he still had some contact with who might know.

Uhura sat at her station but her mind was far away. She was a child sitting on her great-aunt's lap listening to her tell tales of the old ways. There was some woman in the long past who was a hand healer who had passed on the old ways and her great-aunt had said that one day she would show her it all but she just had to know that the foot supports the body and to always look after her feet. She had also said about points in the body where you only need some pressure to heal. On her computer she had a file, a file she had the odd things she had been told. Maybe, if she read through them there might be something. No, not maybe, there had to be something, something they could use, something they could do.

Almost as one they turned and looked at one another, while the bridge felt different they knew they had a challenge they could not afford to fail at. They had eight days to check that there was no serious damage to the ship and to find a way of getting him back on the bridge with them. Patterson and Wytalski would be good to have on the bridge, interesting to watch and encourage, especially with Yates and Lane also being on the bridge, but they only wanted that one special being there either just to the right of the Comm or at the Science Station. There was a moment as they were looking at each other that the one thought seemed to be reflected on their faces, they had to do it and Spock had to hold on long enough for them to get to him. They gave one nod then turned back to their appointed tasks on the bridge knowing they had eight days to find what was needed and get it to Doctor McCoy.

For a moment Montgomery Scott sat totally still. It had been twelve hours since the Enterprise left for its shake-down trip. McCoy had checked on Spock and gone back to his computer saying there was no change. It had been grand to hear that as at least Mister Spock had not declined and he had been thinking how he would have liked a wee nip to celebrate when he felt it. As he had done so many times before he gave the hand in his a squeeze as she muttered, "Aye laddie, a wee nip ta celebrate would be grand." Then it happened. There had again been that slight movement of fingers in his hand. It was slight but it was, he was sure, in response to what he said. He did not know if he should tell McCoy or wait as McCoy was deep in thought at his computer. He would wait, wait till he could prove it was an intentional movement by his friend. The doctor might tell him it was just a reaction and might be right in a medical way but he knew, **he just knew**, it was an indication that **Spock was still with him**, **still holding on**.

* * *

A/N Thanks to those still reading and hanging in there. May get back after the long weekend or later next week. Have fun. ENJOY.


	15. Chapter 15

Seven days ago Kirk had been able to, using the exercises Spock had taught him over the years, to relax his mind and body. To again center himself on the one idea, the one task. He thought what had been at the center of so many of those sessions, thinking of a fishing net. So many different ideas, strands of thoughts, that needed to be linked to form something useful. As children we are taught to think along such lines but you may prefer to write them down, even some Vulcans find the tactile act of physically writing their thoughts down assist with discovering more ways and ideas. As they neared the end of their eight day shakedown trip he looked at the accumulation of what he had found and wondered how the others would feel about helping him correlate them as the answer had to be there, somewhere.

They had had no word from either Scotty nor McCoy and the few times Millan had contacted them there had only been the same statement, that Spock was still under McCoy's care. The five times that he had been on the bridge when the message from Millan came through he saw the relief on the faces of Uhura, Sulu, and Chekov. There was no mention of how he was only that he was still under McCoy's care. He had been, as per Millan's orders, been observing the actions of his senior crew and could see merit with any of them being a First Officer. A First Officer but not his as he only wanted the one he had destroyed.

He had, as Millan had said, kept seeing that last look he had seen on Spock's face alternating with the look he had had on the bridge when he walked away at the most unusual times. Each time it had been like a knife had cut another nerve. When he had gone to the bridge he had almost instinctively looked at the Science Station and felt like a part of himself was missing. Millan had said it did not go away.

He had seen two occasions that proved Uhura's assumption about Yates and Patterson having a debate: he smiled to himself as Yates stood no chance and was clearly struggling to control himself while Patterson was relaxed. All those debates with Spock clearly showing as Spock had helped Patterson realize that as long as he remained in control of his emotions and mind he would win. Over the years he had seen Spock help so many others, especially him, learn to rely more on the mind than the body. And he had seen over those years how Spock had learned that there are times when the body rules the mind. No matter how many times he read the report of the incident he realized that Spock must have known to do what he did to save the ship and others was not logical and was a physical action he need not have taken as there was only one outcome. What Spock had done was something the Vulcan and Human halves in him and made him do, it was both logical and emotional. Kirk nodded, he would have to ask Spock which was the more dominant at the time he pulled the cables.

He stopped himself. That was what the others were like as well, there was no talk of Spock not being fine. While it was obvious that there was that possibility and the others knew it they only talked of a future with Spock there.

It was hard not to smile when he remembered how, two days into the shake-down, Sulu had reacted when Yates had asked him how he would like to be the First Officer. Sulu had stood up from the Comm, turned slightly and looked at Yates for a few seconds as though he were something at the bottom of a sludge pond. "**There is only one First Officer of this ship and that officer is currently undergoing medical treatment**. That First Officer is almost as important to this ship as is Captain Kirk. I do not mind being acting Captain of the ship, I do not mind assisting Mister Spock, but **I will not be the First Officer of this ship**. I do not know of any crew member of this ship who would want the position as we know we could never measure up to even a third of the high standards Mister Spock had and brought to the role, to the expectations now of not only Captain Kirk but also Starfleet and the Federation. Together they set a benchmark others struggle to match and that both Starfleet and the Federation are now expecting not just from the Enterprise but other starships as well. There is no known way you could ever measure up to even a thirtieth of the set standards for this ship." It was only when Sulu had turned to go back to the Comm that Kirk realized he had not seen him on the bridge as he stopped, "**Sir, I will not be the First Officer of this ship.**" Kirk nodded as he had understood what Sulu meant.

Now, with a day before their return, he had gone again to the bridge as Uhura had asked him to meet with them there. He did not look at the Science Station but went and stood by the Comm where McCoy usually stood, "You wanted to see me?"

Sulu had nodded and stood, "Patterson, take the Comm. I will be back in ten minutes. If needed I will be in Briefing Room One. Lieutenant Uhua and Mister Chekov, with me."

In the briefing room he looked at the three as they looked at him then Uhura said, "We, well **I**, contacted Doctor McCoy as the three of us have come up with ways to help Mister Spock that are slightly old fashioned and have not been tried."

"Spock's still," Kirk felt hope building in him yet also fear that Spock may be dead. A part of him was sure McCoy would have told him if he did not sense it but then another part of him remembered how McCoy was before. .

"Doctor McCoy said there was no change worth mentioning and that we could try our ideas. He also made the suggestion that we," Kirk saw her look at the others as though not sure if she should say what she had started to.

Both Chekov and Sulu looked at each other and then nodded.

Looking right at him, seeming to look into him, Uhura continued, "He suggested that we might consider taking them, the three of them, out and rendevous with the Vulcan ship. It would get Mister Spock to a Vulcan healer sooner and," she closed her eyes and bit her bottom lip then looked back at him, "To Vulcan sooner it that is where he has to go."

If that is where he has to go. **No!** No, he would not allow them to take Spock to Vulcan. And yet it would save time. They could save a week. One less week of pain for Spock. He looked at Sulu who met his look, "I advised Admiral Millan that we would be arriving twelve hours earlier and would be leaving almost immediately with Mister Spock, Mister Scott, and Doctor McCoy and would rendezvous with the Vulcan ship and he agreed."

For a moment anger flared in him at Sulu doing what he had done but then he remembered he was not the Captain on this trip and, if he had been Sulu, he would also have taken the opportunity to do what he did. Have everything ready for what was going to happen anyway, just being more in control of the situation.

"You mentioned that you all had come up with ways to help Mister Spock and that Doctor McCoy had agreed to you trying them. Have they been,"

"They are all old-fashioned ways used in our families, Sir. Doctor McCoy says he is willing to try anything at this stage."

"I've found a lot of information from all over that might be applicable to helping him but it is all mixed," Kirk started.

"I will help when I am off duty," Sulu said.

"As will I," Chekov added.

"Just let me know what I can do." Uhura smiled at him. "We're doing it for you and him."

Kirk closed his eyes as he accepted that they still believed in him, trusted him, then he looked at them one at a time, "I must apologize to you three especially and the crew as a whole for how I acted. It was like I was not me but,"

"You were Utoga's puppet, Sir. We did some checking on the others he had such an impact on and you were not the worst. Mister Spock realized it before we did and he tried to tell you but you were entranced and over-reacted when he tried to stop you doing what Utoga wanted to when it came to increasing to warp eight. He will understand why you reacted as you did. I, I told Doctor McCoy what we had found out about him and he may have calmed down but he still seemed really mad at you for some reason."

"I think I know why that is but it is personal."

"That's fine, Sir." Sulu stood, "I think I better get back to the bridge and confirm our arrival time and see that Yates and Patterson play nice. Patterson is fine but Yates is, is,"

"A big waster of oxygen. Keptin, he talks way too much on nothing then Patterson says one or two words and he goes quiet. Words I heard him use with Mister Spock."

That was another thing Kirk knew Spock could so easily do, use one or two words to silence almost anybody. Sometimes he could silence a room with a look and at other times with just a word or two.

"What about us meeting here after shift and help you sort through what you have, Sir." Sulu looked at him. "Shouldn't take us all that long if we all work on it."

"Agreed and once again thank," Kirk started.

"I'll bring some coffee and some snacks." The look he got from Uhura let him know that they had understood and knew hot hurt he was. "We should have it done before we are due on shift again."

Doctor McCoy had not been surprised when he had a message from Lieutenant Uhura to find out how Spock was doing. While all the instruments and tests showed not change he believed Scotty when he said that there were slight improvements. At first he had thought it was wishful thinking but he had seen how Spock would move his fingers in an attempt to grip his hand when Scotty made different statements. They were very slight movements but they were deliberate, he had not doubt about that. They just had no way of reaching into that mind. The body was slowly healing thanks to both Spock's own efforts and his administrations but that marvelous mind was waging wars on many fronts, not just the usual Vulcan and Human conflict but also the past and the future, the being alone and being with others.

It had been a week since Jim Kirk had charged in and plunged Spock into that hell and there were those reports to Command he had not filed. Some god had smiled on him when it came to medical staff at Command. One Nurse Rosa working there and had been on the Enterprise for a year to study the effect of prolonged deep space on such a mixed crew as the Enterprise had. Spock had helped her learn about not just Vulcan ways but also had given permission for him to share details of his medical history with her. As soon as Nurse Rosa heard it was Spock that Command was demanding more and more information on she seemed to take great pride in telling Command that the reports would be ready "only when Doctor McCoy is totally satisfied with his findings" and that it was best not to interrupt him with needless questions. Spock had clearly had an impact on her. When she brought them meals and snacks she would always pause and look at Spock and concern and hope were plain on her face.

He knew there was one more day there and they would be on the Enterprise heading to rendezvous with a Vulcan ship. There were so many supplies he would need and knew that he would have to file so many requests for them, requests that would take too long to get cleared. Then there was finding a way of destroying the recording of what had taken place when Kirk had charged in.

Nurse Rosa had stood for a moment looking at Spock obviously knowing that it would be her last chance to see him then she looked at him, "A few boxes will be delivered here at sixteen hundred hours for you. They are a collection of supplies that you will need and that have been acquired in a manner not to arouse suspicion. There has also been an undetected fault in the recording equipment in this unit, it is a continuous loop showing just you and Mister Scott taking care of Mister Spock."

"How," he started and she shook her head.

"You know how many officers from the Enterprise were given leave here while the ship was on the shake-down flight? You know how many of them have useful skills? You know how many of them were willing to do things to help Mister Spock?" she had looked again at Spock then back at him, "You just take care of him. I hope he does not have to go to Vulcan as I remember him saying it was his home but was no longer his home as the Enterprise was his home." then walked out.

Mister Scott had heard the conversation and had also noticed how Nurse Rosa had been the nurse rostered on to be at the desk to this wing of the Medical Facility. He remembered her aboard the Enterprise as she was not like most of the nurses and was not a woman who was all that interested in the attentions of the male crew. On occasion he had seen men he knew from Engineering with her here but had not given it much thought as he remembered she would talk with the male crew on the ship but was more interested in her work than in the attention of the men. To hear that there had been an undetected fault in the recording equipment and seeing those engineers made sense. They would have done it. He felt a bit of pride knowing his men would do that. He gave the hand in his a squeeze, "Hear that laddie? Nobody will know what went on in here. The whole crew is working ta get ye back where ye belong." There was a long delay then that reassuring grip and Scott looked at McCoy and nodded. Spock had understood. He knew he was going home. Home. Scott looked back at Spock as he wondered **which home**. Was home now Vulcan or was it still the Enterprise?

* * *

A/N Thanks for reading. Have a great Easter. Daylight Savings ends tonight so a day of readjustment tomorrow. . . . Have fun and enjoy.


	16. Chapter 16

At the end of their shift Sulu, Chekov, and Kirk were in the briefing room when Uhura walked in carrying a very large tray with finger food and a large coffee for each. They all noticed how her small computer was tucked under her arm and held there by pressure. They quickly sorted out who was looking for what special topic and it did not take them long to have the hours of work Kirk had done systematically sorted not only by topic but also in chronological order and by what applied to both Humans and Vulcans as well as to one of the other only. There was a considerable amount that only applied to one or the other but not both and while Uhura, Chekov, and Sulu concentrated on those things that applied to both Kirk was looking at those that applied only to one or the other. Copies of several files appeared on the different computers.

Kirk found himself smiling at one stage when he looked around and thought of how Spock would have found it fascinating to watch Sulu, Chehov and Uhura and how they worked as a unit with each seeming to know almost instinctively what the other was doing. It struck him, at first, as unusual how the four of them were able to work so well and so thoroughly on the task as they had such different ways of dealing with what was called paperwork. Chekov was like some possessed being seeming to rush through the same selection of material time and again Sulu was very thorough and painstakingly slow, and Uhura seemed to be able to quickly sort though once into subject material, then did subsections of the material, and then put it in chronological order. His own method was almost a combination of all three although, he admitted to himself, he tended to read the whole article rather than sort after only reading a paragraph or two and later carefully reading the whole article.

Four hours into the task, just as they were checking to make sure that all the files were where they needed to be and none had been overlooked two officers that Kirk recognized as from Communications came in carrying more snacks and drinks for them. There was something about the way the second officer was looking at them that was odd and the first officer looked at Uhura, As acting Communications Officer I feel I must report an incident regarding Officer Deans and Officer Yates." There was a noticeable alertness in the others at that.

Uhura looked at the second officer, "Tell me."

The young officer looked from Sulu to Kirk then at Uhura, "Officer Yates was saying some derogatory things about Captain Kirk and Mister Sulu and ignoring Officer Patterson so I, I," she closed her eyes and bowed her head.

"If I may comment I believe the old English expression for what she did was she decked him. One solid punch to his face knocked him right off his feet."

"One punch?" Chekov looked shocked and the other knew it was because he had often gone out with Officer Deans when planet-side and had said she was a nice friend.

The young officer looked at Chekov, "I told you I grew up with four brothers, I learned to fight and defend myself **from a very young age**. Mister Spock helped me to learn how to better target my moves and to incorporate the the movements into a near dance sequence to keep them honed. I was not going to let that thing disrespect the Captain or Mister Sulu the way he was nor discredit and disobey the acting commanding officer. I knew Officer Patterson wanted to strike him but that it would reflect badly on his career chances. If the doctors do not put down I was extremely hormonal at the time then I accept whatever happens."

Kirk looked at Sulu as it was his call and Sulu nodded, "Officer Deans you are to go to your quarters and rest for forty-eight hours as obviously you actions were brought about by stress. Should Officer Yates wish to pursue the matter there will be a hearing at which he will have to state his actions and exact statements which preceded your actions before a full board and witnesses. Is that understood?"

"Yes, Sir. Thank you."

"You are dismissed, Officer Dean. Officer Gallins, wait a moment, please." The young officer left and the other looked at Sulu, "Okay, now tell us what was said."

"Verbatim, Sir."

"No, just the gist of what was said."

"Officer Patterson asked Officer Wytalski for some information and he took a bit longer than Mister Spock would have and Officer Yates said that Officer Patterson was way too lenient in allowing him to take so long, that he was following the bad example of Mister Sulu who had clearly picked up the casualness from Captain Kirk and that it showed slovenliness clearly started at the top. He pointed out how much better things would be if he were in the Comm as he would not allow for such slackness and that it surprised him how Captain Kirk had remained a Captain for so long, that Mister Sulu thought he could ever get close to being a First Officer let alone a Captain, and how Officer Patterson showed none of the factors needed to be a First Officer. Three times Officer Patterson had told him to be quiet and then Officer Deans said "Shut your mouth!" as she punched him once and he fell with a lot of blood coming out of his nose. I got Officer Gills to relieve me and got Officer Dean to help me as a way of getting her away from the bridge."

"Did Officer Dean say anything to you about striking Officer Yates?"

"Only that he was too stupid to duck."

Despite himself Kirk gave a laugh and saw how the others were trying not to.

"Thank you, Officer Gallins."

After she had gone Kirk looked at Sulu, "Your next course of action with regard to that?"

Sulu smiled, "To watch myself around Officer Dean and to do nothing unless either Officer Yates or Officer Patterson comment. I will then deal with any issue they have any questions about. I think Officer Dean might have dealt with the whole matter for me."

Kirk nodded, "I want to thank you all for helping me get these into order, I now have what ten hours to go over it all."

""What are you looking for, Keptin?"

"Like the three of you have, something that might help Doctor McCoy help Spock. I keep thinking of how Spock believes in there being endless possibilities."

"And how every problem has a solution." Sulu nodded.

"And how every puzzle could be solved." Chekov added.

Very somberly Uhura said, "And how every question had an answer even if it is one the enquirer did not want to hear."

From one glance around the table Kirk realized how they all felt about Uhura's statement being so very true both about Spock and the situation. So often they had heard Spock say that sometimes it be best not to ask a questions one does not want to get an unfavorable answer for.

"We have nine hours till arrival and about fourteen till departure." Sulu looked at Kirk, "While it has been very useful being acting Captain I will very gladly hand her back to you, Sir." He stood up, "I think we best go enjoy some sleep and be at our stations when we dock."

After the others had left Kirk sat alone for a time. As he looked at the computer and all the material he had to look through he briefly closed his eyes, it seemed to be endless, almost pointless. Then it was there again. Spock's face , eyes with disbelief then a reflection of the hell he had sent him to. Millan had been right, he was going to be trapped in his own hell unless he could free Spock.

Sleep was the last think of Doctor McCoy's mind. He had a patient to get ready to take back to the Enterprise and had a long list of things to be done before then as he was not going to take him Sickbay but to his quarters. He had to arrange for a few pieces of medical equipment things to be taken to the quarters, confirm with the Vulcan healer about what else might be needed, have a security team at the ready to keep all non-medical and non-authorized personnel from seeing his patient, and file the necessary paperwork to get Spock back onto the ship and to the healer. He was grateful that he was dealing with Sulu as he was not ready to address that matters with Kirk. In time he knew he would be but he was still just beyond livid with what Kirk had done. Oh, he could understand it from Kirk's point of view but he had to think of and for Spock. While they had, after twenty-eight days, got Spock back as far as they had, got him to where there was a flicker of hope of getting him all the way back. To-the -rescue-Kirk had, in that one moment of emotion, thrust their friend back into a hell worse than the one Kirk's original words had sent him. A part of him wanted to believe Scotty saying that there was again the start of a response but the Scotsman was far too hopeful. All those days and hours of being beside the Vulcan had him believing in miracles, something their Vulcan friend would deny believing in and call illogical. He had decided on taking Spock to his own quarters so that if there were so awareness he might know he was in his own quarters. So many times Spock had been allowed to recover in his own quarters rather than Sickbay that it just seem right. He looked over at Miser Scott, still holding one of Spock's hands as he had done since Spock was out of surgery. Just sitting there holding his hand in one of his own and looking at a computer screen. Somehow he would have to get that man away from Spock for long enough to get Spock settled. Perhaps a quick tour on Engineering.

Mister Scott read again the reports on his bairns and was satisfied. Now once they were back aboard he would check them for himself but he knew his lads would have made sure that all was well. He had looked at Spock, "Now laddie, while McCoy gets ye settled in your quarters I'll go check with me bairns and lads to make sure the ship will get ye safely to the healer. T'won't be long now till the Vulcan healer has a look at ye." there was that delay then the very slight movement of the fingers trying to grip his hand. The fingers were getting some strength back and they no longer felt like warm wet strong in his. His own fingers were almost fully functional after a few were broken at the start when his friend was not able to control his strength. "I nae want them ta take ye ta Vulcan but if tis the only way ye can recover I'll nae fight them." Again that faint acknowledgment. It was just like after that Captain had sent Spock back beyond how he had been to start with. Lightly the Scotsman stroked Spock's forehead, Scott knew he was there and aware, he just seemed to be almost trapped where he was.


	17. Chapter 17

Captain Kirk knew he and Sulu had to report to Millan while the others got Spock aboard. It seemed to take everything in him to go with Sulu instead of seeing how Spock was but he knew McCoy and Scotty were taking good care of him. He only hoped in time McCoy would let him at least see Spock before the Vulcan healer arrived. He needed some time with Spock.

Millan had looked at the two of them, "I understand that you will be anxious to go out and rendezvous with the Vulcan ship as that way Mister Spock will get seen to by a Vulcan healer sooner. I will read the reports you will make on your way out to the point of rendezvous so that when you return we can discus by comm-link the status of personnel. As I understand it, Mister Sulu, you do not wish to become the Fist Officer of the Enterprise."

Sulu and Kirk exchanged a glance, then Sulu said, "The report you received from Officer Yates is correct. I cannot explain it to anybody who did not serve with Mister Spock but he was the First Officer of the ship. He and Captain Kirk have become the standard you and the others in Starfleet now expect. I would not do that position justice and would, in fact, feel uncomfortable in it."

"So you know that Officer Yates is still after that position. Seems he is also keen to file a claim against one Officer Dean for attacking him. Your opinion there?"

"The **attack** **was one punch** which knocked him off his feet. Officer Yates was being disrespectful of senior officers and refused to obey an order that was repeated." Kirk looked at Sulu then at Millan "It is Officer Deans not Dean and the officer is female, easily sixty centimeters shorter than Officer Yates and at least thirty kilograms lighter. She apparently told him to be quiet and when he kept talking she struck him in an attempt to silence him. She possibly did not know her own strength as she is reported to have said he was too stupid to duck." Millan smiled and nodded. "She was sent to her quarters."

"It is good to hear the whole story as all I was told was that she had attacked him for no reason. I agree that being sent to her quarters from the bridge would be a sufficient reprimand. Now, I do have to tell you, Kirk, that Doctor McCoy made all the arrangements with the Vulcan healer and has organized for security outside Mister Spock's quarters to ensure limited access to Mister Spock. He particularly said that **you are not to have access to him**. He would not say why but was insistent about it and asked that I notify you about that fact."

It had hurt to know he had Spock back on the ship but could not see him yet he understood only too well McCoy's almost overly protective nature about his patients, and this one in particular. "I understand his reasons."

"The rest of your crew who remained here while the shakedown was done are all prepared to go back aboard. You really do have a dedicated crew, Kirk, something many other Captains are a bit envious about. Have you had any difficulties?"

Although Sulu would think the question was just related to the shake-down Kirk knew it was about much more. "Only those mentioned by you."

Millan nodded, "I sincerely hope they are resolved shortly."

"So do I, Sir. Now, if we have nothing else to discuss I believe Mister Sulu and I should get back to the Enterprise and insure all is ready and that things are as Doctor McCoy requires them to be."

McCoy had been back and forth to the Enterprise more times than Scott wanted to recall but finally came time to move Spock. "Now, laddie." he leaned closer to Spock and gripped his hand, "Now we may have ta hurt ye a tad but we are taking ye back to the Enterprise, to your own quarters. McCoy's done a grand job at getting things ready. Soon there will be a Vulcan healer ta help ye. So just ye relax. I'll stay with ye so ye can let me know if ye want us ta stop till the pain is less."

Twice during the journey between the room Spock had been in at the Medical Facility and the Enterprise Scott had them stop as the grip on his hand had indicated his friend was in pain. Then as they had lifted his slowly healing body from the stretcher to his bed Scott thought his friend would break his fingers as he gave a slight moan but relaxed as Spock must have sensed he was on his own bed and sighed. Taking a cloth that McCoy handed him the Scotsman wiped Spock's face, "There ye be, laddie. Now I'll let Officer Kelly sit with ye while I go freshen up a bit as I have an aroma worse than venting a blocked ablution system. Ye nae need ta worry as he knows that Captain is nae allowed near ye." As the young officer took the hand Scott looked at him, "He hears ye so ye talk to him about what's been happening on his ship in his Science Department but mind nae to upset him. I'll nae be long. Ye stay with him."

It was the movement, the pain of the movement that seemed to spread through most of his body that had made Spock grip Scott's hand as hard as he had. He had heard his friend say they were going to move him and he had felt them ease him onto a stretcher but the initial readjustment of his body to the stretcher and then the slight slanting of the stretcher had sent a sharp pain through him that he had not fully prepared for both times. He was pleased that Scott was having some time away as he was aware of the amount of time the man had spent caring for him, watching over him, being there with him, and he was also aware that Scott needed to, as he had said, freshen up as he was getting slightly aromatic. He had noticed how Scott had said that Captain for so long it was as though the man did not want to mention Captain Kirk. He would not allow himself to think of Captain Kirk as there were too many emotions and feelings. He only hoped the Vulcan healer could help him and remove all traces of James Tiberius Kirk and all memories about and emotions associated with him permanently from his mind as he was certain that was what was blocking him from recovering, those feelings and emotions that were from his Human side.

Although he could see he preferred to just rest with his eyes shut, opening his eyes only when he was certain there was nobody to see. Mister Scott's breathing changed when he was resting and he could hear McCoy come and go. On those occasions when he had been sure McCoy was gone and Scott resting he would open his eyes and survey his surroundings. On three occasions he had miscalculated and opened his eyes when McCoy had been present and Scott briefly away. The first time was one hundred and sixty-eight hours ago and McCoy had smiled and gently placed a hand on his shoulder, "Don't worry, Spock, I'll not tell them you are awake and aware until you are ready to do so yourself. I'm sorry I do not know what you body is still not responding as it should but then you always have liked challenging me with the unique combination of parts you have. You just rest."

He would want to keep memories of McCoy, Scott, Sulu, Chekov, and Uhura as well as a few of his experiences and what he had learned but it would be a pain that would not go away if the healer could not remove all traces of Kirk from his mind. Before he might have sought Kirk's permission to meld with him to know the depths of his feelings but when he had come charging into the room when he told him not to, when he had again seen that look on Kirk's face and heard him screaming in his mind _"I don't want to ever see you or hear from you again. Get off my bridge and stay the hell out of my life!"_ he knew that such a request would be denied.

He tried to listen to Officer Kelly but found, after hearing Scott's voice for so long, that he oddly missed the reassurance he felt from the Scotsman. Officer Kelly was good at giving an up-date on what changes had been made to the Science Department as a whole and to the individual departments but he lacked, Spock felt himself internally smile, the emotionalism that Scott had. Scott had to be the only human to think of the engines as their offspring although he was not the only one to think of the ship as a mechanical being nor who referred to the ship as "she". Slowly Spock let himself sleep while Officer Kelly spoke.

"You can go now, Officer Kelly. I'll sit with him till Mister Scott gets back. He just needs some physical contact to keep him aware he is cared about." McCoy took Spock's hand and sat down by the bed. "Jim's out there pacing like some caged animal, Spock. He will not be getting in here till the Vulcan healer is here. Don't think he liked Sulu's idea of meeting the Vulcan healer almost half-way but it is the best thing for you as I have done all I can do. I'm not too keen on the idea of letting them take you back to Vulcan but it they think it best and knowing I can do nothing more for you I guess I will have to accept it. I haven't told Jim yet but if they take you I am going to leave the ship. It holds too many memories. I haven't been on the bridge since that day. May see if the healer will let me stay with you for a bit or at least let me go with you to see the facilities." For a moment he felt his world stop as the fingers in his hand tightened on his and relaxed. "I will accept it but if it will be the best for you, my friend, I will have to accept it." Another light squeeze.

Scott stopped as soon as he got into Spock's quarters and saw only McCoy with Spock, "Beggin' tyour pardon, Doctor, but where the devil is Kelly? I told him,"

McCoy raised his free hand, "It's okay, Scotty. I wanted some time alone with Spock. No telling how it will be when the Vulcan healer is here. I just can't stand the thought that in six days he may be gone, that they will take him."

"Aye, I nae like the thought either but if tis the best place for him I'll nae fight them but will get good and drunk for a few days a'fore I'd think of what ta do." McCoy saw how the man looked at Spock, "I'd nae like ta leave but t'would nae feel right him not here."

McCoy had let him see how Spock's quarters had not be largely altered to accommodate him, just a few medical instruments McCoy thought he might need, and it was clear that nobody had been in it since that day on the bridge. "He disliked Sickbay so I thought that his own quarters would be a good place for him to remember. Be more restful and private. The Vulcan healer actually agreed."

"You've discussed it with,"

"Don't worry, Captain. When asked about his state of mind I did not mention your emotional outburst but did say his Human side had been compromised by remarks about his character. I let the healer assume it was junior officers if he wanted to. It seems that is a large part of what is causing the trouble. I have sent him all the relevant details and every other day readings that he requests." McCoy had smiled, "Seems he agrees with the physical contact being essential to keep him grounded. Seems it is something they do to their most severely traumatized patients as well."

Most severely traumatized. Spock's face seemed to be looking at him as he looked about the room. That hurt and haunted look from what had happened on the bridge and what he had done at the Medical Facility.

He had been in the Transporter Room when Spock was beamed aboard but two guards made sure he could see Spock laying so still on the stretcher but could not get closer than about three meters. It was not until the medical team had taken Spock to his quarters that he realized that that might be the last he saw of his friend. He had seen the toll it was taking on McCoy and the rest of his senior crew but mostly on McCoy and, to just a slightly lesser degree, Scott.

Now as he paced in his quarters knowing that in six days his closest friend could be taken from his life. Spock would be taken away because of what he had done to him and made him do. Taken back to the planet he had escaped from, a planet that was his home and that would be his prison. Spock would be taken away and there was nothing he could do. All he could do for his friend now was to swiftly and safely get him to the Vulcan healer. The same healer who could, most likely would, take him away. He calmed himself and headed to the bridge.


	18. Chapter 18

As he stepped onto the bridge Sulu stood, looked at him, and said, "On time and on course for rendezvous with the Vulcan ship in one hundred and thirty-four point four hours, Captain." It was there, he saw it in the way Sulu quickly looked around the bridge, just a hint of inner laughter.

"Anything else, Lieutenant?"

"One officer did not return to the ship and Admiral Millan has been informed."

"Who?"

There was no mistaking the grin on Sulu's face, "It seems Officer Yates filed a complaint about the actions of Officer Deans which were not to his liking, something about a senior officer being assaulted and no real disciplinary action being taken. The Admiral said he would deal with the matter."

Chekov turned around,, "She was sent to her quarters. What did he want? Her blood too?"

**"Blood?"** Kirk almost smiled as he looked at Sulu, "You did not mention blood."

"She may have broken his nose but I do not think it was bleeding enough for that. Only a few drops."

"Any word from the Vulcans?"

"Just messages to Doctor McCoy who has told us that the Vulcan healer has approved Uhura, Chekov, and myself trying our methods of helping Mister Spock as the healer said they could not harm him. Did you find,"

Kirk shook his head as there had been nothing that McCoy had not already read or tried. He had been so sure that somewhere between the information of Humans and Vulcans there had to be something that would help. In a way he wished he had not read some of the findings as they indicated that Spock would spend the rest of his life in that hell he had pushed him into. He again saw that face, that inner hell he had sent Spock into. He again heard the pain in Spock's voice that made him charge into the room and the command behind the **"No!"** that Spock had cried out almost immediately and that he ignored it. The security guards then Scotty and McCoy had tried to stop him but he was determined to get to Spock. Spock had seen him but what had he seen? The last time Spock had seen him was on the bridge with him yelling at him to go to hell and stay out of his life. At the time he had meant it, he had felt that fury Utoga had wanted him to and said it with all the venom he could muster. Spock had clearly sensed his anger and that he meant what he said. There were so many times he could have gone done and seen Spock but Utoga had said it was a sign of weakness. It was a sign of weakness and yet Utoga had gone down to look at Spock and most likely gloated knowing he had the perfect puppet. He was aware that Suu was watching him, "No, nothing of any use. You have the Comm. I'm going for a cup of coffee and then to my quarters. Got a lot of reports to catch up on and send."

Sulu stood for a moment then said, "Sir, I will take the Comm and relieve you but there is no way I will be First Officer on this ship. I am very proud to be on the bridge and to serve under you at the helm but I will not be the First Officer of this ship." The look he got from the young officer let him know that Sulu know some of those reports had to do with personnel and he just wanted to remind him that he would not take the position if offered. Kirk understood the feelings behind why and accepted them.

As Sulu watched Kirk leave he recalled what his message from Command had told him, of how many other more senior and seasoned officers than Captain Kirk had been used by Utoga for his own agenda without them realizing it till too late. How many careers the man had ruined yet was protected by diplomatic immunity that did not apply in the case with the Enterprise which was why the Enterprise had been sent. They had been made a trap and not been told. Command had used Kirk as much as Utoga. Command had said they had no fear for the Captain's life as Utoga needed somebody to take the blame, somebody he controlled, but they had not thought Utoga would make the ship a bomb. Kirk had reacted as Utoga had wanted him to. It had not been their Kirk who had done that Utoga's Kirk had done to Spock and their Kirk hated himself for being used as he had. It struck Sulu that should Spock not return then their Kirk would not return, just this shadow of what their Kirk was. He would wait until Doctor McCoy told him he could try his way to help Spock then he would do what he could for him and he would also do what he could for Kirk. **There had to be a way** they could get them both back.

As he passed Spock's quarters he was tempted to try to go in but saw how the two officers McCoy had stationed outside the door just looked at him and he kept walking. It was clear that word of what he had done had spread through the whole ship and it would take a long time for him to get that trust back. He knew that there was most likely the belief that if he could treat Spock how he had that nobody was safe. He had only had a few days of the way Millan had lived with the face of his friend, his First always there. As he sat down at his computer he wondered how he would be after eleven years of it. He had heard that Millan and given up his captaincy for the promotion after only a few years and had never captained a ship since. While he could not see himself giving up the captaincy Kirk wondered how he would be able to carry on with that face always there, like Millan had said, ready to appear at the most unusual times. It frightened him to admit it but he had felt uneasy on the bridge, he could not look in the direction of the Science Station and realized that where Sul had been standing was where Spock had been standing. He took a mouthful of coffee and savored it for a moment. There were reports to write about the shake-down and how the ship had handled from his observation. He wanted to delete the report of appropriate candidates for First Officer but put a bring-up date eight days away. If there was even the remotest of chances that Spock would recover he was going to hold on for that chance.

One by one he looked at the names and ranks of the crew who had asked for transfer off the ship should Spock not return. From ensign to bridge crew, three-quarters of the crew including Uhura, Chekov, Scotty, and he felt slightly sick, McCoy's name was also on the list. Only Sulu had not put his name down, but then he had said he would not be the First Officer. Sulu had been his first, his only choice, for the position. One day Sulu would make a great captain, Kirk had no doubt about that but he also understood Sulu's thoughts about the Firsit Officer potion on the Enterprise. All those on the bridge that day had heard him flare at Yates, **There is only one First Officer of this ship and that officer is currently undergoing medical treatment. I will not be the First Officer of this ship.** Although he knew none would possibly ever admit it he knew that Spock had close bonds with the bridge crew and they with him even though it was seldom obvious in how they talked. Seldom obvious unless you listened to what was said and how it was said.

Uhura handed the officers outside Spock's quarters the chit McCoy had given her that proved she could go in. Although she had been told Mister Spock had been badly injured she was, after so long, not really prepared to see him so totally helpless, to defenseless. Mister Scott sat holding his hand and Doctor McCoy sat at the desk looking through the divider. "Ah laddie, Uhura tis here ta see ye. I will go but will be back in a wee time. She will be with ye, she will be touching ye, helping ye."

"Spock I will do to you that which my grandmother used to do to me when I visited her that helped me. I with be touching you and stroking you but I will try to keep my emotions to myself. I will start at your head and finish with your feet. I am using some oils made from plants from Vulcan so that the aroma is familiar." Very slowly and carefully she started to use both her hands to massage his head starting under his head and neck. She started to hum and McCoy recognized it as a Vulcan lullaby. Slowly and methodically she massaged his face, chest, arms, hands, reached under him to rub his back, took care around his pelvic area and then worked on his legs and finished by massaging his feet. McCoy realized she was also incorporating some old fashioned acupressure but mostly long and steady strokes. "I will be back tomorrow and every day until the Vulcan healer arrives. You just rest now. Scotty's right here."

The Scotsman waited till Uhura had left and looked at Spock, briefly at McCoy then back at Spock as he took his hand, "Ye do look more relaxed, laddie. She will be back to see ye tomorrow. I've had a wee bite to eat, checked on me bairns, and will now sit with ye. Doctor McCoy is here but he will go get some sleep soon. I'll be right here. I did bring an extra slice of a pie Officer Deans made at the base and froze. A lime pie ta kill for." He looked at McCoy and saw he was studying something on the computer then looked at the piece of pie he had brought with him. Carefully he rubbed his index finger on the fillling and gently parated Spock's lips to wipe the filling on his tongue. "I da nae know if ye," the fingers in his hand squeezed and Spock's lips parted a bit. Very softly but urgently Scott said, "**McCoy**." and as McCoy turned Scott again wiped his finger in the filling and slid it between Spock's lips. A pause then another grip.

McCoy quickly pressed the switch to Communicatins, "Uhura, have Officer Deans put any of the lime pie she has left aside."

"What shall I tell her," there was a laugh in her voice, "I saw Scotty,"

"He got Spock to taste it and now Spock wants more."

"Notifying her now. Uhura out." there had been pure excitement in her voice.

Six more times Scott gave Spock's tongue a layer of the filling and each time he got a squeeze. One of the security guards entered, "An Officer Deans is outside."

"Let her in."

The small woman walked in and Scott moved so she could stand by the bed and placed Spock's hand in her hand, "Laddie, this is Officer Deans, the lass who made the pie in a proper wee stove. She has more but ye best not have too much at once."

The long fingers gripped the small hand and she squeezed back. "I've put the other six I made in the freezer, Mister Spock, with Doctor McCoy's name on them. When you want more they're there. I, I still have a few limes I can make just the filling for you and Mister Scott and Doctor McCoy can keep that in here for you if you like and it is okay with them." Again the fingers gripped her hand and both McCoy and Scott nodded. "I have time to make it now before I go on shift. It is great to have you back aboard, Sir."

About an hour later she was back with a two liter container in a chiller, "It keeps for about nine days like that. I'm glad he likes it. I haven't told anybody as Lieutenant Uhura said to keep it quiet."

McCoy and Scott looked at each other, Uhura was being protective again. The mother-hen was looking out for her brood. "Tis grand ye are gettin' a wee bit of real food inta ye as all that tube feedin' is nae good for man nor beasties. Remember once trying some Vulcan fruit and twas like eating a lime, rind-n-all and thought ye may like a taste of her pie. When McCoy says ye can have more I'll see ye get it. I may just have a wee bit myself." Two squeezes and Scott said, "Oh, I may let McCoy have just wee bit as well. Now ye rest."

McCoy looked at his two friends and almost commented on Scott practicing medicine without qualifications but the man had done what he had not thought of doing so soon, seeing if Spock could deal with food in his mouth. If they could get his digestive system to be more regular with more solid food it could be beneficial. Also that pie was damned near perfect. Was not all that often that they got real food and not something out of the machine but that, that taste like food. He looked at the bits of crust and some filling that Scotty had left over from giving a fair amount of filling to Spock and saw the Scotsman looking at him, "Ye want to top or the bottom part of the pie? I'll nae eat it alone." Smiling McCoy took the bottom crust and nodded his thanks.

"Another small step on his way back, Scotty. Another very small step."

"Aye, but it twas a step back to us. May be a very wee step but tis toward us."

Chekov arrived three hours later with a bowl of what looked like a green sludge and smelt like decomposing leaves. Both McCoy and Scott looked at him as he sat beside the bed and dipped a tube into it, put his finger over the top and got the fluid into Spock's mouth, "It tastes wile, I know and am sorry,, Sir, but that is why it is good for you. Sulu gave me the greens I wanted and I followed what has been in my family for generations." The fingers in his hand squeezed once and Spock parted his lips and accepted more six more times then did not part them. "I can come back tomorrow if you want more." a squeeze, "I will leave this here so if you want some it is here." another squeeze.

After Chekov had gone both McCoy and Scott tried the liquid and had differing reactions with McCoy almost gagging and Scott saying it was not bad. "My gawd, Scotty, that is vile. A mix of onions and cabbage with peppers. Healthy but I'd not want much of it."

"Oh, takes me back to being a lad and time on Old Earth with relatives in Scotland. Fond memories."

"If Spock likes it the it will be good for him, better than a lot of medicines, as it is steamed so it has just started the process for the nutrients to be readily absorbed."

"T'was what my relative used ta say, that nature had the cure if we knew where to look."

"Might just help make those small steps easier for Spock to make."

Scott wiped the face of his Vulcan friend and got a squeeze, "Aye, a small step at a time, laddie. We're going to be right here with ye and that Vulcan healer best tell us they kin help ye better than all of us. I'll nae fight if they kin prove they will do better. Now ye get some sleep. McCoy is going to sleep as well on the cot I have set up. A tad cramped but he nae wants to leave ye. Ye both sleep. Fed an nae a worry. I'll be right here."

For five days it was the same routine as the Enterprise sailed to the rendezvous point. The crew doing their best to help their comrade and their Captain and their Captain trying to deal with the haunting images of Spock and the sinister whispers of words said that were not his.


	19. Chapter 19

Uhura went twice a day to talk Spock as she massaged him and felt his muscles very gradually relax yet maintain their tone. She had noticed the changes as even McCoy had commented on what he saw as a vast improvement in muscular viability and over-all release of tension in the body.

When she had finished on the fourth day McCoy had said, "You have worked wonders, Uhura. It is frustrating that you can get so much tension out of his body but the main problem is all that pain and tension in his mind."

"But the Vulcan healer can," she had stopped when she saw the look in the blue eyes looking at her.

"I hope so but in all the years I have known him I have never known him to be so mentally damaged by what Jim did that he does not want to come back." McCoy stopped as he realized he almost said too much.

Uhura nodded, "I doubt it I will ever forget how he left the bridge after what the Captain said. The way he said Captain Kirk sent a chill through me. I would never have believed that he would ever have said anything like that to Spock. I do, now. understand that Utoga had influenced other senior officers but for him to be able to make Captain Kirk say and do what he did on the bridge just shows how powerful he is."

"He is being sent to a facility for the rest of his life where he will have no direct contact with sentient beings, all automation." McCoy said and wondered what sort of existence that would be as the man was expected to live for another sixty years and not to have contact with any other being all that time would be almost cruel if one ignored what he had done and what he was capable of.

"Will it be possible for me to meet the Vulcan healer?"

McCoy smiled as Uhura stopped by the door, "I will see what I can do. I would not say we were on friendly terms but I have had some long conversations with the healer and she sounds reasonable enough. There will be two coming as her assistant is learning and we agreed this would be a time when a fresh perspective might be needed."

"You know how to find me."

"I'll let you know as soon as I know." McCoy sat back down next to the bed and took Spock's hand in his, "Scotty is having a long sleep, Spock. He was going to his quarters for a nap and I, I. **Oh hell, I drugged him.** He was out on his feet and I thought he should have a long decent sleep so I gave him a strong sedative that should see him sleep for at least another hour or two. He will no doubt be madder than all get out but his body needed it. Your body has been healing very well, I just wish I could find a way to help you back mentally. **Blasted Vulcan mind**. **Damn Jim**. He pushed you there and when he came in that time he pushed you further into that hell you are in. You both are almost trapped in your own worlds of hell but **there has to be a way** we can get you **both back**. I said almost as I will not believe that there is no way we cannot get you back and then you can help us get Jim back or we can't get Jim to help you back somehow. Oh, he may seem fine to those who do not know him but we know him, he has put himself in a hell as he knows **he caused all your physical and mental pain**, that he put you mentally and physically where you are. You just rest. That Vulcan healer will be here within twenty-nine hours according to Jim. I'll he right here till Scotty gets back then I best check on Jim." The long fingers in his hand squeezed and McCoy smiled, "I know, you are trying, Spock. We've done all we can do so this healer better be able to do something. Oh no, here's Chekov with more of that sludge that you seemed to like." Again a slight squeeze. "I'll tell him." another slight grip of the fingers."

As Chekov walked up to the bed McCoy looked at him and saw the concern on the young man's face. "We were just talking about you, Chekov. I told Spock you were here with that concoction and he indicated he likes it

"This will be the last as that healer is tomorrow." Very carefully Chekov put some between Spock's slightly parted lips. Over the four days Spock had seemed to take more and move his lips more. Still no sound but the grip was his communication method he and Mister Scott had established after the explosion. "It is meant to be a bit stronger as it has aged, at least that was what we were told. You will be able to tell me why its taste changes later. You will know why." Chekov felt the slight grip and looked at McCoy but said nothing to him then. "Sulu said he is sure there is some Wulcan plant you can use. Some brassic or something. I, I do not know if I should say this or not but, Sir, it is not the same with you not up there with us. Now, last spoonful. There," McCoy smiled as almost motherly Chekov wiped around Spock's lips, then his face, and finished by combing combed his hair back into place. McCoy saw how the young navigator just looked at Spock for a few minutes before saying, "**I will see you tomorrow,** Sir, after the healer has seen you." and saw how he bit his lip when the fingers lightly tightened. Carefully Chekov slid his hand away and McCoy placed his under the long fingers. He had recognized that look about Chekov's eyes, that question of if this was the last time he would see his friend.

"You know, Spock, for a man who claims not to have feelings you sure bring them out in others. Chekov's right. The feeling on the bridge is not the same without you there. I can't quite put my finger on it but the feeling is so wrong."

Sulu had passed Chekov heading back to the bridge as he was heading to see Spock and he could see the worry on his friend's face, "How is he, Pavel?"

"He knows we are there but he can only grip our hand to let us know. There is like a wall he cannot get through to us. What the Keptin said and the explosion did to him was shut him behind a fear wall and he needs help to come back but we do not know what to do, how to help him. The Wulcan healer may take him to Wulcan if we cannot get him free."

"Yeah, that's what's Scotty's said. That he seems almost trapped behind a wall that the Captain and that explosion put around him. He knows what is going on, he hears and understands what is said, but he, according to Scotty, was too hurt mentally by the Captain and physically by the explosion to want to come back, that he wants to but does not know how and may not want to. He seemed to have started coming back but stopped."

For a moment the two looked at each other, both suddenly realizing that the other was also thinking as they were. Something had happened that they did now know about and that Vulcan healer could and would take Spock with them to Vulcan and they would never see him again nor be told how he was. "Uhura came back to the bridge saying **it was all wrong**, that he could not leave her, then said us."

"I have seen her look at his station and almost cry."

"So have I. I find I still look there when I am uncertain about something and then remember. **It is so wrong**. I'll see you two when I get back there."

When Sulu walked into Spock's quarters he felt as he always did, as though he were in an almost sacred place. It was standard quarters but there was a peace about it he did not feel in other quarters. He saw McCoy look at him and move so he could have Spock's fingers resting on his. Long sure fingers that could make the computers do what he wanted them to, that could be doing one complex thing while Spock was talking of something totally different, that could render a being unconscious or encircle another's hand in friendship, fingers that lightly gripped his when he said, "Ship status is normal, Sir. We should rendezvous on time with the Vulcan ship. The refits have not greatly improved speed nor," he felt the fingers in his hand move, "The improvement to response for increased speed is point zero zero nine six percent, Sir." two slight movements in his hand and he saw McCoy smile and shake his head, Spock had understood, he had wanted exactness. "I am sure between us we will be able to increase it further as I am sure it has more to give." a light squeeze. Damn, he stopped himself remembering Spock was a able to pick up emotions so easily through touch. "I still have to master that fancy way you have of calculating the projected improvements that are possible. Whenever I try it I get astronomically impossible results. So after that Vulcan healer leaves I will be anxious for you to show me how to do it. I best get up there as the Captain is resting and I am meant to be minding the ship for him. **I'll see you tomorrow.**" the fingers gave a slight squeeze.

As Sulu left McCoy shook his head. Something told him those three had figured out that something had happened, something they had not been told. He wondered how they would react if they found out, how they would react towards Kirk, how they would react if the Vulcan healer had to take Spock permanently to Vulcan. As he thought about the possible outcomes he rubbed the back of Spock's hand with his thumb, "And I was thinking I only had you, Jim, and Scotty to worry about. If those three really realize what happened I do not know what will happen. A part of me has thought they should be told yet I just do not know how they would react. I do not think they have fully accepted the control U'Toga had over Jim. I am sure they would not understand why he charged in as he did when he heard you. A part of me can understand it but when he did not stop. That I to not think I can forgive, Spock. I had told him how fragile you were. He had to be him and charge in not thinking of what could happen. If those three found out the truth I think we would have some trouble and if you have to be taken to Vulcan I do not think they would want to stay on the ship." The fingers gripped a bit harder and McCoy knew how hard Spock was trying to communicate but was unable to for some reason. "I'm just going to wait and see what the Healer does for you, what happens, before I decide what I will do." When he was quiet for a longer than usual time the fingers gripped, "**Damn it, Spock!** Don't you dare try to comfort me. I'm madder than hell about the whole thing and at Jim for what he caused. And I'm scared beyond words that they are going to take you away from me, from us. To know you are aware and you do not want to go back to Vulcan kills me as they are better equipt to deal with your needs with all that mind melding stuff. I have to think for you, Spock. I have to do what is best for you although it tears me apart. Oh," the door opened and McCoy saw appreciation yet annoyance on the Chief Engineer's face, " here's Scotty and he does not look too happy with me."

Scott had woken up on his bed and knew immediately what had happened and, after freshening up a little, stormed to Spock's quarters. Oh he knew he had needed the sleep, he had planned on getting some after that Vulcan healer had been. He'd told Spock he'd not leave him and now the Vulcan would think he had left him. When he saw McCoy again he was to,

All thoughts of telling the doctor what he thought vanished when he saw how McCoy was looking at Spock, holding his hand before he told Spock he had returned and did not look too happy. Something bad was troubling the doctor, he had known the man too long not to know the signs.

"**What?**"

"I don't know how or even if but I think Chekov, Uhura,, and Sulu might think that something happened that we have not told them about back at the Medical Facility.** I think they are putting some random pieces together** but I do not think they know what Jim did."

"Aye, they best nae find out or the Captain may not have a crew. Ye know they would most likely tell the others something like that. I nae know about ye but I do nae think I can forgive the man for what he did. He nae stopped when we told him to, when we tried to stop him."

For a moment the two men just looked at one another, each having known the other long enough to know what the other was thinking. Finally McCoy said, "Scotty, I am sorry about the sedative, but you needed to sleep."

"Now I'll admit I was a tad annoyed at that but I know ye meant well and ye'd be with the lad. No change then?"

"No. The three of them have been in and are waiting for tomorrow and the Vulcan healer's visit. I could not put my finger on it but I am sure they know something happened that put Spock into that state."

"What do ye know of this healer? Do they know abut Spock?"

"I sent all the details and she agrees that he has retreated almost too far to be reached, that there is a possibility he does not really want to be reached. We agree that it is best Jim not be near him. Scotty," McCoy looked at the Scotsman and moved so he could take Spock's hand and as their hands briefly touched as Spock's fingers passed from McCoy's hands to his, "**What if,**"

"**Stop!** We'll nae even think that. The lad belongs here. This is his and our home. He is family. We are a family nae by blood but a family. If they kin prove ta me it is best for him I will nae fight but they have to really prove they will treat him better than he is here. They'll nae just take him." The long fingers gripped the thick fingers and Scott looked down, "I'm right here, laddie. McCoy knocked me out a bit but I'm back now and will nae leave ye till that healer gets here."

"I'll just go have six hours of sleep and come back. Want to go over everything again before the healer gets here. There has to be something we should have done. Something I may have overlooked. I also better check on Jim. This is tearing him apart as well."

"Ask me tis too late for him to care about what he did. I feel his pain but tis his doing."

"Just take care of our friend for us."

"Sleep well, McCoy."

As the ship sailed to its rendezvous three crew members on the bridge wondered just what had happened that they had not been told, a Captain paced him quarters damning himself in every language he knew for what he had done to the being who was his other half, a doctor gave up trying to sleep and looked through all the material he had amassed since the incident had happened, and an Engineer sat holding the hand of the one they were all thinking about. Each of them united in the thought that they did not want to lose that special being but knowing there was a great possibility that they would. Each one wonder what more they could have done to help their friend. Each one trying not to think of **a life without that special person** being there in their life.


	20. Chapter 20

Throughout what passed as the night on the Enterprise James Kirk had paced, first just in his quarters then around the ship. It seemed the closer they got to the Vulcan ship the more restless he became. A major part of him was surely going to be taken away and there was not a damned thing he could do about it. He had destroyed the one being who had meant more to him than even his own life because he had been so enraptured by how U'toga had talked, how U'Toga had let him relive that thrill of being a captain those first few months. So many time Spock had tried to talk with but U'Toga had always been there, telling him how he could not casually associate with lesser crew, how lesser crew should respect him more as he was their leader and not an equal. He had reacted as U'toga had programmed him to. He should have been able to stop. He had read the reports of all the other Captains and a few Admirals he had been able to influence but none of them had destroyed something as unique and special as he had. U'toga had been able to gain access to highly confidential information on installations and staff but they had been detected early enough not to cause anything as catastrophic as what he had done. If Spock had not been so sure about the ship feeling wrong, about something about U-toga being wrong so many lives would have been lost.

McCoy had been right, he should have trusted Spock. For so many years he had trusted him with his ship and his very life yet he had allowed himself to be memorized by U'Toga. As Millan had predicted he had been daily haunted by two images of Spock. One as he was on the bridge and then when he looked down a him at the Medical Facility. And with either McCoy's _"You didn't even go to see him after he walked off the bridge, did you?"_ or his own "_I am the Captain of this ship and you are just another subordinate officer under my command. You can go to hell. Go! I don't want to ever see you or hear from you again. Go! Go on! Get off my bridge and stay the hell out of my life!"_ He marveled that Millan seemed to be reasonably sane and yet able to deal with his First haunting him but knew he had not actually verbally attacked his friend the way he had Spock, he had not gone against medical advice. It had only been a few weeks and he knew he could not last years with it, not how it came even as he tried to sleep. He knew he would find being on the bridge the hardest as already he found it uncomfortable, unfriendly, and unbearable without that special being there at his right side, there giving him that silent support that gave him the extra confidence he had needed so many times. Almost every time he looked at the Science Station he saw that face. In the Rec Room he was drinking what remained of his coffee and looked at the chronometer, ifi he went to his quarters and managed to get eight hours sleep then he would be more prepared to deal with the Vulcan healer. He would be able to deal with the Vulcan healer but what it they had to take Spock to Vulcan and put him in a facility? **No!** **No, he would not accept that.** He had to find a way. He had caused the hell they were both in, he had to find a way out for them.

It was tiring to fight but as long as his friends tried to help him Spock knew he would try to fight. He heard and understood them and was making some progress with the slight movement of his hand. He knew that a Vulcan healer was coming, that they were to rendevous with them. He was in his own quarters and he felt Mister Scott's hand in his and could tell from the feel of it and the sound of his breathing that the Engineer was lightly dozing which oddly pleased him as he knew his friend had seldom left him since the explosion.

Feeling the Scotsman lightly part his lips had surprised him but then he had tasted the tangy lime and felt a need for more. He had heard Officer Deans say she had brought to his room more of the filling and Mister Scott had occasionally used his finger to put some in his mouth. It was good to taste something so refreshing after being fed through a tube to his stomach. She had understood his thank you grip.

Scott had shared part of the pie with McCoy who also seemed to always be there. He had heard all of McCoy's comments and complaints about the situation and had heard the frustration and anger in his voice. McCoy was blaming himself for something he had no control over, that was beyond Human means to remedy, that might be beyond even Vulcan means to remedy. At least he no longer felt the all-consuming pain he had earlier whenever he thought of James Kirk. He had never experienced the sensations he had now when he thought of James Kirk and did not know how to process them as they did not fit into any of the patterns of emotions he was used to. He had felt that McCoy wad experiencing similar feelings towards James Kirk, only with more pity and fury.

Some part of him thought it most unusual that James Kirk had not visited yet another part of him did not expect it, as he was just another subordinate officer and James Kirk was the Captain. Thee was sudden pain in his mind as he mentally saw James Kirk on the bridge of the ship telling him to do something them leaning over him in anger for some reason. It was too much pain and he had stopped thinking of him as he had to deal with the physical pain and then find a way back from wherever he had got himself so entangled. There was nothing but pain when he thought of Kirk.

Whatever that soup that Chekov had made was made from it tasted very like the soup his grandmother on Vulcan had given him when he was ill and had been visiting. No doubt Chekov would swear it was Russian but that did not matter as it tasted good and brought back memories of when he had a chance to be alone with his grandmother without his parents around.

He had found it easier to sleep after Uhura's visits and had noticed how the soreness and stiffness of his muscles eased if not vanished after the thirty-eight minutes she had spent applying pressure points as well as massage to his body. She had often sung so softly while she worked that he heard her but they both knew the others had not and he recognized it as a song she had sung a few times to him when he had been in Sickbay and badly injured " I've often wondered how I deserved, This special friendship I have with you."

Then there was Sulu who came and talked about a problem with this or that and just by talking he seemed to find the answer, especially as he understood the different grips he was able to give to steer him in the right direction. It pleased him that Sulu thought of bringing questions and problems to him as he needed the stimulation to try to get back to how he was, to where he knew he belonged. He needed it to find a way out.

With the Vulcan healer coming perhaps he would then find where a way back to where he belonged. It would be good to be able to talk with the others. He needed to rest as he knew the session with the Vulcan healer would be mentally and physically taxing. Yes, it would be most enjoyable to talk with the others when the healer had helped him back. He had many questions to ask each one and he wanted to thank each one for their help. Mister Scott was enjoying a sleep and he knew he needed rest as well and went to sleep listening to the deep steady breathing of the man whose hand his own hand rested on.


	21. Chapter 21

There had been an unusual feeling about the entire ship that morning. Kirk knew that he had tossed and turned all night thinking too much about the past and the future and not wanting to have to face what these next few hours would bring. As he looked around the bridge he could tell the others were feeling the same. Only when McCoy walked onto the bridge and stood to his left did, for a moment, the mood lifted as he said, "We're as ready as we can be. Scotty has not allowed me to start packing anything as he says there is no need to create work when it is nae need for it."

"Vulcan shuttle coming into view now, Captain."

"Am receiving a message from the craft, Captain."

"Let's hear it, Lieutenant."

"Enterprise, this is T'Ryen from Vulcan. I am here to appraise the status of First Officer Spock of your ship. May we beam aboard?"

"This is Captain James T. Kirk of the starship Enterprise. I will meet you in our Transporter Room."

"That will be most helpful. We are ready."

"Bones, with me, Sulu take the Comm."

As they waited McCoy looked at his friend and Captain and saw the telltale signs of a man in need of sleep and a man fighting internal demons and losing the fight. He shook his head thinking how his two closest friends were both in turmoil, both somehow unable to break free from the hell holes their minds had them in. He only hoped T'Ryen could help them both even though she had come to assess and help Spock. Somehow he firmly believed that they were so close, if it were possible too close, to each other that to just help one would not solve the problem: he had seen how these two very different men had now become almost one, how they were almost mirror reflections of one another, how they could say so much with just a look or the slightest of moves. What Jim had done had not had any immediate impact on him but when he was clear of U'Toga and able to think clearly he had suddenly become this man none of them recognized, this man who was missing a major part of himself.

"Beaming now, Sir."

As soon as the twi Vulcans had materialized Kirk had his right hand raised in the Vulcun salute and said, "Live long and prosper. I am Captain James T. Kirk of the starship Enterprise. Welcome aboard."

A rather statuesque woman raised her right hand in salute, "Peace and long life. I am T'Ryen the Vulcan healer your Doctor McCoy requested. This is a novice in training, S'Dorn." the young man at her left gave an acknowledging nod, "How may we serve?"

McCoy got over his shock at her obvious beauty, "I am Doctor Leonard McCoy. If you follow me I will take you to the patient."

"There has been no change in his condition?"

"No. Although he can give slight grips with his hand there has been no attempt by him to communicate although he did indicate he wanted more of two soft foods. We,"

The youth suddenly looked at McCoy, "How is it possible you could know that he wanted more if he were not able to request more? Do you have telepathic abilities?"

"Silence!" it was clear that the youth was very new to working with T'Ryen. "You will observe only. I have already explained to you that none of the mainly human crewed ships have anyone aboard with our skills. You will remain quiet and observe. Doctor McCoy had not finished speaking."

"I was just going to say we have known Mister Spock long enough to understand most of his expressions and after he had swallowed the small amounts he was given he would part his lips. We knew he had had enough when he did not part his lips."

"What were the soft foods?"

"One was a real citrus paste made with fresh limes and the other was a mix of red onions and red cabbage."

"Nutrients and vitamins the Vulcan systems need and can easily utilize. Did he have difficulty taking the food?"

"No, nor was there any indications that it upset his stomach."

When they entered Spock's quarters Mister Scott was still holding Spock's hand in his left hand and quickly gave the salute and said, "Live long and prosper, I'm Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott." then looked down at Spock, "I'll leave ye now, laddie. That Vulcan healer is here. I'll be," the fingers tightened on his, "Ye'll be just fine, laddie, she is an attractive women with the skills to heal ye and get ye back to us. I'll be right outside the door for as long as it takes."

The healer looked at him and clearly saw how Spock had gripped his hand, "Peace and long life. You are the one Doctor McCoy told me about. I thank you for keeping him with us this long. I will do what I can for him. You may leave us now."

Kirk had just stood looking at Spock, this was the first time he had seen Spock in weeks and the Vulcan looked so tired. "What," Kirk stopped himself. He shook his head as he looked at Spock. He would not ask that, he would not think that. "Is there anything you need?"

The woman looked at him and Kirk was aware of her in depth scrutiny, "It is clear you have deep feelings for him. You must feel nothing for him nor think of him while I am with him or he will be distracted. All we need in a few of your hours with him alone. I will do all I can for him."

Only McCoy's firm grip on his arm made Kirk leave the room. "You heard her, Jim. You have to occupy yourself in something so that you do not think about him for the next few hours. If you like I will,"

"No," Kirk pulled his arm free and looked at McCoy and saw how Scott had a chair outside Spock's room and was sitting there like only a full bank of photon torpedoes would budge him. "No, I'll, I'll go to the bridge."

He saw McCoy and Scott exchange looks, "Ye take care of him and I'll be here for him. Me lads will care fer me barins, ye an them will care for him."

When they walked on the bridge Kirk was aware of the others all watching him, McCoy said, "Healer T'Ryen and her aid are with Spock and we are to keep our Captain here busy so that we do not concentrate on what is going on in Spock's quarters."

For the next few hours those on the bridge seemed to find things to ask him to check, comment on, confirm, and generally kept him focused on the ship and what was happening with the ship as well as what their next mission might be. Kirk found himself going from station to station helping, commenting, or just talking and did not really realize how much time had passed. Whenever there was a lull in the conversation somebody would pick up the pace by adding something, even if it was Chekov with some far out idea or comment that was not practical.

Down in Spock's quarters T'Ryen had approached him slowly and spoke softly first in Vulcan then in Standard as she placed her hands on his face in places known only to healers, points that accessed those parts of the patient's mind a meld cannot reach, _"Spock, son of Sarek, I am T'Ryen, a healer your Doctor McCoy has asked to give you what assistance I can. I will assess your condition and do what I am able to do to assist you. Know that whatever I may find I that is not related to assisting your recovery I will discuss with no other being. I will only discuss with Doctor McCoy those factors that he needs to know in order to assist your Human aspects. There is no reason to fear me, I will do you no harm. You have a unique mind, Spock, with your Human and Vulcan factors working in total harmony and yet maintaining their singularity. It is most fascinating how you have blended the two to be one and yet are clearly able to use them separated from one another. A living single individual showing the true worth of the IDIC we live by. I now must be silent so that I can become one with you."_

Although she had been a healer for over seventy-eight point four one years she had never encountered such a mind. She had heard about and studied the studies done of Spock when he was a young boy and through until he went into the Starfleet Academy and had found it fascinating how he had managed to live with two such different heritages almost constantly warring with each other in him. Although it was not really necessary she went deeper into his mind and saw how he was as a child, as a teenager, and his first years at the Academy. She watched his fight to find a balance between what his father expected, what his mother hoped for, and what he wanted. She marveled at how he had studied and trained his mind to be more logical and analytical than most Vulcans and yet also trained his mind to appreciate art, music, the mystical, and the world of imagination and fantasy as was befitting his Human side.

She was aware she was fortunate to be given such freedom as he was giving her as she had encountered full Vulcans who were less open and revealing to her. There were those years when Spock had felt an outcast from his family, his people, and from Starfleet because he was so different, neither Vulcan nor Human. Years when he had not know who he was not where he belonged till he was put on the Enterprise and under Christopher Pike. Then he showed he had found a place and a reason for being, a chance to learn more and do more and yet there was still a sense of isolation, of being apart from those around him and not a part of the group of people around him. Slowly she saw the wall he had build around himself start to fall when he met Captain Kirk. It was slow but over the years he had slowly lost his fear of trusting Humans, of letting Humans get to know him or think of him as anything but a First Officer. She saw him teaching a female how to play the Vulcan lyre, work on growing Vulcan plants with a younger man, joke with another young man about some Russian phrase spoken in Vulcan, helping a clearly inebriated Mister Scott to his quarters, tease Doctor McCoy about his way of practicing medicine, and paying chess with Kirk.

Just for a moment she paused and stilled the start of a feeling she had not felt in years. It was wrong to be envious of such relationships as he had with these Humans. It was wrong of her to admit to having missed such special connections with others but it was also wrong to deny the existence of such a feeling. She had seen from how the Captain, the Doctor and the Chief Engineer had all looked at Spock. They clearly cared about him as him and not as their First Officer. They cared about him as Spock.

Carefully she continued and was surprised when Spock briefly blocked her access.

_"You must allow me to see this."_

_"No! You ask for what I cannot allow."_

_"Cannot or will not, Spock? Do you not wish to be healed?"_

_"What I wish and what must be are different. I cannot allow you to see."_

_"So you will condemn your," she paused, "your friends to continue to suffer as they do?"_

_"He, I, I cannot allow it."_

_"Allow what, Spock, them to suffer or me to see?_

_"You will see how I dishonored myself as a Vulcan, an officer, but far worse as a friend."_

_"I must see, Spock. You will allow it."_

_"Very well, I ask your forgiveness as it is dishonorable"_

He slowly revealed to her what had happened on the bridge, how he had forcefully pushed Kirk into his chair and held him there saying he would not be responsible for his death after disobeying and order and Kirk saying he was just another subordinate officer under command, telling him to go to hell, and ordering him to say the hell out of his life. Then how Kirk had looked at him after an explosion. Then a black nothingness but the softly constantly repeated _"just another subordinate officer, go to hell, stay the hell out of my life"_ in Kirk's voice.

The look on Kirk's face she had seen on too many faces and with what Spock would have been feeling and sensing at the time. She stopped and said, _"I will leave you in peace for now, Spock. I will return shortly with the others."_

Scott was on his feet as soon as the door opened and knew from the way his left foot felt he had been sitting with it not properly on the floor for some time. "Mister Montgomery Scott, could you please summons Captain Kirk and Doctor McCoy?"

"Certainly. Would ye care for some Vulcan tea?"

"That would be appreciated, thank you for asking."

Scott all but bolted to the comm unit just along the hallway, "Scott, to Captain Kirk."

On the bridge it seemed everything totally stopped as they heard Scott's voice. "Kirk here."

"Could ye and Doctor McCoy come to Mister Spock's quarters and bring some Vulcan tea for the healer?"

Even as he said, "We're on our way." Kirk saw Uhura contact the Rec Room and asked for some Vulcan tea to be delivered to Mister Spock's quarters.

McCoy and Kirk arrived at Spock's quarters and right behind them was an officer carrying a tray with the Vulcan tea, McCoy took the tray and thanked the officer. "We're all thinking about him, Sir." the officer had said and walked away.

It was agony to Kirk to be so close to Spock and not be able to do anything as T'Ryen sipped on the tea and clearly studied him. He wondered what she would be seeing, what she would see, and what she had seen in Spock's mind. Slowly she nodded and set down her cup. "Kirk, I must see your mind, only five events. I believe you have had melds before."

"Yes." Kirk tried to think of the five events, he was sure of two. He took three steps closer to her, "I am ready."

She entered his mind as gently as Spock did only from a different points. He felt her skim over so much and pause at when he first really had a chance to meet and talk with Spock after he had killed Gary Mitchell, how Spock had helped him accept what he had done, she touched on the first time he had verbally lashed out at Spock for being unfeeling, then the time had just been quietly there for him after Edith Keeler died, then the two times he knew to expect: the bridge and the Medical Facility. He wanted to scream out as he saw again that face that kept haunting him, as he heard again that tortured voice, _"This, this is hell. Pain. I am in hell."_ Only she kept him there a bit longer and he heard again the sighed, _"Jim."_

He felt himself being guided to a chair as she eased out of the meld. Only having had do many years of studying Spock did both Kirk and McCoy recognize the expression on T'Ryen's face. It was not good. She poured herself a fresh cup of tea and closed her eyes as she drank it. Kirk and McCoy exchanged glances and knew the other had recognized the signs as well.

T'Ryen had taken the tea only to ground herself after what she had seen and what it reminded her of. Fifty years had passed but it could have been only a few minutes since the last time she had encountered two such beings and had tried to help them. Her efforts to assist had seen one commit suicide and the other spent the last thirty years of their life in a special facility. More experienced healers had told her that there was nothing she could do but she believed she had to try, that she knew better. She would not make that mistake again. She was sure Kirk's friends would ensure he did not kill himself and the best place for Spock would be the special facility on Vulcan. While she sipped on her tea she had noticed how Kirk and McCoy had looked from each other to her and how Scott had come back in and was again sitting by Spock holding his hand.

She also noticed how the novice was watching everything and was pleased, it was rare to be exposed to something like this so early in training. Such a great set of dynamics to study. Then she heard it from the speaker, a song she remembered from ages past being sung in Standard and by a beautiful voice, _"You're from a different place than me, our beliefs may differ it is true, yet as opposite as we two may be, I found a wonderful friend in you."_ she heard more voices joining in,_ "You like it real and I like to dream, yet no matter what we may do, be it or be it not by some scheme, what we have always comes through"_ then she felt what she could only describe as a wave of love flow into Spock's quarters, _"I am outgoing you are more reserved, you see many options I see only two, I've often wondered how I deserved. this special friendship I have with you, this special friendship I have with you."_

Slightly shaken by the intensity of the emotion she had felt and heard in the song she looked at Kirk, "I am very sorry, Captain Kirk but,"

"Captain!" Scott suddenly called out and Kirk looked at him

"Not now Scotty."

"But Sir,"

"Scotty," anger flared in him, T"Ryen was about to tell him that Spock,

"Sir, if ye **shut up** ye will hear he wants ye."

Kirk sat stunned, not because of Scott telling him to shut up but the way he had done it, then he heard, they all heard that voice saying, "Jim? Jim?"

T'Ryen stood stunned, this was not possible. Spock's mind was too far into its own hell to be aware of much and Kirk's so full of self-loathing. It was impossible and yet that was Spock calling out for Kirk. Even as his mind had been sliding into the depths it was in Spock had said 'Jim." This **was** a special bond. As she watched Kirk was quickly by the bed looking down at Spock.

Kirk could not remember taking the dozen steps or so that had been between where he was and the bed, he only became aware of where he was when Scott moved and placed his hand in Spock's then said, "He's here, laddie. He's right here now." the long fingers gripped his hand tightly.

"Jim, meld."

"Yes, Spock. T'Ryen had a meld with me."

"No, Jim, meld **me**."

All her experience and learning told T'Ryen that she should stop what was going to happen and yet it was something she had never heard of, even between two Vulcans. She saw the novice start to comment but shook her head. This was a learning experience for both of them.

Carefully Kirk leaned forward and placed Spock's fingers on his face then felt Spock try to pull away, "No. Danger to you."

"I accept the danger, Spock. I accept the danger."

"Forgive?"

The word cut into him. How the hell could Spock ask him to forgive him when it was all his doing, "There is **nothing** for me to forgive. Can you forgive me?"

"Meld."

Still holding Spock's hands he again placed them in position and closed his eyes.


	22. Chapter 22

There was that familiar feeling, that gentle touch as Spock entered his mind. He was ready for Spock to go back to when he had verbally attacked him on the bridge, back to when U'toga had first come aboard the Enterprise. He needed Spock to see how he had been so unaware of what he was doing, how much he had been controlled by U'Toga and not realized it, not listened to him when he had tried to tell him of U'Toga having ulterior motives. Through the link Kirk was aware of how very weary his friend was, how the meld was taxing him, how he was on the verge of collapse and Kirk was about to tell Spock to stop when Spock softly yet swiftly found when his nightmares had started and removed them, quickly and painlessly removed them then backed out of the meld simply saying, "_Forgive. Jim. T'hy'la."_

While he first experienced a sense of immediate relief and peace Kirk knew he had not known before he was became aware of the total limpness in the hands he still held. Then two hand pulling him away, something said in Vulcan, the name Scott, and then McCoy was facing him.

"Jim, we have to leave, now."

"Leave?" It did not make sense. The meld. Spock.

"T'Ryen needs to help him. She needs Scotty with her. We have to leave them alone to help Spock."

What had happened struck him and he found he could not stand and leaned heavily on McCoy who, with the help of S'Dorn, got him to a chair. He could hear Scotty talking but he was trying to understand what had just happened. Spock had wanted him. Had wanted the meld. Had seemed to urgently want the meld. They had a meld. Spock had taken away those nightmares that had haunted and almost paralyzed him. He had wanted the meld just to do that. Spock had wanted to help him after all he had done. He had called him t'hy'la and left him alone.

That was it. He was alone. For those few moments with Spock in the meld he had again felt whole, he had felt there was another being who knew him as well as he knew himself, and felt complete. Now, now he knew he was alone, **totally alone**.

"I, I have to," he tried to stand.

"Now **you listen to me**, Jim. Scotty is with him and that stubborn Scotsman has been able to that equally stubborn Vulcan with us this long he is not about to let him go. For T'Ryen to have him with Spock you know that she knows that Spock will not let go if Scotty can get him to hold on for some reason and you know that he has been around Spock long enough to know how to get him to hold on even if he has to slightly fabricate a problem with the ship."

Kirk looked into blue eyes that reflected almost the same pain he was feeling, "He, he only wanted the meld **to help me**, Bones. He only melded **to help me**. He didn't give me a chance to say how sorry I am."

"He would know, Jim"

"But **how**, Bones? **How could he know?** He didn't, didn't give me a chance to tell him. He just wanted to meld to help me, **to free me.** He's still in that hell I drove him to and he freed me."

In the momentary silence they heard Scott's steady voice, "He's with McCoy at the moment, laddie. He is okay but ye nae gave him a report on what ye found before the explosion. He'll be needing that report. Ye need a wee rest and then I'll get him and ye can give him a report. Ye know he'll be in serious trouble without ye and the report. Ye know he has to answer to the likes of them admirals and such. Ye just hold on, that's the lad."

T'Ryen's voice sounded slightly surprised for a Vulcan, "The movement of his fingers shows he is aware of your presence and knows you. What is your relationship that he would be so familiar toward you?"

"Ah, if ye go by rules and orders we are shipmates aboard the same craft but I will tell ye and all others that he is kin to me. There is an old saying about a brother from another mother, now that be the Captain and him, most of the senior crew are like cousins, very close cousins. Just as he'd give his life for me I'd nae hesitate to do same for him."

Slowly Kirk calmed himself as Spock had taught him so long ago, stood up and walked to where he could see Spock and would have gone closer but T'Ryen's look stopped him. Then she looked back at Scott and Kirk saw how the fingers him the muscular hand moved.

"Aye, that's the lad. Now, would ye like some of the lime filling? There's still a mite left of it as the lass made ye a good wee measure of it. I'll nae tell McCoy as he'd likely take some." Again the fingers moved.

McCoy walked away from him and took Scott a small amount of some yellowish green substance. He paused briefly before T'Ryen and she took first a disposable spoon McCoy offered her and then a sample of the substance and tasted it nodded and, unusual for any Vulcan Kirk had met, quickly took another scoop, slightly larger. He took the plate to Scott and held it while Scott dipped his index finger into it, "Here ye go laddie, open your mouth a wee bit for me." As the others watched it was clear that Spock was sucking the filling off Scott's fingers each of the eight times it took to clear the last of the substance from the plate. Just as a mother would Scott wiped Spock's face then took his hand again and sat just looking at him.

"Now I'll nae leave ye but ye must rest and the Captain and others must chat about what to do next. Ye just rest and later ye can give the Captain your report. Ye can also tell me how ye fixed that wee problem we had a time back with the strange ticking we had by the dilithim chamber. That's the lad, ye just rest. I'll be right here. Ye just rest and when ye feel up to giving the report I'll get the Captain. I'll nae leave ye."

Kirk looked from the scene to McCoy who shrugged, "Don't ask me how, Jim, but the two have been, as I've said, like that since Spock came out of surgery. There's no way, apart from a medical order from me and a promise that I would not leave him, that Scotty has left him since he came to the ship and before that it was only for the few minutes when another office was with him so Scotty could relieve himself and freshen up a bit. When he thinks Spock is awake or aware he is talking, when he thinks Spock is sleeping he just sits there holding his hand.

"Has he always held his hand thus," T'Ryen's voice made both of them aware that she and the novice were still there. "with Spock's hand resting on his?"

"Yes, is that of significance?"

"It shows he respects Spock's right to decide by making Spock the dominant one, the one who had his hand on top. He is the one to first communicate with Spock in this manner?"

"We were away when the explosion happened but Mister Scott was here with Spock. He has been with Spock since Spock came out of surgery by people who had never worked on a Vulcan let along a Vulcan/Human and apparently it was noticed how much better his readings were after Mister Scott charged into the intensive care room he was in and held his hand."

"Was there no action taken to remove him?"

McCoy shook his head for a moment then looked directly at her and Kirk saw how his friend asked, "What action would you take if you believed a person was pointing a phaser at you?"

"He went into Spock's room, an intensive care room, with a fully charged weapon?"

"He was not going to let anybody remove him once he finally got to Spock. It was an inoperable weapon but only Mister Scott knew that, the others, like you, just assumed that the phaser was fully charged and operational."

For a long time T'Ryen again just stood looking at Scott holding Spock's hand in a way Kirk ached as he had seen Spock watch something he found of interest, then at Kirk.

"Captain Kirk, are you familiar with the Vulcan term t'hy'la and all that it implies?"

Kirk nodded, "Spock fully explained it to me."

"Has he called you thus?"

"Yes."

"I know melds are deeply personal but did he call you t'hy'la in the meld you just had?"

"Yes."

Again she was quiet as she stood looking at Spock and Scott, slowly nodding, "They are very good friends but not t'hy'la. I would have thought they were as he has always been with him. I believe Doctor McCoy told me that he risked his future within Starfleet when he refused to rejoin the Enterprise saying his loyalty was with Spock."

"There was a discussion but it was due to Mister Scott not officially lodging his request to remain with Mister Spock."

"He who is not Spock's t'hy'la risked his future to stay with him, why did you not stay as well?"

"I had orders."

"Did Mister Scott not also have orders that he disregarded?"

"Yes, but,"

T'Ryen looked back at him, "Ahh, the Human way of not wanting to answer a question directly. So many excuses Humans start with that word 'but'. Can you not just say either he did nor he did not."

"He did."

"And yet he disobeyed those orders knowing it could mean he could be severely punished for doing so?"

"Yes."

Again she looked at Scott and Spock and then back at him, into him, explaining when they know into him, "You **know** what a t'hy'la is, **what it means to a Vulcan** to call someone that and yet **you abandoned him** when he needed you more than a Human could ever know. You attacked both his Human side and his Vulcan side by your attack on his loyalty as well as his emotions and his emotions when you sent him away and made no attempt to see him or ascertain his condition. You abandoned him. With your words and actions you almost destroy his very being yet he melded to help you, one he still thinks of as his t'hy'la. You damaged his mind, something so special to Vulcans, and he still thinks of you as t'hy'la. You were away when the explosion occurred and returned but then you left him. He was in need of your presence and you left him.** You left him.** You showed him he that to you he truly is just another **subordinate officer**."

She was quiet for a moment and Kirk felt like he had been repeatedly phaser stunned. For a healer she knew how to reach the right places to open not so old wounds. As he tried to gather himself he realized she was right, she was so right. He had abandoned him. He had treated him like a subordinate officer. He had been weak and let U'toga influence him, he had ignored Spock's attempts of warning him. He had abandoned one who had shed tears and blood with him, somebody who had seen him in deep depression as was a extremely euphoric. She was right, he had destroyed the one being that really made his life worth living and yet that being, in that hell, had thought of him.

"James Tiberius Kirk, you are to leave this room and not return until I do." In the corridor she paused and looked at him, "I will rest and return for your answer to this," she seemed to be looking into him, deep into him the way Spock could, "**What is he to you?**"


	23. Chapter 23

James Kirk found himself sitting at the desk in his quarters with McCoy handing him a cup of coffee and talking softly to him, "Now you just sit for a minute, Jim. Your systems have had a shock. One you might rightly need but still a shock."

"She, she, T'Ryne was right. **I abandoned him, Bones.** He needed me and, and I left him. I was still so enraptured by what U'Toga had made me remember, the thrill of having the power of command of a captain. I was as far under the spell of U'Toga as the crew was by the spores on Omicron Ceti III, but I was the only one and could not see it. I did not stop to think of why I was acting as I was. Violence did not stop it, as I was capable of violence, violence I aimed at Spock. Spock, of all people. He would correct me when I lashed out at one of the crew I thought had not preformed well and I would flare at him. What I said to him. How I said it. After all that he wanted to meld for was to take my nightmares away. I did all that to him and all he thought about was **saving me** from my nightmares. He, he did not give me a chance to say how sorry I am, he just, **he just wanted to free me**." he drained a second cup of coffee and got up and started to pace.

"Jim, sit down. You need,"

"**What I need**," he turned and looked at McCoy and saw the concern on his friend's face, "**is him**. I need him to be in my life. I need him to somehow forgive me and be back in my life. But how, how can expect him to forgive me? What right do I have to expect it?"

"Jim, this t'hy'la thing. It really has you,"

"He said it as he slipped out of my mind with all those nightmares. In that one word he called me his soul-mate and life-long companion after I had done what I did to him, what I said to him, how, how I abandoned him. I had, Bones. I had abandoned him and got entranced by that feeling I had once had. I had treated him like a subordinate officer. I left him when he needed me and all he could do was think of taking away my nightmares. And now T'Ryen wants me to say what he is to me."

Kirk sat and dragged a hand through his hair, then looked at the blue eyes so intent on him, "**How the hell do I tell her he is life to me**? You know, Bones. You know how he is who makes me the person I am, he makes me want to be more than I am as a being, he encourages me to think on so many levels. You've seen how we are, how he is the other half of me. And you saw how he tried to keep me from believing what U'Toga was saying. I had lashed out at all of you and Spock had talked back to me, defending all of you and I had lashed out even more at him time and time again because of it. Then, even when he pushed me back into my seat I still attacked him. That was when I really hurt him."

"Don't, Jim. Don't bring all that back, just think of what he does mean to you, not to Captain James T. Kirk. I think that is why she used your name and not your rank. She wants you to tell her what he means to you as you and **not a starship captain**."

"**Dammit, Bones, that's why I need him**. He reminds me to be me. He makes me be me whenever I have trouble getting out of that 'Captain Kirk' state. He brings out the boy, the man, and the Human in me. He accepts me as me, Jim Kirk, flaws and all even when I do something totally Human that possibly offends him he accepts me. I can tell him things I know nobody else will ever know about it. You two are about the only two I feel I can actually freely express my emotions before, they only ones I can scream or cry in front out knowing I am not going to be judged. I need him to keep me sane, grounded, and, forgive me Spock, Human. Him being in my life lets me know I am of worth, that I have value as who I am. He reminds me that I am more than Captain James T. Kirk, the youngest man to captain a starship, that I am really Jim Kirk, the man who likes the ladies and adventure yet also likes solitude and home and the man who is very Human with all the trappings that comes with that species. He means life and living to me. Without him I, I just exist."

"Then **that is what you tell her**. Forget all that holier-than-thou claptrap about what you feel and think as a Starfleet captain. Tell her about how he makes you feel about being Jim Kirk. In the meantime have a nap and I will wake you up in time to have something to eat before she comes back."

"Bones I have,"

"As your doctor and your friend I am telling you to have a nap and a snack, Jim. At the moment that is all that matters. It won't help him if you collapse on us now will it?"

One of the things Kirk hated was when McCoy was right and he knew his friend was right about needing to sleep and having something to eat. "Okay, Bones. You make sure I have something to eat before she comes back and not one of your 'it-is-good-for-you' things."

"Okay."

As he lay down on his bed Kirk thought of his friend not so far away and hoped he was also getting some sleep and that T'Ryen could help him. It was very obvious that she had seen what had happened, what he had done to Spock and how much he had hurt him. What else had she seen? What if she had seen Spock no longer wanted him in his life? What if she had seen how much different, possibly better by Vulcan standards, Spock's life could be without him in it? What if, as Sarek had once implied, he was really holding Spock back from being all he could be? Then he heard the echo of Spock's voice calming him as he had so long ago with the words "_Jim, there are far too many variables both unknown and not considered to waste time and energy in questioning what might or might not be in our futures. The best we can do is live each day as best we can believing we will have a tomorrow and that it will show us how best to progress."_

For the first time in a long time Kirk slept with no nightmares and when he woke he knew it was because of what Spock had done. He did not know if he should be furious, mad, or grateful for what he had done for Spock had asked for the meld just to do that, to take away the nightmares. From that hell he had put him in Spock had thought only of him and taking away his nightmares, of making sure he was okay.

When he work McCoy was sitting at his desk looking at him, "Now before you ask Spock is still with us and sleeping. He woke earlier and Scotty gave him more of that lime filling. He said "Re' and Scotty told him to wait till you were there if he was thinking of giving a report as he would not remember it all. Here's some scrambled eggs on toast and coffee." Kirk walked to the desk and sat down, suddenly feeling ravenous. McCoy smiled to himself when he say his friend eat, it was a good sign and he silently thanked Spock for he knew that what that blasted Vulcan had done had helped their friend, "T'Ryen is due in forty minutes which gives you time to enjoy that, freshen up, and meet us in Spock's quarters." He started for the door.

"Bones," Kirk looked at McCoy as he stood in the open doorway, "**I won't let her take him.**"

"Jim, you have to know,"

"She will not take him off my ship. I will stop her."

"Is," McCoy stepped back into the door and the door shut behind him, "Is this Jim Kirk talking or Captain James T Kirk?"

"Both. The Captain will keep his crew together and Jim will not let her take his friend. The friend means more than the crewman. I won't let her take him away, I won't."

"Jim, you have to know that as a Vulcan healer she does have, in this case by Starfleet orders, the final decision. Spock is half-Vulcan and it is that half that is the cause of his condition and therefore comes under the Non-Human Species Clause. You think I would willingly let her take him if there were any, any way at all I could help him? It is ripping me to pieces thinking of him in one of their special facilities. Whatever she is going to do to him today has to work, has to pull him back to us."

Kirk nodded. As much as he did not want to go he knew he had to so he had a quick sonic shower, pulled on a fresh uniform, and looked at McCoy who had patiently waited, "Ready?"

"No but let's go and get it over with."

Kirk smiled at him, "You could have put it better, you know?"

"I know but did not feel like it."

They walked to Spock's quarters, both thinking along the same lines and feeling the same uncertainty.

Before she left the room she had been given T'Ryen sat in meditation for the third time as she found there was conflict. Spock needed much more care than his Human friends could give him and belonged in a facility that would be so alien to him and the care he was used to. She remembered the last time she had tried to assist just two so different as Captain Kirk was to Spock and realized that this was decidedly different as then it was just a connection between two and with this now it seemed it was the ship's complement had a connection with Spock. Not as substantial and deep as their connection but a connection none the less as she had felt several hundred individuals singing that song with almost a unity of emotion. She had seen how the Doctor, the Chief Engineer and the Captain were the main ones with him, had felt the wariness yet also almost a pleading in the way the Engineer had looked at her. What was it he had said, "_most of the senior crew are like cousins, very close cousins. Just as he'd give his life for me I'd nae hesitate to do same for him_." She had no doubt he would give his life for Spock, just as she knew the Doctor would as would Kirk.

Kirk. That look on his face she had seen in Spock's mind. Overflowing with two emotions that had plunged Spock deeper into his own version of what Humans call hell. There had been so much pure unconditional love and such deep self-loathing: far more than an injured mind like Spock's could deal with. There had to be a way to bring him back. She knew at the facility he would be cared for but not treated as he was here, he would not be as well looked after as he was here but he was classified as Vulcan and could be taken there if there was no way he could be returned to the duties he was assigned to do on the Enterprise. He would want to be on the Enterprise. It was his home, his family, just as it had been ten years, eight months, three weeks, and ten days ago.

She closed her eyes and thought of that time, those few moments, oddly thankful that he clearly did not remember her nor recall their meeting. She and ten other healers from various planets were returning to Vulcan and their craft was captured in a tractor beam and they were taken to Waner-Seven, a mining outpost, and each woman was. No. She would not think of that nor of how she had been, apart from having Human blood smeared on her face, when a young clearly Vulcan officer in a Starfleet uniform pulled the huge Human male off her, quickly throwing an odorous blanket to cover her naked body, before he receive several serious blows while managing to keep the male away from her, only to be caught in the crossfire of phasers on heavy stun. A Captain Christopher Pike had helped her from under the blanket and she had seen green blood on him, he had smiled, "Spock is a fine officer with potential once he learns to follow orders a bit better although often, like now, his actions were the right ones. He has a few very minor injuries and was accidentally phaser stunned. Now, your people are waiting for you. This will not go on his record but I will talk to him about it." he had helped her into her robe as her assailant had left her robe intact but had ripped off her other clothing and she had allowed him to assist her to where the others were.

_His actions were the right ones._ That was the sensation she had from what Kirk's mind had shown her. Spock's actions, even if they were not approved by his Captain, were the right ones. He saved the ship and countless lives and then, although it endangered his own life, he had a mind meld with his Captain to take away the man's nightmares.

T'hy'la, that was what Spock had called Kirk. How could he call such a man, one who would attack, abuse, and abandon him as Kirk had done, his t'hy'la? She stilled herself and recalled what she had heard Engineer Scott say as he talked to Spock while she was with the others, "_Tis how I think of us, Mister Spock, the seven of us are very close cousins, almost brothers with Uhura our sister, and the rest are still a part of the family but nae near as close as us. I'm nae leaving ye. I'm right here, laddie_."

She realized a part of her was smiling at the term "l_addie_" for clearly Mister Spock was an adult and not a lad. The word was a term of endearment she had read of somewhere but not heard it used as such. Clearly they were as close as they had discussed earlier for Mister Scott would not be aware she was carrying on a conversation with Kirk but could also hear what he was saying. And the way he had helped Spock with that lime mixture reflected their closeness for one does not usually lick substances off another's fingers nor does one offer to allow another to lick substances off their fingers.

Yes, there had to be a way to bring Spock back as she knew if she had to take him from this ship, these people, it would destroy a part of them. Clearly, as she remembered how Spock had gripped hands, there was a connection with the present, he did want to stay, and yet he was hesitant. That recurring echo in his Captain's voice, "_just another subordinate officer, go to hell, stay the hell out of my life_" and Kirk not visiting him made him feel unwanted, unnecessary, and worthless to the one he thought of as his t'hy'la. Yet he held on to life, on to Mister Scott's hand as though not wanting to let go of this life, this man. No, not this man, this friend.

As she entered Spock's quarters Kirk and McCoy had not arrived and Scott was giving Spock more of the lime substance. He had smiled at her, "There is more over there if ye would like some. I've had a wee bit but mostly the lad here has. If ye like I can get ye some Vulcan tea."

"No tea, thank you, but I will have some of that lime. It has a distinctive taste and does not taste reconstituted."

"Nae, the lass who made specially it for Mister Spock got some real limes at the last Starbase and made it for him."

"She knew him that well?"

"Ye'd be doing the devil's own job ta find a soul on the ship who does nae know him and something about the lad's likes and dislikes. Oh, ye may hear the moaner here and there about him as a task master but they soon see tis his way of making them better."

The novice had obediently fetched her a small serving of the lime substance and Scott looked at him, "Ye have some too if ye is allowed, lad. Plenty there." T'Ryen nodded and the novice quickly got himself a small portion and it was clear that he liked the taste of it.

They had finished the lime substance when Kirk and McCoy walked in. T'Ryne saw how the both looked immediately not at her but at Scott and saw him give a slight nod. Kirk then looked at her: she could see he was trying to control his emotions, that he wanted to go and be with Spock.

"Well, Captain Kirk, before I say or do anything else what is your answer to my question about your relationship with Mister Spock?"


	24. Chapter 24

For perhaps a moment longer than he should have Kirk kept looking at how Mister Scott had Spock looking so peaceful, so relaxed. What was it Scotty had said about their relationship, _brothers by different mother_s. How right he was. Spock was his brother in all ways but blood.

Slowly he turned and looked at T'Ryen, "If I remember correctly your question was **not about our relationship** **but what he means to me**. **What he means to me, **Healer T'Ryen**, is life.** That is why I need him in my life. He makes me feel, be, alive. He reminds me so often to be myself, to forget the uniform and **be ****who ****I ****am**. He brings out the boy, the youth, the man, and that oh so Human part of me. He accepts me as I am and helps me accept myself as I am, flaws and all. Even when I do something totally Human that possibly offends him he accepts me. He helps me be less afraid of change by reminding me it is the essential process of all existence. He helps me face things that everything in me is saying to either flee from or ignore." For a moment Kirk looked again at Spock, "I can tell him things I know** nobody else** will ever know about it. He is who I can freely express my emotions before, who I can uninhibitedly rant and rage, laugh hysterically, or cry from the depths of my being and know I am going to be supported and in no way criticized or judged."

**"I need him to keep me sane, grounded, and,** forgive me Spock, **Human**. He lets me know in so many ways that he thinks of me not so much as Captain James T. Kirk, the youngest man to captain a starship and an officer with so many citations and commendations, but as Jim Kirk. the man who likes the ladies and adventure yet also likes solitude and home and the man who is so very Human with all the trappings that comes with that species. He lets me know in so many ways that I am of worth, I have value as who I, Jim Kirk, am at my core. He is the only being who can, with just one look, raised eyebrow, or slight change in posture allay my fears, reassure me, make me question myself about whatever I am about to say or do, help me to see a situation better, make me laugh at a situation and myself, and show me so much love, loyalty, and trust. As I have so thoroughly realized over these last few days, days that have seemed a lifetime, without him in my life I, I just exist, I go through the motions of living, do the tasks expected of me as a starship captain, but I am not really alive. We had a time when the ship was run by a highly advanced computer and after the test Spock said to me that computers make excellent and efficient servants, but that he had no wish to serve under them. Healer T'Ryen, **without him I am like a computer**, no real life only a cold existence. To me he means life and so much, much more."

Slowly Kirk walked to stand at the entry to the sleeping area to see Spock better then turned and looked at T'Ryen, noticing how she was really studying him, "As for my relationship with Spock I swear before all the known and unknown gods that there is no way I will ever treat him as I just have. If there were some way we could trade places right now I would do it in less than a heartbeat When I took over captaincy of the ship he was already aboard and it took an incident or two for me to really start to know him. Our relationship started as strictly officers and gradually I saw beneath that emotionless facade and he saw behind the image and we saw each other as we really are and a unique friendship started. When I fully realized what my actions had done to him I would have gladly taken his place from the moment my actions had any adverse impact on him. **I feel ashamed and so totally unworthy of being his t'hy'la.** How, how could he still consider me, still call me his soul-mate and life-long companion after I had done what I did to him, what I said to him, and how," for a moment, to prevent himself from being too emotional in front of this healer, he closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths, "how I abandoned him?"

For a moment there was silence as Kirk struggled within himself to stay calm when every fiber of his being wanted him to rush to Spock and somehow make him understand, somehow get him to forgive his human vanity and stupidity that U'Toga so expertly used against the two of them. Centering himself at his core as Spock had taught him over the years Kirk looked at T'Ryen, "I ask forgiveness for my emotional outburst. As Spock would say it is a most Human aspect of me. It is just that he means more than I can express in any form and there is no way I can reach him, help him, let him know how I feel. It is like a slow death to know I have no way to reach him, to reach his mind and tell him, show him what he really means to me and what this, knowing I caused all this, is doing to me." He glanced at Spock then back at T'Ryen, looked her in the eyes, "Healer T'Ryen, I have other people on this ship, like Mister Scott and Doctor McCoy, that I am close friends with but I can say here and now, before you and those present who know me, that **I would prefer death to living without him in my life for without him there is no life for me.**"

Slowly T'Ryen walked over to stand beside Spock's bed and briefly, as she looked down, saw a youth who took on a man to protect her. She knew he had not recognized her but she knew she would have known him anywhere and, to a certain extent, that was why she had come. There was another healer who could have come, a younger healer who told her that it would be of great interest to study Spock as he was known to most healers from papers written on the Human/Vulcan child. In all her years and in dealings with Humans she had never seen or heard a male speak and show so much raw emotion as Kirk had just done. When she had touched Spock's mind she had seen and felt the depths of his feelings for Kirk and that was why he was in the condition he was in. He was almost trapped by the conflicting emotions and she could only think of one way to help him and Kirk who was also almost trapped by his emotions. She would have to be careful and be honest when she melded again with Spock to find a way of getting him to let Kirk use her to meld with him. Kirk lacked the ability to meld on his own and she was not certain if, in his state, Spock could manage to assist Kirk to meld. She would be the conduit and not be aware of what was said

"Kirk, I will see if Spock will permit you to use me to meld with him. I will not be aware of what transpires during the meld, of what is said or seen by either of you, I will merely be your connection with Spock's mind. You have to agree before I ask Spock."

It was all Kirk could do not to hug her with thanks but he nodded, "I, I more than agree. I mean yes, I agree."

"Should he agree you will place your hands under mine and concentrate. I will give Spock a word to use when the link is formed and when it is to end. It will be a Vulcan word that you would not understand or be able to pronounce but it is used at such times. Should he agree I will say to you the word 'Enter.'"

Mister Scott said, "Laddie, I have ta leave ye for a bit as the healer wants ta see if she can help ye get fully back ta us. I'll be near if ye need me. I"ll take McCoy with me as ye need this alone. I'll be near."

T'Ryen did not miss how the long fingers gripped Scott's hand not how the man just gave it a pat with his other hand so the long fingers were briefly between the thicker fingers. "Tis fine, laddie, I'll be near." Scott gave her a nod as he left and nodded at McCoy to follow him.

McCoy looked first at Scott then at Kirk, "He's right, Jim. You need to be alone for this. We will be nearby. All the best. This has to work."

"It will, Bones. I do not know what I will do if, if,"

"**Don't think that**. **Don't you dare let him know you think that.**"

As he watched T'Ryen reach out and initiate the meld Kirk felt a conflict in himself between the hope that Spock would accept the meld and a fear that that last meld, the meld Spock had done to remove his nightmares, was the last time he would feel that gentle touch, would feel that radiating love and acceptance. When he had said that he would rather be dead than not having Spock in his life had been a truth he had known for some time but had never voiced. The longer he waited the more he was convinced that Spock did not want him. He remembered how Spock had asked for a healer. Spock would have to, he shook his head at the thought, Spock would have to have a healer remove him from his mind, would have to have a healer remove not so much him but what he meant to Spock apart from being his commanding officer. A healer could and would remove, "_Don't you dare let him know you think that_." Surely it could not take so long to explain the situation to Spock? It had to be taking all that time to remove from Spock all that they were. For a moment he closed his eyes trying to prepare himself. He had caused this, he had done this to his other half and himself.

It seemed to be a voice from far away and it was not until he heard his name a second time he realized it was T'Ryen.

* * *

A/N - Yikes - that part about the computer took me back to when that episode first aired way back in 1968. . . . Where has the time gone?


	25. Chapter 25

"Kirk. Come."

Slowly, almost fearfully, he walked over to where she stood and quickly looked at the bed.. Spock appeared to be sleeping, more at peace, relaxed. Then he looked back at T'Ryen.

"He rests. I felt a **deep longing** in him to reconnect with you but also an **equally as great fear** of again being hurt by you, of being rejected by you, the one being who meant the most to him, to his very existence. When you told him that he should go to hell, that you did not want to ever see or hear from him again, said that he was just another subordinate officer, and ordered him to stay the hell our of your life, did you mean it?".

"I was under," she held up a hand and he knew there was no excuse. His mind registered '**meant**'. Past tense. He wanted to correct her, wanted to say she meant to say 'means' the present tense but knew that Vulcans were exact in their use of words. Past tense.

"For some time before saying that to him you had had hostile words with him as he would stop you when you spoke unjustly to your crew, correct?"

"Yes." Hostile was a polite term for the words he had said to Spock about what U'Toga made him think was undermining his authority.

"So, when you said those words to him you meant them and they were the last words you said to him on the ship?"

"Yes." He had not seen Spock after that on the ship, he had never asked about him nor gone to see him.

"You made no attempt to see him nor did you inquire after him until he was in the Medical Facility did you?"

It was not accusatory as Kirk knew it would have been from a Human but a direct question to clarify what had happened so that T'Ryen knew exactly what had taken place.

"No." That night when he had felt or heard Spock call out his name and then t'hy'la in pain and farewell. He wanted to scream at T'Ryen to stop as it was too painful to remember how he had treated Spock but knew he had to be quiet and let her confirm what she had gathered from Spock.

"Later you would not allow him to give you his report and, even later, you ignored him when he said not to go to him?"

"True." Spock had wanted to give his report but he had stopped him as to him it was not necessary. He also remembered hearing the "No!" and knew it was an order and yet he had been so sure he could fix things, that by going to him he could get things back to how they were, how they should be. Both times he had thought about what he wanted and not what Spock wanted. Both times it had been as though what Spock wanted was not important, as though he really was just another subordinate officer.

Spock had shown or told her everything. Hearing it relayed and questioned as T'Ryen was doing made him feel more alone and frightened than ever. He had done all that to his friend, he had almost systematically destroyed the most important relationship he had ever had and had so severely hurt the most precious person in his life. He had let himself be controlled to such an extent that he had so deeply hurt the one being who had meant more than his own life.

What was it T'Ryen had said she had sensed? "_A deep longing in him to reconnect with you but also a a great fear of again being hurt by you, of being rejected by you, the one being who meant the most to him, to his very existence._" Spock **feared** being close to him again. For Spock to actually acknowledge he feared something, that he had such emotions, to another Vulcan, and a healer at that, was testimony to the damage he had done. In all the years he had known Spock the man had never admitted to being afraid of anything. He was curious or trying to find the logic or reasoning for a situation but he had never said he was afraid. That, that look on Spock's face when he had rushed into the room on the Medical Facility after Spock had called out. That look was a look of terror, fear, joy, relief and so many usually controlled emotions all converging at once in him and he could not process them quickly enough not to be caught in an emotional maelstrom he could not escape from and that constantly assaulted his Vulcan side.

T'Ryen stood watching Kirk for six point eight three standard minutes after he had admitted that he had ignored Spock's request for him not to go to him. She could see that the Human was in as much torment as Spock. Truly they were t'hy'la as one was a reflection of the other. Each was willing to suffer and die for the other. As she looked at Kirk she wondered if they were equally as willing to live for each other. She had witnessed several such melds between Vulcans where both had wanted the meld but not been able to live with what they had done to the other and had died. She had seen several such melds where the two remained in their own hells. She had seen only one such meld where the two returned to the relationship they had had before only more intense because of having seen how their actions really affected their t'hy'la, but that had been between two Vulcans. She had been a conduit for several melds but had no experience as a conduit for a meld between a non-Vulcan and a Vulcan hybrid. She had explained the dangers to Spock and he had said it was up to Kirk, that he trusted him to make the correct decision for them both.

"Kirk, I must tell you there is danger for you and Spock with the meld you both request. There is danger that you might die or that you might remain as you are. Should it be successful you will find your relationship is more intense, that you are more aware of one another, that the small link you already have is stronger."

"Does, does Spock know?"

"He requested me to tell you and to tell you that he would understand and accept whatever decision you made. I was to remind you that you are Human and this meld will not be pleasant for you during the actual meld."

She watched Kirk look at Spock for a moment, saw how he seemed to study to silent form then looked back at her, "Will, will it cause him any more pain?"

"There will only be more pain for him if you are unable to control your emotions. In such a meld as this will be he will feel more deeply what you are feeling. As a conduit I will not see, hear, nor feel what transpires. Once I have the meld established Spock knows what words will block me from the meld and what will end the meld. He asked me to give you a word so that should you wish to you can end the meld and your word is 'Checkmate'".

From how Kirk had flinched what Spock had said about him understanding what it meant was clear. She nodded. It meant a position from which there was no escape as well as game over.

Spock was aware of the great turmoil within him caused by multiple situations but knew that he could no longer fight on so many fronts nor on so many levels. It was not all to do with the events on the Enterprise, with Captain Kirk and the Galvainian representatives nor the explosion in the Enterprise and the medical care he had received before first Mister Scott and then Doctor McCoy were able to tell the doctors how best to treat his many physical injuries, but also with that ever-present between this Vulcan side and his Human side. He was aware that Healer T'Ryen had melded with him and he had exhausted most of his strength forming that short meld with Jim Kirk to take away his nightmares as they would have a negative impact on his ability to command and his basic comfort in living. As he had felt himself slipping he had been able to tell Jim Kirk what he was to him in just one word reserved by Vulcans for very a special being in their life.

Then T'Ryen was back in his mind, not letting him go any more than Mister Scott was. While Mister Scott let him know he was cared about, no, it was more, he was loved and cared about by him and so many others he felt no desire to remain as the reason for his life did not need or care about him, Jim Kirk had even come into the room after he had said no, obviously to see if he had gone to hell. T'Ryen had told him how Jim Kirk also had no desire to live without him in his life, how he claimed to feel like a computer without him there, a computer just doing its's job. Daystrom. M-5. _Computers make excellent and efficient servants, but I have no wish to serve under them._ Too many contradicting things in his mind. Family by blood on Vulcan and other form of family on Enterprise. Wanting to be with Kirk yet afraid as he had seen that Kirk had meant what he had said.

Again T'Ryen had melded with him and said that Kirk wished to explain so much and, if he would allow Kirk to meld through her, he could stop the meld at any time using one word. He had heard of such melds, where a healer would act as a conduit and have no knowledge of what was seen or discussed in the meld and commence and end it with one word from the patient or the other party. He thought of Jim Kirk's Human mind and knew there was every possibility that he might not be able to deal with or cope with all that he would see so he asked that Kirk be given a word as well which T'Ryen would know meant he wanted to end the meld. He selected a word he knew that Jim Kirk would know meant it was over. Jim Kirk would know that to T'Ryen it would mean to end the meld but that to them it would mean much more.

For a moment anger flashed through Kirk, anger and shame. **How dare** Spock want to give him a way out of the meld! Surely Spock knew how much he wanted the meld. Then he stopped and realized he was just thinking of **what he wanted** and not how Spock might see it. T'Ryen had said there was a great fear in Spock of being hurt again by him. Spock, in the hell he was in, had again thought of him and how he might want to get out of the meld for any odd Human reason. So many times he had done things and when he had seen an eyebrow arch he had simply said he done it because it was a Human reaction.

**Checkmate**. A chill ran through Kirk. Spock was using it as a code word for T'Ryen as well as him. Checkmate meant there was no way to move, that it way the end of the game. To T'Ryen it would mean he wanted to stop the meld with Spock and to Spock it would signify the end of what they had. Spock was letting him decide what happened to their relationship or what was left of their relationship. In that short meld they had had Spock had not given him a chance to say anything as he had only wanted the meld to take away his nightmares, his fears. He wanted to cuss Spock out for doing this to him, for making him decide and yet in all their years together Spock had largely followed his lead, had never sought to be the leader although, Kirk smiled as he thought of different outings and situations, Spock was not backwards in questioning the leader and he knew, at his core, that Spock would have been the better leader.

He looked at T'Ryen, "I will do my best to control my emotions but I must let him know how I feel, what I feel about what I have done to him, what I feel about him, about us."

"You will, as I have said, wait until I say 'Enter' at which time you will slide your hands under mine so that both my fingertips and your fingertips are touching him in the same area at the same time. I know it is the Human thing to wish the other person good luck I will just say that I hope that you both find and get that which you seek from the meld."

T'Ryen turned and went back to where Spock lay and after a few minutes said, "Enter." He carefully slid his hands under her's and placed his fingertip as close to her's as he could and waited for that familiar feeling.


	26. Chapter 26

At first he had not recognized the voice as it did not sound like his. It sounded like a terrified and very frightened child calling out in the dark. But then he recognized it as Spock's and fought to control his emotions. To have Spock so afraid of him, of the meld, was almost more than he could stand. To know he had so abused his other half so badly made him hesitate then he heard it again, "Jim? Pain. Jim?"

Another part of his brain suddenly ordered him to breath in to the count of ten and out to the count of twelve and he felt his control return "Yes, I am here, Spock. I am so, so sorry but I must see what I,"

"No. Too much pain. Human emotion. You did not believe. Sent away. In hell."

Kirk wondered if he could have hurt Spock even more. The emotion in the words tore at him. "Show me, Spock. Please show me so I can understand." He hesitated for a moment. "Spock, I'm so sorry but I need to see."

"You, you did."

"I know and I am so sorry, Spock." He was aware he was feeling a deep pain not he own. An almost overpowering pain.

"You but not you. Don't understand. You said and meant. Not you but you. Confusion. Pain."

"Spock, I was not myself. I am so sorry for what I said and did to you."

"We, we share?"

"Yes, Spock, yes. I need, we need to see to understand so we never do this again. I will show you how it was for me and then you show me. I never meant to hurt you. I am so sorry."

"I, too am sorry. I was weak. All my fault."

"No." Controlling his emotions was becoming a struggle as he realized that Spock had thought it all his own fault for being weak. "No, Spock. It was me, Spock. It was all my fault. I will show you how weak I was. All this is because of me."

Slowly Jim showed him how he had been so captivated by the interest U'Toga had shown in his career, in him, that he was not aware of how U'Toga was slowly taking over his mind. He was not aware of how he was treating the crew as U'Toga had told him he was being a proper captain, being the captain that he was famous for being. It had been U'Toga who had encouraged him to be as he was, whose words had blinded him to what his actions were doing to the others. He had felt real anger and hatred towards him when Spock had pushed him into the Comm and had not understood when he had said he would not be responsible for his death. With all that anger and frustration he had said words that were not his _you are just another subordinate officer under my command I don't want to ever see you or hear from you again. Go! Go on! Get off my bridge and stay the hell out of my life!_ The feeling that he had at that moment was not his own, it was of a puppet of U'Toga's who looked like him but was a megalomaniac and who ignored the hurt he saw about Spock but rejoiced in being in control, having command. Not once did he acknowledge that they were not his words.

Then finding out the truth about U'Toga and the explosion shattering the illusion he had been living in. Suddenly realizing how he had been controlled, used. Feeling sick, scared, weak, incomplete, frightened, and so ashamed of himself knowing he had done things, said things, to Spock he would never have thought he would ever do or say to him. Being aware of Sulu taking him to McCoy. The pure torment of not knowing if his closest friend would live or die. The frustration of being kept from him. Hearing him call out for him to help and charging in despite hearing the word NO. Seeing the fear in the dark eyes. Seeing Spock so afraid of him. All the nightmares. The realization that he was the cause of what had happened The anger that followed the meld when he had been freed of the nightmares and not been given a chance to explain. Spock now knew. He felt free, relieved that he had been able to show Spock what he had experienced, to show him that he alone was to blame. Then there had been the significance of the code word.

"I, I was the cause, Spock. I caused this and am so sorry I was so weak."

"No, Jim. I should have been able to stop it. I was not strong enough. **I failed you.**"

Then slowly the images came, and with them feelings not his, feelings that Spock had experienced. A terrifying cauldron of polarized emotions swirling every faster and seeming to continuously clamoring for dominance. It was a different meld, it was like he was Spock as he saw how Spock was so sure U'Toga had clearly studied his history as he knew what to say to gain his trust, the way Spock was suspicious of him from the start, the way U'Toga had kept him isolated from the bridge crew by monopolizing his time, by making him feel as he had when he first became a captain, by making him feel that as a captain he was above his crew, that the crew was there to just do as ordered and not ask questions. He felt the pain and guilt Spock would not admit to every time he had checked Spock when he had defended the action of the others by saying he should remember his place as he was just the First Officer and not the Captain. Each time any of the bridge crew made the slightest error or took what U'Toga made him think was too long he would unjustly rage at them and Spock would immediately try to calm the situation, would make it seem his fault only to have him forget the other officer and rage that he was again forgetting his place. It angered him more and he would rant at Spock like somebody possessed, which he had been, and treat him like an imbecile, and an insubordinate officer.

Through the meld Kirk felt the pain, the confusion and uncertainty and the concern towards him and the others that Spock would never give voice to. He felt the pain to his core, the pain Spock felt every time he had flared at him about him interfering in matters that related to the other officer and not him, the times he would go off with U'Toga to show him areas of the ship and Spock would question the wisdom of it only to have him saying that he was the captain and for Spock to remember his place, and then finally when Spock had tried to get him to think, to realize that something was wrong and he had told him to go to hell. The shock of what had been said hurt like molten metal being poured over him and Kirk wondered how Spock had survived it. Weeks of no contact confirmed that his captain no longer cared about him and only added to the great confusion and great pain. He had been wrong to think it was not Jim when it was but it had not felt like him. It had felt wrong but that was his human, illogical side. To think he thought that he had been abandoned by one he trusted. Memories of how he had been mistreated by the Humans at the Academy and before that children at school for having Human blood.. Kirk saw that there was a part of Spock that believed U'Toga had some power over him and yet he had seen and heard how Kirk had meant what he had said: the emotions, the words, the posture had been real. The inner conflict. Go to hell. He had gone to te brig. Jim never came. Jim was gone. Jim left him. Another subordinate officer. Jim had abandoned him. Confusion as cannot reach Jim. Jim was not Jim.

Then the work with Scott to find what felt wrong with the Enterprise, the easy flow of conversation between them. Seeing the bomb. The glance Spock had given the only opening to the area they were in and quickly getting the three engineers out and then forcing, physically manhandling a protesting Scott out before securing the hatch so that the explosion would be contained.

Excruciating pain. Pain. Awareness of Scott, Don't tell, Jim. Jim. T'hy'la. Darkness. Pain. Alone. Fat fingers holding his had. Scottish brogue. "I'll nae leave ye, laddie" Only Scott with him. McCoy. McCoy's frustration at treatment. Scott and McCoy both cursing Kirk. Momentary relief thinking Jim Kirk there, cares. Call to. No. The pain of the awareness of him being there. Pain. Anger in eyes. Overpowering conflicting emotions through touch. Alone. Alone but for Scott and McCoy. Scott saying, "I'll nae leave ye, laddie." I am Spock not laddie. Alone without Jim but not alone. Feel compassion and care in big fingers holding there. Easy to slip away. Discarded by Jim. Unwanted. Pain without end. Unworthy. McCoy getting Vulcan healer. Pain. On ship. Alone. Fear. Uhura came, Chekov spicy soup, Sulu reports on ship status, Deans with lime. Scott's fingers. All there but Kirk.. Why will Scott not me go? T'Ryen. Singing. Meld. No place on ship without Jim. No life without Jim. No, must meld. Meld with Jim. Strength for one more. Need to take away his nightmares. Tired. Jim's here. Too tired. Must remove nightmares then can go. Done. No. Meld. A codeword to help Jim end it. He knows not of Vulcan meld. So very tired.

Nothingness seemed to envelop him as Spock went quiet. He was not sure if the nothingness was from Spock or because he was so numb after seeing the true extent of what he had done to this special being.

There was silence. A strange stillness. "Jim?'

"I, I am, I am so, so sorry. Spock."

"Help me."

"How?"

"**Say the word, Jim. Be free.**"

"**No!**" Jim was shaking as he sobbed, almost totally shattered by what he had seen his actions had done to his friend and how he friend had still thought of him as a friend. "I'll, I'll not say that. How, how can I after I did that to you? I, I have make you understand, to know it was not me. Ohmygawd, Spock, how, how could I have done that to you? How the hell can you still think of me as your t'hy'la?"

"You have been and always will be my t'hy'la, Jim. I ask for forgive,"

"No need, Spock, there is nothing to forgive. You did nothing wrong. I am the one who needs you to forgive me."

"I, I knew you were not you and I could not reach you. I could not help you. I failed you. You need to say the word and **be free of me**, Jim. I cannot say I would not do such actions again. **The word will free you of me**."

_Free you of me. The word will free you of me_. "**I won't say it**, Spock. I need you. Gawd, I cannot imagine a life without you in it. I won't say it. I won't lose you. I won't let you go. I need you."

From what seemed far away he heard voices, Vulcan voices, and was dimly aware of a soft touch in his mind, a woman's voice saying, "Care for him, James Kirk, truly he is your t'hy'la, **be worthy of that honor**." Then just holding on to Spock's shoulders and crying like a frightened child at what he had seen and felt his actions had done to this unique and special being who was still willing to take him back. He silently promised all the known and unknown gods that he would find a way to help his friend understand, to again feel even partly worthy of such a friend as he felt totally unworthy of all that this being had done for him and all that this precious being meant to him.

He felt a hand, a long fingered hand rubbing his back and heard that beloved baritone, "Jim, it is done. Nothing shall hurt you. It is over. We accept this happened and we move on as before. You are safe now."

As he lay half-sprawled across his friend's chest, slowly accepting all he had seen and felt, Kirk realized that what he had just experienced must be what Vulcans experienced with melds and, for once, was more than thankful that he had never experienced such a meld before. It also made him aware of what Spock would experience with every meld. Now he truly understood why they were so tiring and trying and why there was a reluctance to melt with others unless necessary. All those times he thought that Spock was only mildly sensing his inner feelings. But then T'Ryen as a healer, was a full Vulcan. Her words came back to him, "_Truly he is your T'hy'la, be worthy of that honor_.". What she had seen before the meld, when she had melded with Spock, must have been far more than he saw. The way she had been so pointed about Spock still thinking of him as his t'hy'la.

He felt the long fingered hand move to stroke his hair, "Jim, go, go see T'Ryen off the ship. Go see to the ship. You are the Captain. Show the crew it is you again. I will be here for some time. I need to rest now."

Slowly Kirk sat up and looked at Spock seeing the signs of extreme exhaustion about him. The silent understanding was there and Kirk felt like hugging his friend. How could he be so damned forgiving, especially after what he had done to him? Gently but firmly he squeezed the two hands in his, "You rest. I'll thank T'Ryen and see her safely off the ship and then see to the ship and crew. I will come back and just sit till you are awake."

"You, you need rest too, Jim"

"I'll get it late. You sleep."

It had not taken him long to find T'Ryen as she was getting ready to leave but was talking with Officer Deans who was handing her some of the lime filling and when he walked over T'Ryen thanked her and the young girl nodded and tried to do the Vulcan salued as she said, "Live long and prosper, Healer T'Ryen." and T'Ryen returned the salute with "Peace and long life, Officer Deans."

T'Ryen looked at him for a moment, "He sleeps. He will need much sleep and you to be there,"

"I will be with him. I will have my bridge crew man the bridge and I will be with him as much as I can. I had no idea what he had done, no appreciation of how I had hurt him."

"He would have blocked some from you, I could feel it in him but it was not my place to allow you to know what he did not wish you to know."

"But you saw it. Can you give me some indication as to,"

"In order to help him I had to see all of it, Kirk." She looked at him and shook her head, "You could not have dealt with it all, Kirk. In all my years as a healer I have only encountered one other pair of t'hy'la who had suffered so much and one kept hidden their real pain for the other as it would have destroyed them. With Spock it is the same, you are Human and could not deal with the truth of the depth. You are still his t'hy'la. As I said, be worthy of that honor, Kirk. Even among Vulcans such a one is rare." She walked up to the transporter platform and her novice was with her, "Live long and proper, Captain Kirk."

For a moment Kirk just stood by the door. _Could not deal with the truth of the depth_. He had been sure there was more but what Spock had shown him had been horrendous enough, he did not want to think of anything worse. A part of him was furious at Spock for hiding something from him but accepted it.

He turned and saw Scott still behind the controls, "Scotty, I really have to apologize for,"

Scotty held his hand up and stopped him, "I thank ye for that, Sir, but Spock told us all along that it was not our Kirk. Twas hard to see the lad like he was but he'd nae allow us to risk our careers. He told us ye'd be furious at yourself when ye got back to yourself and to be patient. Will he be okay now?"

"Just needs a lot of sleep. His injuries from the explosion are almost all healed. He just needs time to really recover mentally. Status of the engines?"

"Running smoothing and ready for your commands, Sir."

"You need to get some sleep too, Scotty."

"I told McCoy I would see T'Ryen off the ship and then go sleep for eight hours."

Kirk saw the younger officer look at him, "Your officer can relive for you now, Scotty."

"Aye, I'll be going, Sir. The others are sleeping as well. McCoy did say to tell you to go see him after T'Ryen had gone, said I was ta see ye did it."

Kirk nodded, it was Scotty's way of telling him the ship was running just fine and that everybody was back to normal on their usual shifts. "I'll go see him now."

McCoy was waiting for him and handed him a drink as soon as he walked in, "It's been a long time, Jim. To friends."

Kirk raised his glass and took a sip. He realized he had missed this, this ease of just being himself. "Bones, I,"

"To quote a centrain Vulcan "The Captain is not himself and we must wait till this malady passes. I cannot get through to him, U'Toga is using his emotions in ways I do not fully understand and am unable to get through. He will return but I do not know when." Welcome back. He did a helluva job protecting up from that other thing that looked like you. T'Ryen told me he would recover, would be his usual self in a few days that he needed a few days to get all the way back, she tell you the same?"

"Not in so many words. He is very tired."

"T'Ryen also said you night need the drink as it was almost a full Vulcan to Vulcan meld."

"I could not have survived a full Vulcan meld, Bones. I now fully understand why they are seen as such an invasion by Vulcans, why Spock seems so tired after one."

"You two okay now?"

"Yes, we are fine. Spock is sleeping and I am going to be in his quarter in case he need something as I have sent Scotty to be and I want you to sleep as well."

"I will, Uhura, Sulu, and Chekov have just gone to sleep once Scotty said T'Ryen had said he would be fine after a few hours of rest."

"I'll be in Spock's quarters. Want to meet me there in eight hours?"

McCoy smiled at him, "Thought you would never ask. I'll be there, Try to get some sleep."

He walked back to Spock's quarters and over to the bed. Spock briefly stirred and looked up at him. "Jim?'

* * *

**A/N ** Thanks to all those reading and reviewing. Been a rocking and rolling day with a series of small quakes (okay, one was a 6.4 but had worse). Tomorrow is ANZAC Day 100 years ago so as will be a busy weekend thought best get this part done. Enjoy.


	27. Chapter 27

"How are you now?"

"I am feeling better but am aware that Doctor McCoy will not allow me back on limited duty for at least another two hundred and eighty-seven point six five hours and not on full duty until after he is satisfied I can meet **HIS** standards which we both know is much higher than Starfleet's." As Kirk studied his friend he could see the clear exhaustion he had missed before and felt ashamed. He had been too relieved to have his friend back that he had not really looked at him. Spock had sent him out, reminded him of his duty first. As a starship captain that was his prime responsibility, his duty. Looking at Spock he knew that, although ne would never admit it, Spock often put his friends and fellow crewmen before his duty: a true blend of the best of his Human heritage and his Vulcan heritage. "I still need assistance to got to the bathroom and Mister Scott has,"

"I will help you."

"Jim, I,"

Kirk held out his hand, "Come on, I'll help you there and while you're in there I'll change the bedding. Okay with you if I sit with you while you sleep?"

"You also need sleep, Jim."

"I am, "

"While I sleep **in** my bed you will sleep **on** my bed, there is sufficient room and there is an extra blanket and pillow."

It was not until he was helping Spock back to the bed that he was fully aware of how much his friend was leaning on, how physically weak he still was. It was difficult not to feel guilty but he tried not to as he knew Spock would feel it. For a moment he was going to question him about sharing the bed but realized just as he had held Scott's hand Spock had sought contact and now that he was in better command of his mind he did not want the direct contact but sought physical closeness. Once Spock was settled in the bed Kirk took off his boots and lay on the bed beside him.

Twice through the night Spock had briefly woken and seen Jim Kirk sleeping beside him. His Jim. He was grateful that T'Ryen had been there to guide Jim in the meld. Jim would not have realized how skillfully she had blocked him from seeing and feeling all that he had been through since the Galvainian delegation had come aboard the Enterprise. She had told him she would block Jim Kirk from seeing the worst of it as he had told her that he was uncertain if Kirk could accept it and deal with it without any guilt. He did not want Jim to be exposed to more than he could safely deal with and he trusted T'Ryen to know what that was after having seen his mind. She was the conduit but having been told to filter out the worst of it. As he lay looking at Kirk he was pleased to see that his friend was not only himself but also that he was more relaxed. In time he knew things would be as they were. He allowed himself to admit that it felt good to know that Jim was back and understood.

Kirk awoke first and lay still as Spock's right arm was across is chest and Spock lay on his side. There was a peace about him now, one that had been so long in coming. No, he stopped himself. Spock was in physical contact with him and would be able to feel how he still blamed himself for his friend's pain. As he lay there looking at his friend he realized that the nightmare was really over. From how easily they had slipped back into this, this acceptance of one another, proved it was over and that what they had had withstood another test the universes seemed to constantly challenge it with. He intended to be worthy of being the t'hy'la of this very special being. Perhaps, in time, he might find out about those parts that T'Ryen said he could not have dealt with. It had been difficult enough to deal with what he had been shown and felt but knowing there was worse that had been hidden from him both annoyed him and relieved him. He did not want to dwell on all that his friend had done for him, for the shipmates, and for the ship itself nor the toll those actions had taken.

He became aware of dark eyes looking at him and smiled, "How do you feel?"

"Still tired but McCoy told me to expect that and it is also usual after such intense melds. If allowed, and with Mister Scott's assistance, I would like to visit the bridge at some stage today."

"I think that can be arranged without involving Mister Scott. I'll help you to the bathroom and then go get us some breakfast. McCoy said he would be coming by this morning."

"I would also like to spend some time with Mister Scott when he has the time. We have things to discuss."

Kirk remembered what his Chief Engineer had said about Spock telling them that he was not himself and would be back to being their Kirk. He knew there was much more that the two obviously needed to talk about, or at least Spock wanted to talk about with Scotty. "I'm sure he would like that, Spock. I will pass on your message. We best,"

There was the chime to alert them to somebody wanting to see Spock and Kirk saw an eyebrow raise, "I suspect that is Doctor McCoy already. Enter."

McCoy had stopped by and got two breakfasts having checked that neither officer had had breakfast, being the Chief Medical Officer gave him access to the food logs of all personnel which had its uses. He knew that Jim Kirk would have a hearty breakfast but Spock was still on a rather bland one with mainly fibrous fruits. While Kirk had looked very tired after the meld as T'Ryen had said he would be, he knew, again from what T'Ryen had said, that Spock would be totally spent and need more time recovering. While she had not gone into specifics she had said that such melds left both parties extremely tired, especially the one who carried the biggest burden and that had been Spock. The number of times that blasted Vulcan had taken the brunt of Kirk's misguided anger rather than allowing him to verbally attack any one of them, the number of times he had seen how that emotionless Vulcan had shown just a flicker of emotion that the others had not seen let him know he was hurt by Kirk's words.

As he walked to Spock's quarters he thought how the two of them needed this time alone together to discuss all that had taken place and to accept it. It had been one of the most difficult things he had done, keeping them apart, but the anger he had felt towards Kirk at the time had made it slightly easier. It had been the best thing for Spock and Spock was his patient as well as friend. Kirk had pushed aside two guards, Scotty, and himself to get to Spock after he had told him to stay away till he was told he could see Spock and driven the Vulcan deeper into whatever hell he was in. While that well looked after Vulcan body had been healing very well it had been the scans showing the brain activity that had made him get the Vulcan healer. All the readings had been well outside the recommended safe limits for Spock. T'Ryen had said that it would take time for him to fully absorb all that had taken place but that he would recover, that it would be best if he could do so in his own time in his own way. McCoy was certain that now Kirk would allow that, now that he knew all that Spock had been doing for him and despite him.

When he walked in Kirk was sitting on the side of the bed but it was clear he had slept on it, next to Spock. It was what they needed. It would help reconnect them, it would be a time for them to work through what they had to work through to get back that special connection they had.

Kirk nodded at him, "I'm just about to help Spock to the bathroom then we'll have breakfast. Thanks for bringing it."

"I'll come back in an hour to check on you both. I'll go see the bridge crew and let them know the two of you are okay. You two are okay, aren't you?"

He watched as his two friends looked at one another and he saw the look go on as he knew there was a conversation going on between them, he had seen it too many times not to know it.

_"You two are okay, aren't you?" _Kirk had heard the question and looked at Spock. It was the question he was going to ask Spock, later. He still had enough a few things he wanted to ask Spock about, things that T'Ryen had said. He also still felt some guilt for what had happened. As he looked at Spock he saw the same trust and acceptance he had always found there. Somehow after all that had happened Spock still trusted him and accepted his decision.

_"You two are okay, aren't you?"_ Spock understood what McCoy mean but he was going to let Jim answer the question. He had seen how Jim had been controlled and manipulated my U-Toga and how he had been when he returned to himself. His friend had been through enough pain and uncertainty and needed to be the Captain he was meant to be. He gave a slight nod.

Kirk saw the slight nod and looked at McCoy, 'Yes, Bones, we are both okay. I best help Spock get ready for the day. Thanks again for bringing us breakfast. See you on the bridge as somebody wants a slow walk there and right back."

"Captain, I said **nothing about right back**."

"I think that would be sufficient exercise provided you take it slowly, with Jim's support, and just go there and back here, no tour of the ship yet."

"And what do you mean by yet, Doctor?"

"I mean that today you go to the bridge and back, tomorrow you go to the bridge and sickbay then back, and gradually build up that way. And I will have my spies out there to make sure that you follow those instructions. You will also have Jim, myself, Scotty, or one of the senior crew with you." McCoy held up his hand as he saw Spock about to protest, "And before you say a word of protest, Spock, by **regulations** you should be confined to Sickbay, am I understood?"

The moment of protest died quickly as Spock looked at his friend and doctor, there were times when McCoy knew to use Starfleet regulations and this was one of them. He knew and respected the man too well not to know it was for his good that he would mention regulations. If Command ever found out about the number of times McCoy had not put all details in his medical files, and Jim's for that matter, he would be in serious trouble not to mention all the times he had let them convalesce in their own quarters rather than in Sickbay.

"Fully understood, Doctor."

"Alright, then, I'll leave you two to your breakfast and will notify the bridge and Scotty that you will have a very short visit with them on the bridge later."

As they ate their breakfast the two men were both aware that what they had been through had only strengthened their friendship. Kirk finally spoke knowing he had to know, "I know I have no right to ask, Spock, but what was I not shown in the meld?" He saw just a momentary flash of surprise on Spock's face, "T'Ryen told me you had blocked me from seeing what she said I would not be able to deal with. What?"

"It was not about you, Jim."

_Not about you,_ but it was a meld about the incident. Not about him. What was it Bones had said, _We know U'toga went down to gloat Oh, your new best friend did not tell you he went down a few times to look at Spock as though a prized catch. He even said how you were not missing him and how much better you thought the bridge was without him there to constantly questions your reasoning. Odd how his enemy went to see him but not the one who, for so long, claimed to be his friend._ He looked at his friend in shock as he could only imagine what such verbal assaults against his weakened shields could have, would have done.

"What did U'Toga do to you?"

There was just the slightest of movements about his friend's eyes that let Kirk know that when Spock said, "It was of no consequence." that his friend was hiding things from him.

"Shouldn't I be the judge of that? It was to do with me, correct?"

"Jim, it,"

"It **was** to do with me, wasn't it?"

"It was but talking about it will not change it. As I have said, it was of no consequence."

"If it was of no consequence why was it blocked from me? T'Ryen said it was because I was Human and could not deal with the truth of the depth. So I ask again, what did he do to you?"

For a long time Spock had looked at the empty plate on the table then drank the last of his tea before he looked back at him, "For the last six days of the trip back he made you order the crew not to visit me and he had the environmental conditions of the cell altered, again by what was said to be your order."

The full realization of what Spock was saying, what it had meant to him, shocked Kirk, to have been so controlled by U'Toga to do that to Spock.

"Spock, I,"

"I knew you were not yourself, Jim. I also knew that the crew would follow your orders, even if they were really U'Toga's. **It is done**."

One day Kirk knew he would have to tell Spock that he hated when his friend ended a discussion like that. When he made it clear with those three words that the matter was closed. But this was not that day. If his friend said that the matter was done he would leave it. So many times Spock had accepted such actions from him. It would annoy him but he accepted it.

"Just one thing, Spock. You do realize that after you turn up on the bridge, even for a short time, Uhura, Sulu, Chekov, and Scotty will assume you are ready for a steady stream of visitors and find the most unusual reason to visit you?"

Spock looked at him and nodded, "They were most welcome before and ever shall be welcome. They are my friends."

Kirk stood and held out his hand to help Spock up, "Well, let's not keep our friends waiting."

**FIN**

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A/N - That's that one done. Thanks for reading and for reviewing. Hope you enjoyed it. No telling when next one will be up. Take care and **HAVE FUN**.


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